Feeling Overweight and Undervalued?

    Earlier this week, I popped into our local grocery store with Ella in tow to pick up some stuff for dinner that night.  I made sure to freshen up, change into a shirt without baby snot on the shoulder.  I added another coat of mascara and put on some lip gloss.  I felt decent.  Pretty, even.

    As Ella and I approached the store from the parking lot, a beautiful young woman drove by.  She looked me up and down with obvious disgust.  There was no mistaking her reaction to my appearance... and I broke down inside.  I gave her a weak smile and continued on, because I didn't want my sweet young daughter knowing that her mom was crushed by a simple look.  A look that said it all, without that woman saying a single word.

    I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the door as we walked in... and all I saw was my bulging stomach.  My shirt was too tight and it just emphasized the least attractive part of me.  I didn't realize it looked that way... even in my full length mirror at home.  But when I walked, it was right there, front and center...spotlight on the gut.  And that may or may not have been what that girl saw, as she drove by.

    I quickly grabbed what I needed, checked out, and made small talk (oh, how I loathe small talk) with the bagger as he walked Ella and I and our groceries out to our van.  I got home, put the groceries down, and excused myself to my room for a moment to just let myself sink... so none of my family had to know.  I choked back the big ol' crocodile tears that were trying to make their way to my cheeks, let out one quick painful sob.... gathered myself the best I knew how, and joined my family for dinner.

    I've been trying to better myself.  I started Trim Healthy Mama... and stopped while on vacation because frankly, it involved too much thinking and prep for my vacation-minded mode.  It's been about a week or so since we got home, and I'm still trying to get back on track.  So that was already weighing heavy on my mind when all of this went down.

    I should rewind a minute here.  I've always had self-esteem issues.  Even when I could fit my behind in a size 3, way back in high school.... I wasn't "skinny enough" in my mind.  So... fast forward to the overweight body I have now... it is a definite struggle.  I have my good moments, where I give myself permission to accept myself for who I am.... but in all honesty, those moments are few and far between.

    We live in a society where there is so much pressure on a woman to look a certain way, that even after five kids and going through some tough stuff in life... I can't accept that I allowed myself to get this way.  I'm very sensitive to "vibes."  I'm very sensitive to others' feelings about themselves.... so it just snowballs into one depressing heap of pathetic poo.  ;)

    When I hear these beautiful women who couldn't be any more perfect from where I see them... when I hear them talk down on their physique... I cringe... and die a little inside.  Have they looked at me?  Like actually looked at me?  Because if they had... maybe they wouldn't be so hard on themselves.

    Now this... all of this... I realize is SO incredibly unhealthy.  This is the point in my little post where I tell you what I'm thinking... days after that look in the grocery store parking lot.

    Of course I want to better myself.  Of course I want to look a certain way.  BUT.  I am done letting others' opinions of me send me into a downward spiral.  I am done letting others' opinions of themselves affect the way I see myself.  I am done thinking I am less than because I don't have the kind of physical appeal society deems as acceptable.

    If you can't accept me for who I am now.... If you can't accept that no matter how many times I try and fail at becoming a healthier version of myself, I may just never measure up to your ideals.... If you can't see that the vanity in all of this tears people like me apart.... keep on walkin' and have a nice life.

    I feel sort of mean saying that.  I want to be friends with everyone... but not everyone wants to be friends with me... and that's okay.  I give you permission to find friends you believe are suitable for you.

    I've been all sorts of sizes and felt all sorts of feelings about myself.  There are times I feel beautiful and desirable (usually in the presence of my hunky husband), and there are plenty of times where I feel like a beached whale with dull skin and frizzy hair.  There are times I don't think at all about what I look like... like when I'm snuggling with my youngest as he falls asleep in my arms... or when I'm hanging out with my girls, while we do our nails and talk about girly things... or when I'm listening to my boys talk about the things that make them happy.  I adore those times.  Those times when the opinions of the world and the negative thoughts in my head just fade away.

    I'm not writing this to get anyone to feel sorry for me.  I'm not writing this to receive encouragement... or backlash... or advice of any kind.  I'm writing this to show you... or someone else that happens to stumble across it... that they are not alone in their struggle with weight and all the mind garbage that comes with it.

    I'm so imperfect it's ridiculous... but I am trying.  I'm trying like mad to love myself in a way that shows Jesus I'm thankful for this life He's given me.  I'm trying to treat myself... body and mind with respect.  I may fall off the wagon... often... even daily at times... I may be so far off the wagon that I need to send out a search party to find it... but I am determined to jump back on and keep going... I  know I'll never achieve the perfect body... or have the perfect state of mind 24/7, but I am going to do my best to be my best for myself, for my husband and children, for Jesus... and for absolutely no one else.

I encourage you to do the same.  I could say "don't let the world's opinions knock you down."  If I said that though... there wouldn't be enough oomph behind it... because I know firsthand just how painful those opinions can be.  Do your best to rise above.  Reach out to someone who loves you unconditionally, and let them know you're hurting.  Message me if you need encouragement.  YOU are beautiful.  YOU are valuable.  YOU are worthy.  YOU are so much more than what some stranger sees out the driver-side window as they pass you by.  Remember that YOU are a daughter (or son) of the KING of KINGS and that He sees you and loves YOU... ADORES you.  You are HIS.... and there is absolutely nothing better than belonging to HIM.  I love you all.  Be blessed... love yourself.... and extend that love to others.  Good night. <3

~Em

Drop It and Walk Away

    I had maybe an hour of sleep last night.  There are so many things tugging at my heart... at my mind... at my conscience.  I just can't shut down long enough to be blessed with a few hours of rest from this exhausting world and all it throws at me.

    It's no secret that I've been in a major funk lately.  The past few weeks, especially, have been quite rough.  I'm nowhere near being depressed... I've just been.... stuck.  I've been feeling like a failure, and have been mentally punishing myself for all of my shortcomings.  I've been allowing anxiety to take over at night again.  I've been taking little strolls with self-doubt and pity.  As much as it pains me to admit all of this, it is true... but I must admit it to myself, most importantly, if I want to move forward, and away from this unhealthy frame of mind.

    I completely dropped the ball in my walking challenge.  I don't even want to think about the amount of miles I need to make up to get back on track.  Yes, as freeing as it was to throw away my scale... I realized I threw much more than that weeks prior to my act of rebellion.  Not only was I flipping the bird to society with my little scale removal... I was taking it too far by not bothering to keep up with the whole point of my walking challenge... energy... health... vitality.  So I am picking up where I left off, and am praying I don't come across any more ruts...at least not weeks-long ruts like this doozy of a mistake.

   I'm struggling with balance... family, my quest to find the healthiest version of myself, my home-based business, time spent with God, and what are friends, even????  I need to learn how to juggle, and fast, because if I keep dropping the ball, eventually one or a few might just roll right away.

    When I fail myself, I feel like I'm failing everyone around me.  I judge myself so hardcore... and I find myself believing that everyone is seeing me through my rusty, distorted lenses.  Perhaps some people do see me that way... but that's none of my business.  I shouldn't worry about what others think... especially those whose opinions hold little value in my life.  The real kicker is that I feel I'm often failing Jesus.  I know He forgives me... I know He loves me, despite my many, many shortcomings... but I SO desire to please Him, and I just can't seem to get it right.  I know I'll never be perfect, but dang it, sometimes I wanna be. ;)

    All of this ho-hum, down in the dumps talk did have a purpose... I got it off my chest... I released it... and I made myself vulnerable and relatable to those who may need to see that when they feel like complete failures, they aren't alone.  We all go through it.  Some more often than others, but we all have degrees of setbacks and brokenness, just the same.

    The most important step... above acknowledging the problem... talking about it... crying through it... relating over it... the most important step is dropping it at Jesus' feet and walking away from it.  Or you could run.... whatever gives you distance from your struggle.  Whatever sets you free.  Just leave it with Him, let Him handle it, and find the peace and joy in your new-found freedom.

    I think I'll try to get a couple more hours of sleep now that I've ditched that excess baggage.  Good night. <3

~Em

   

Real Talk

I haven't felt like writing in a while. Truthfully, it's been a challenge to juggle all the responsibilities that are on my plate right now, and blogging was one of the last things I wanted to do.  It's hard to want to encourage others when you yourself feel like you don't have it all together. So I apologize for that, because I really do believe that when you are having a rough go of it, or even if things are good, but life is busy, it's so important to keep up with the connections and find strength in your friendships.

I tend to close myself off to pretty much everyone when I'm down and out.  I guess calling what I'm dealing with "down and out" is too harsh.  I'm happy.... just overwhelmed with life, if that makes sense.  I guess I just need to sit down and rate my priorities, set some boundaries, and see what changes need to be made to get me to a place where I am no longer overwhelmed, but overjoyed with my schedule and the activities set in place for my family (and myself).

I'm not here to complain, just to be real, because I know that there isn't a whole lot of real these days.  Not the real that can be encouraging anyway.  So I aim to encourage not only the people who read this post, but myself as well.  We always get through these times.  We always find the balance once more.  The balance will become topsy turvy again, and then we will do what we need to to set it straight for the umpteenth time.  It's just a part of life.

There are so many exciting things happening for our kids, especially.  We've been enjoying homeschool co-op.  I have no idea how we pushed through without such a connection the past couple years, but we are absolutely loving this great group of homeschoolers and all the fun we have with them every other week.  The kids just tried Awana for the first time the other night.  The girls LOVED it and the boys need to warm up to the idea a bit more.  I think they had much more fun than they let on.  They were just being tough and manly about their enthusiasm. ;)

We've got all the holidays coming up, as you know, so there is so much fun in store.  Wesson has a birthday....which could be the very reason I'm in a funk lately.  I don't want my baby to graduate to the next chapter in life... not yet anyway. haha

We're looking to move soon.  Hopefully by spring.  If we don't move before the dead of winter, then we'll stay put until moving makes sense again.  This is another thing that is weighing heavy on me.  I feel so unsettled.  I've always felt that way to a degree.  I'm not sure what it feels like to be at complete peace with where we live and to truly feel "at home" in any given house.  I hope that I can experience that feeling when we finally find our next home.  We definitely know what we do and don't want at this point in our lives.  We've moved a LOT and we've lived in many types of homes on many types of properties.  Where we are now is most definitely NOT where we want to settle.  Not that I have license to complain.  I have a pretty kitchen, my own bathroom, and the fact that we have a roof over our heads means we're crazy blessed.  So my first world problems should probably shut their yap.

I think that maybe my problem is that I'm struggling to dream, and dreaming is just a huge part of who I am and what I do.  It's how I've always been.  I've always been a dreamer and a planner.  I need to find that bit of hope... hope that the dreams Jeff and I have for our family are just around the corner.  I really don't have big dreams, but they have been just out of reach for so long, that I'm struggling to believe we'll grab hold of them at all.  How depressing am I being right now, really? lol

Anyway, I know that most people have felt this way at one point or another, and I know that challenges will come up time and time again. We just need to remember to adjust our focus.  We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, and let Him lead us through the rough waters.  We need to TRUST that everything will work out for the good, because God wants good for us.

So many things are coming against me and my mission to keep that dreaded depression monster at bay.  I know a lot of people would say to get over it or to do such and such to snap out of it, but I'm sorry to say, that's just not how it works for those of us who truly struggle with this regularly.  I went for so long without these feelings trying to creep back in, but this is a fight I'm in the midst of... right now... at this very moment.

The darkness hasn't taken over.  I'm on the edge, but I'm fighting a good fight.  I'm pouring all of my energy into the positive things in my life ~ my husband, my kids, my love for my YL business, the new friendships I'm absolutely geeked over, the positive changes that have been improving my family's life bit by bit.  I'm doing my best to shake the monster off my back and jump back into life all happy-go-lucky and bubbly-like.

I think a lot of this is postpartum nonsense.  Seriously, guys.... postpartum recovery in my thirties is a sloooooow process compared to the last four babes I had.  The fatigue (maybe having to do with the fact that my baby still wakes around the clock), the brain fog, the sloth-paced movements my body makes.... it all adds up and I am struggling not to get down on myself for not bouncing back right away.

I don't seek out sympathy, or advice.  I've been here before.  :)  I just want to be honest and real and raw and show you that even those of us who thrive when encouraging our friends... those of us who live to brighten someone's day.... even we have our rough seasons.  Even we find the need to step back and just "be" for a while.  I rarely find myself in a position where I feel like I'm 100% on top of life.  Okay... I never do.... and I rarely come close.  It's just what it is.  Life isn't easy, and we all have our burdens to carry and our battles to fight.  This is just a little glimpse into mine.

So now that you see I haven't conquered life on earth and destroyed the imperfections, I want to come back around to that ray of sunshine I strive to be for you.  I know that things will get better.  I've lived through this sort of thing time and time again.  I know that I will not allow the darkness to swallow me up like I did a few years ago.  I know that I am much stronger today than I was back then.  AND, most importantly, I know that if you have connected with anything I've shared tonight, YOU TOO can beat this!  You too CAN pull through.

I am praying for my friends who are going through similar situations.  My heart is aching for those who have it worse.  I am lifting you all up and handing you all over to the ONE and ONLY ONE who can wash away your pain, your stress, your sorrow... He is going to carry you through.  I promise.

Love to you all, and thank you to those of you who have always been supportive of me... in my good times and bad.  You mean the world to me.  You know exactly who you are!  <3

Lots of love,
Em

Who are YOU?

    This is for the moms who lead lives that are less than perfect.... and who aren't afraid to admit it, because really, those who have got it "all together" wouldn't be looking for encouragement or advice anyway, right? ;)

    We often only see the good... the seemingly perfect parts of others' lives on social media.  We see the perfectly groomed children in their carefully selected outfits.  We see the moms, with their perfectly styled hair, their fresh manicures, with their makeup ~ done to a degree worthy of a red carpet walk.

    We read posts of the accomplishments, the highs, the envy-provoking aspects of others' lives.

    What we often don't see are the temper tantrums, the frizzy haired mom with black bags under her eyes, the messy kitchens and the spit-up stains.  We don't see the tears rolling down the cheek of the parent who has been stretched to their limit for the hundredth time that week (or even that day).  We don't see the heartache that comes from various circumstances in their lives.  We don't see the fears other parents experience from raising their children in a dark and scary world.

    I am blessed to know so many real parents, who aren't afraid to keep it real.  I'm so happy to see that I'm not alone in my imperfect world.   That is why I make it my mission to post not only the good moments... not only the photos of myself at that perfect angle, wearing the perfect outfit, sporting the perfect amount of mascara... I'm no longer afraid of posting the real... the messy.... the embarrassing moments.

    That's not to say I won't reserve some of the hairy ordeals for my immediate family, but really, why are we always trying to hide?  What is the motivation behind only posting what we view as perfection?  Are we secretly trying to make others jealous?  Are we trying to appear as though we've got all our stuff together, for fear of being judged?

    I challenge you to let go of your fears, and to especially let go of that deep down, secret need to one-up your friends and acquaintances.... I challenge you to be real.  Be raw.  Be vulnerable.  People can connect with you much easier when you are open and less-than-perfect.  People can respect real... people can't respect someone who is fake as all get out! {Let me just tell you now... people can sniff out a sham a mile away.  We aren't fooling anyone.}

    So be real.  Bear your heart if you want to.  Ask for help if you need it.  Share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Reserve what you wish, but don't close your true self off to the world in order to create an image that is clearly not you.

    I love Jesus... a LOT.  I mess up... a LOT.  I've had so many fears of talking too much about Him and being judged for not living up to whomever's standards of the "Christian" lifestyle.  I've had so many fears of admitting I just don't have it all together, and that I sin in one way or another DAILY.... for fear of being called a hypocrite.  SO.... let's just get this out of the way.... YES.  I CAN be a hypocrite.  YES... I can walk a path that doesn't align with the next Christian's path.  NO... I am in no way the ultimate Christian example... but I sure as heck am going to keep working on my walk with the Lord... and I'm going to keep aiming to please HIM (not you, or a pastor, or anyone else).  It doesn't matter how often I mess up... Jesus is right there to pick me back up and brush away the dirt.
   
    When you are real, you will face judgment from others.  But I have news for you.... when you put up a front... you're still facing judgment.  Who would you rather be?  What would you rather be judged for?  Wouldn't you rather be you and ignore the haters, or are you going to continue walking through life, trying to keep everyone happy... trying to impress every person who looks your way.... needing to show the world a you that isn't really "you".... do you REALLY want to put all your efforts into such a strenuous task?  I sure don't.

    I encourage you to seek out those who are genuine, unique, the REAL DEAL, and befriend them.  Find out how they tick... grasp on to the encouragement they offer, and learn from them.  Don't become like them, unless they are much like who you are, but glean from that wisdom they extend and learn to become comfortable in your own skin.

    I can tell you, that I sleep better, I feel better, I am at peace when I am ME.  The ME that GOD created me to be.  So I encourage you to dig deep and cultivate the person you were meant to be.  Allow your true self to blossom forth and gift the world with a true and unique individual.  We will all benefit more from knowing TRUE, real, AMAZING people, rather than replicas and robots.

    The choice is yours... who are YOU going to be?

Derp! Duh! *Facepalm*

    You know those "DING! light bulb!" moments?  The ones where it ALL becomes so clear that you most definitely need to make a change in one or more areas of your life?  Well, I had one of those moments last night... a really big one.  Won't you take a little stroll with me as I share my mind happenings with you?

*Okay, I realize reading and strolling might not be a good idea... grab a coffee and a seat instead.  Or water. Or tea. Or juice.  I'm not picky.  Actually, I am at this hour ... but hey, drink whatever you want.  I'm having coffee. ;)

    So I try to be encouraging to others.... positive for them as they tackle the hard things in life.  I realized just how opposite I tend to be when it comes to my thoughts and outlook on my own life.  What a hypocrite, eh? lol  I kid, sort of.  Anyway.... I need to make a huge change in my thoughts and my attitude.  For the sake of my husband's nerves, for the sake of my children's developing brains, and for the sake of my sanity.

    You know those sayings, "don't sweat the small stuff" and "no use crying over spilled milk"?  Yeah.  I've totally been rebelling against that advice for who-knows-how-long.  It's quite ridiculous, actually.  I know I'm full of hormones, what with nursing a baby and being in my 30's (seriously... it takes so much longer to rid yourself of pregnancy brain when you're in your 30's vs. your 20's.  I know this because I've had babies in both  ?!decades?!  and I bounced back much faster with my first four kids... minus some hiccups along the way after Ella was born).  But hormones are not excuse enough for one's outlook on life and attitude toward pretty much everything known to man.

    To give you an example of what my strong, committed husband goes through, let me talk about my night time Facebook newsfeed adventures.  I scroll along merrily, come across some political or parental rights or other similar controversial post/article/rant, and I have to share every thought and feeling that comes to mind, with Jeff, who worked all day in the hot sun and just wants to watch tv and drink a cold one in peace and quiet for a few stinkin' minutes.  But Nooooooo.  That won't do.  I am full of womanly rage at all these happenings that go against every fiber of my being.  He needs to hear me out, and he must not desire for me to simmer down, because loud noises might just escape my mouth.... louder noises than the disgust that is already spewing all over the ears of the poor, innocent man who chose to spend the rest of his life with me.

    Aren't you super glad you don't live here?  You are blessed, I tell ya.  Blessed by the Good Lord above.  

    Another outstanding example for ya.... I am a disorganized perfectionist.  It is a hard burden to carry, but I suppose someone has to do it.  Now, what this means is that I need everything to be neat and orderly to function.... but when I can't function properly, things become... not-so-tidy ..... so my mind explodes!  Top that off with four mobile children who are sweet, but messy little boogers and one child who has got to be eating every last bit of my energy every 2-3 hours, and you have a recipe for disaster.

     Now, here's an example of such an instance...

Me: I think I shall relax now.  Nurse my sweet little Wesson, scroll through Facebook on my phone (RED FLAG>>>see above), maybe watch a little Storage Wars on Netflix... enjoy these few moments of rest while I can.  *looks around* (BAD IDEA!)

House: "Muwahahahahaha!" (you get that this is an evil laugh, right?)  
"See the filth with your eyes, tired mother.  See these toys over here.... they're ready for your sensitive feet to step on.  See those nasty, food-caked dishes just staring you down in the sink over there?  They want to EAT YOUR SOUL.  Look at all those tiny papers cut into nice little pieces of confetti... scattered throughout the house just enough to make your skin crawl.  Sink further into the couch now.... those worn out springs are going to swallow you whole.  You will never escape!  Your bedroom you've been meaning to organize?  Those clothes you meant to put away last week?  Not going ANYWHERE.  They are taunting you..... they enjoy poking at your last nerve.... knowing that you've got more important things to do like feed the baby and teach those children.  I'm going to steal every last bit of joy from you.  You will never win!!! Muwahahahahahahahaha! Haha! Ha! HA!"

Me: Where are the matches?  I want to burn it all and start over! (obviously I don't want to burn my husband or my precious children.  I love them.  LOVE LOVE LOVE my babes.  But all of our belongings?  Sure! Torch 'em!)  Okay, don't torch the stuff.  We'll donate it, for crying out loud.

    So much negativity bombarding my brain throughout the day... all day, every day.  I may relax physically while sitting down to nurse my little love, or when I go to sleep at night, but my mind never seems to settle.

    Well, I've had enough.  I'm sick of the negativity.  I'm sick of sweating the small stuff.  I'm sick of the messes, but I am determined to put a positive spin on everything I possibly can, so that I can be that joyful, cheerful, bubbly person I used to be.... I want to be my true self.... not the 'self' that the burdens of this world have enabled me to become.

    Do you ever struggle with any of this, my sweet mama friends?  The good news is that you're not alone in this.  The FANTASTIC news is that we're not going to enable each other anymore, kapish?  Let's lift each other up in these times of stress, weariness, and chaos.  Let's help each other see the light... the positive in everything, so that living life is a bit easier.  We want to breathe, and smile... genuine, beaming, beautiful smiles, don't we?  :)

    So let's take our negativity to God.  Hand it over in exchange for that positive outlook we so desperately need.  Embrace the new, sunshiney 'tude and kick that Debbie Downer Dumpy Doo Doo crapitude to the curb.  If you're feeling overwhelmed with life... turn to those friends you know who will bring some sparkle to your eyes and who will encourage you to think happy thoughts.  Avoid those friends who will bring you down.  Sorry gals, I love ya... so stinkin' much, but this mama has GOT to get her stuff together... and the "wah wah wahs" and "boo hoo hoos" have got to GO!

    I want to hear from YOU!  What do you do to combat negative thoughts?  How do you maintain a positive outlook on life?  Do you turn to the Lord in ALL things?  Prayer and reading of the Word?  Do you have that one friend who will always bring a smile to your face?  Is there an encouraging blog you like to read to ground your feet and lift your spirits?  I want to hear about it all!  I'm all about the JOY and HAPPINESS tips you bring to the table.  Let's encourage each other and get ourselves out of the dumps.


    Have a POSITIVELY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY AMAZING SUPER FANTABULOUS day, friends! (How's that for some positivity? See... I'm moving in the right direction!)

~Em

 *Little side note edit: As I was typing out my thoughts, I remembered quite a few times where this revelation smacked me upside the head.  Isn't it funny how we often learn the same lessons over and over and over again?  Jesus has His work cut out for Him.... yet He loves us so much that He is willing to put His wisdom on repeat.... so we can find that true joy in Him.  LOVE the things the Lord speaks to me!  

Don't Give Up ~ PRAY

    As I sat on my couch this morning, scrolling through Facebook on my phone, I became discouraged by the many posts that reminded me of the direction in which our country is headed.  We're losing our freedoms, bit by bit.  Riots happen left and right.  Political arguments become so heated that friendships can't survive the pressure.  We are a nation divided over every.little.thing and it absolutely breaks my heart.

    I wanted to give up on this country.  I have for a while.  I was losing all hope that things would ever change for the better.  As I sat there, scrolling, sulking, and sipping on my coffee, the wind picked up a bit outside my window, and my neighbor's flag started waving at me, as if to say, "Don't give up.  PRAY."

    You see, it is easy to head for the hills when things go wrong, especially when it comes to wanting to protect your family from threats that could pop that safe, happy bubble that surrounds them.  I wanted to run... I know that much.  The problem is, when you run.... you are motivated by fear.  The Bible tells us not to fear.  The Bible tells us to cast all our cares upon Jesus.  He is so powerful, so mighty, and loves all of us so much.

    While I will continue to fight for my freedoms, and stand up for what I believe in, I need to remember to pray like crazy for our country.  A country that has incredible potential.  A country that blesses us more than we understand, even in the midst of division, corrupt power, and battles of all kinds.  We must love the land we live in, through thick and thin.  We must pray for our people, our government (no matter how hard that may be for some of us, *cough cough*), and especially the generation who will take over after us.

    I will not operate out of fear.  I will defend my family and our rights.  I will stand up against the things that threaten our freedoms, but I will not run.  I will pray.  I will pray without ceasing, because I owe that to the country I call "home."

    Political unrest, mommy wars, disease, earthquakes, riots, lions, tigers, and bears have NOTHING over the power of the ONE who holds us in His hands.  He wants good for us.  Bring your fears and concerns to His feet.  Set them down, look into His eyes, cling to that comfort only He can provide, and find that peace that He so lovingly put into my heart today.  While the world erupts in chaos all around us, there is a calm when we put our trust in Jesus.

~Em

What I Got Out of the 100 Happy Days Challenge

   If you're on Facebook at all, you must have come across a hashtag such as this: #100happydays.  If you don't know what it is, let me explain.  There is a challenge we can choose to accept called just that, "100 Happy Days."  You post a status/picture every day about something that makes you happy.  The beauty of the challenge is that you are encouraged to dig deep and find something, anything that brings you happiness, even when you normally wouldn't see it.  If you'd like to know more, or to sign up for the challenge check out 100happydays.com.

   So as I'm quickly approaching the last day of my own challenge, I'd like to reflect a bit.  I missed a couple days here and there, due to hormones or neglect of some sort. ;)  But for the most part, I posted a picture or status every day.  While I didn't have any grand epiphanies, I did see what is at the forefront of my happiness.... what typically brings a smile to my face.  My number one subject to post on was my family.  That's fairly obvious.  I can't help myself.  I love my hubby and kids more than anything, so of course they make me happy.  They can drive me absolutely bonkers at times (as I do them), but they have my heart and soul.

   Aside from family and friends, I realized that the simple things in life are what make me happy.  Getting out of the house now and then... being home... doing my nails... good food... sunshine... Jesus... all those little things that add up to be one big ball of happiness.

   I have to admit, there were quite a few days (especially considering the hormones flowing through my body) that I really struggled to find my "happy" for my post.  The thing that I loved about committing to this challenge is that I was forced to find something, anything that could brighten my day in some way.  It helped to direct my attention from my troubles, my stresses, my fatigue, and really find something to be thankful for.

   While I don't feel my life has changed by leaps and bounds in doing this, I am truly grateful that I took that step and challenged myself in this way.  Pregnancy is a fickle thing.  It's so easy to be grumpy and negative in this season.  I believe this had a hand in keeping my outlook on life in check.  Without my faith, my family, and yes, even this challenge, who knows how this pregnancy could have gone so far.

   The challenge is over for me, but the appreciation of the little things isn't.  It's almost automatic... to search for the happy now.  To me, that was worth those 100 days and more.  I highly recommend this challenge.  It is a simple way to bring a smile to your face every day, and to encourage others to look for their happy.

  What makes you happy? 

Hippies, Sheeple, Guilt Trips, and Love

  When traveling through your parenting journey, you encounter guilt trips of all kinds.  Guilt trips from family members, guilt trips from your children (power struggle, anyone?), and the infamous guilt trips from other moms.  You know the ones: they have an opposing view to yours and will move heaven and earth to try to get you to see just how right they are.  What fun!  Glorious, enlightening fun!  Or not...

  You see, we all have those things that bring the passion out of us.  The key is sharing those passions without making other moms feel like complete dopes for not agreeing with us.  The key is to allow people to have different viewpoints without throwing out that dreaded guilt trip in an attempt to win whatever imaginary battle we're all "fighting" these days.

  The big hulabaloo I often see is which foodie lifestyle we should follow.  You've got vegans spouting off at those insensitive carnivores, and then you have cave men & women.... I mean paleo-faithfuls going gung-ho ballistic on people who eat wheat, or whatever it is they're against.  You've got the couponers buying boxed foods, raving about how much they save (which is awesome, mind you) while the organic hippies are looking down their noses in disgust at the toxins those couponers are force-feeding their children.  You get where I'm going here?  Everyone is right and everyone who doesn't agree with that particular mindset is wrong.

  I am very particular about following a whole foods diet as closely as possible.  I prefer organic fruits and vegetables, and use meat and treats sparingly.  That being said, you WILL catch me at McDonalds now and then and you WILL see me purchasing things like Cheez Its and frozen pizzas from the grocery store.  For a long, long time, I was utterly ashamed of myself for caving in such a way.  How dare I go against what I so fondly "preach" about.  But you know, I just don't care anymore.  I don't care that I like to take the easy way out of dinner when I don't feel like cooking.  I don't care that someone somewhere is going to find something wrong with something in my grocery cart 99.9% of the time.  I just don't care.

  Then there is the whole medical debate.  It's typically between those darn hippies and what they so lovingly call "sheeple."  I err on the hippie side of things, but you won't see me telling another parent what road to take when it comes to the health of their children.  I am all for doctors and the widsom they bring to the table, but I am also all for a parent's intuition, the plentiful goodness nature provides, and the Holy Spirit's leading, so I believe all of those wonderful resources can be combined to come up with the best solution to any medical problem we have.  Go with nature, pray, or put your trust in modern medicine... or be like me and have a swirled up combo of some sort.  It's your choice!  You have your children for a reason... you know what's best for them.  Who am I to tell you how to approach their health and wellness?

  There are so many other debates where parents are pitted against each other because of their views.  It is tremendously overwhelming at times and I just want to shout "STOOOOOOOOPPPP!!!!!!"  I think it is wonderful that people have that desire to educate each other, but there comes a point when we cross that line and things become ugly and hurtful and it needs to end!

  We live in a day in age where these sort of battles can haunt us to our core and I decided to throw it all out the window and go with MY (and the hubby's) gut on the decisions we make for our family.  I'm done hiding because someone will see I am not living up to that unrealistic potential I so longingly desire to achieve.  If I want to eat a darn cookie, I'll eat that cookie.  If I want to feed one to my kid *gasp!* I have every right to do so.

  Just get along.  When you see something that grinds your gears, take a breath, count to ten, do a little jig, and keep moving on.  If you feel the need to correct someone or educate them for whatever reason, do it with kindness and love.  Don't belittle them for being a dimwit.  Don't scorn them for being naive.  We get so much flack from so many places.  I want to make it a priority to speak in love to others, even when I disagree with them.  If, one by one, we can all start turning those scowls into smiles, and those arguments into healthy, friendly discussions, this world could be a much happier place.

  Cut each other some slack.  Respect each other.  Realize that God has gifted us with brains of our own and what works for some people might not work for others.  Eat that burger and large fry without shame.  Plant that organic garden in your yard.  Do what you feel led to do and be proud of it!  Share your thoughts and your dreams and your goals for your life in a way that is respectful to others.  It's possible!  It really is.

  Peace, love, and happiness, friends.

~That ever-growing hippie chick with a sheeple-ish grin. :)

A Special Announcement and Those Nagging Questions....

  Our family is growing, yet again, and I couldn't be more thrilled about it.  We have made our announcement to our closest family and friends, and then quickly made it "official" on our personal Facebook pages, since we knew word would spread quickly.  So here's my blog announcement: We're thrilled to announce that we're expecting Baby Terry #5 in December! :-D

  As each day passes, I go through a whole slew of emotions, like any expectant mother would.  This baby is very much wanted and that never changes, but I do notice when I'm around people who are skeptical of large families, their doubts try to take hold in my mind.  Am I cut out for this?  Are we doing right by the kids we have?  Is this really the right move to make?  Well, let me tell you, there's no turning back now, so those thoughts can be tossed in the trash, thank you very much!

  Here's the thing: I've always wanted a big family.  I've always loved kids, and I love them even more now that I have my own.  Today, having a large family is often looked down upon, and my conflict-avoiding self can't exactly dodge the comments and interrogations that come from those concerned people who think we're being a bit extravagant in our family-growing ways.  There's nothing I can do about those people, other than to brush their comments off my shoulder and to continue being happy with what is to come for us.

  I've got some answers to the questions people like to ask.  I'll try to be as kind as possible in my response, but know that I am full of raging hormones, therefore I'll ask forgiveness, just in case I give a cold answer with the look of death in my eyes. ;)

 Aren't you concerned about quality time with each child?  Of course we are!  As of right now, Jeff works a second shift job, so our "Alone Nights" with the kids fall on my shoulders.... and that is a responsibility I eagerly accept.  In addition to praising each child's individuality, strengths, accomplishments, and gifts, we strive to have "alone nights" once a week with each child.  As our family grows, those alone nights may be spaced out, but they will happen, and we will continue to enjoy them until the kids are grown and have families of their own.  Since we currently have to enjoy alone nights at home most of the time, we do what we can to make them special.  The kids often get to choose a special snack, a show or movie to watch, or an activity to do with Mom.  We've also allowed them to pick an alone night buddy to tag along, if they choose to have one.  We enjoy games, spa nights, long talks, and Netflix marathons with the kids.  As soon as our nights free up a bit, Jeff and I will take turns carting the kids to various outings on their own (ice cream, putt putt, bowling, etc.).  We do what we can when we can do it and we always make sure that our kids know just how special they are and how much we love them.  Even the simplest of nights are appreciated by them because they know that they are getting that quality time with us.

  What about the cost of raising so many children?  So apparently when you have three or more children, your personal/private income goes on blast.  To this, I say that you can make pretty much any income work as long as you know how to re-prioritize.  Necessities soon look like frivolous treats and you become a budgeting ninja with the news of a new family member's arrival.  I have talked about various ways we stretch our money in this post.  Some things may have changed a bit since, but the gist of it all is the same.  I make many cleaning products, bath and body supplies, and am not the least bit terrified of purchasing things from garage sales, Goodwill, or other thrift shops.  Hand me downs are big here, too. We rarely eat out, and we keep our menu quite simple... we stick to whole foods as much as possible and try to avoid the pricey, less healthy packaged stuff.  If you want to know more, read the other post.  I am still intrigued by others' ways of saving and budgeting, so I'd love to hear your tips and tricks!

  You know what causes that, right?  Well, we're adults with fully functioning brains, so I think we've figured it out.... and we seem to do it well. ;)  We know very well how to avoid pregnancy, we have just come to a place where we are confident in our marriage, our faith in God, and our family, so we choose to leave the size of our family up to the Lord.  Much to our surprise, a new addition didn't happen when we first let go.  I struggled with it for a bit, but it's all good.  God knows what's what. Now that blessing is growing and preparing for the big day he/she makes his/her grand entrance into our big wide world.

  I talked about my change of heart and our decision to let go here.  We stand by this and are confident that God will bless us with the perfect size family for us.  It wasn't easy letting go... believe me... I don't like it when I can't control big things in my life... but this was the best decision we ever made for our marriage, our family, and our relationship with God.  It took my faith to the next level.  I am so thankful for that.

  Are you going to send your kids to school now that another baby is on the way?  Uh, well... that thought never crossed my mind until you asked, but no.... I will not be sending my children to school because our family is growing.  This is an excellent time for them to learn great life/family skills.  This is another reason I love schooling my kids at home. They are always learning life skills, even when textbook lessons are set aside. If we need to take a few weeks off, we have the freedom to do so.  We have summers to make up for missed school, and we have the ability to write our own schedules.  If the Lord were to direct us otherwise, of course we'd send the kids to school, but for now, we're sticking to what works for us.  What works for us is the absolute honor to home school.... and to do it with complete peace and joy.  I realize we will have hard days or seasons, but that is no reason to throw in the towel.  Things worth doing never come easy.  :)

  There are so many other questions and concerns that come up, from our choice of diapers to medical decisions to where or how we're giving birth.  While most of the time, it's just curious cats who'd like to take notes for future reference, or friends who enjoy talking about babies and family, sometimes people ask because they want to *clears throat* "educate" us on the best options.  This makes me chuckle.  Four kids in and another on the way, and there are people who believe we aren't well-equipped with knowledge on various child-rearing topics.  Of course, it's a never-ending learning process, but I've become quite the pro when it comes to research, prayer, and educated decision making.  We've got this and we've got it good!  It is great knowing there is a community of people out there who want what's best for our family/children, even when the approach can rub a pregnant mama the wrong way.

  I am so grateful that we live in a country where family size and most of the decisions we make are completely up to us.  I'm thankful that I have some of the absolute best people in our corner ~ people who stand behind our actions, even if they are different from their own.  I feel blessed beyond measure for the people God has placed in my life and I am incredibly excited for the new life to come that will make a great impact on my own.... in fact, this kidney bean has already made quite the ripple and I am so in love.  <3

  Do you have a large family?  I know that term is relative.... there are families much larger than ours... but if you have a family that is larger than the "norm,"  I'd love to hear from you!  What do you say to the critics?  How do you prepare for a new arrival?  What do you do to make things work financially?  How do you rearrange your home and organize your space to accommodate the new life that will fill that space?  These are questions that will always intrigue me.  Family will always be a huge interest of mine, especially since the one I have pulls at my heartstrings in ways I never thought possible.

  However big or small your family, I pray the Lord blesses you and provides you with the joy and contentment He's given me.  Hug your loved ones and don't forget to count your blessings!

~Em



 

Where's the Reset Button?

  I think most people have questioned their beliefs or their approach to life at least once (or several times).  I know I have.  I've never doubted God's existence or the reality of salvation through Christ, but I have doubted pretty much every other aspect of my faith at one point or another.  Stone me if you wish, but I'm just being honest here.

  God is absolutely the Ultimate for me.  He is my everything and I am so grateful to have Him in my life.  Without him, I wouldn't have gotten through the couple years of absolute darkness I finally broke out of. He and a select few people who truly care saved me from utter destruction.  So as I write this, I want it to be clear.... I have never and will never deny my faith in my Creator, my Healer, my Father, my Friend... my Savior.  He is so beyond real to me that you could throw all of the pain and sorrow of the world at me, and I will still believe.

  That being said, I am so heartbroken and disappointed in the whole of the Christian community lately.  I disagree with the approach of many people.... and I disagree with the way I've handled many things myself in the not-too-distant past.  Many of us, especially after having gathered together, believe we have the right to climb up on a high horse and throw verses, judgement, and condemnation at people who don't do things the "right" way.

  We are so quick to dismiss those who live life differently, that we forget to flipping love them.  We condemn them to hell rather than opening up our arms and our hearts to them and just being there for them.  We believe every little mishap is a heartbeat shy of demonic possession and we run around trying to cast things out of people, rather than letting them deal with their sin or circumstances in their own way.

  We all have the knowledge of good and evil.  We also have free will.  God did the dirty work when He sent His Son to bear all of our sin and die on the cross to rise again and purify our hearts.  Our job isn't to tell everyone how horribly they're acting or how quickly they'd land in hell if they were to die at that very moment.  I believe we are meant to love on others.  We're meant to share the freedom, grace, mercy, goodness, and love of Jesus.  Our approach has been so arrogant, so judgmental.  We can't win others for Jesus when we treat them as if they're garbage.

  While I'm not going to roll over and agree with all lifestyles, choices, and actions people take, I sure as hell am done looking down my nose at them.  I believe God designed me to be a lover.  When I point out people's weaknesses or differences, I feel dirty inside.  I feel like I'm outing them as a way to hide my own demons.  I am not perfect, and am not going to pretend to be.  With all of my imperfections comes an understanding of other people's situations.

  How is my secret sin any better than someone's obvious sin?  How does that give me license to jump down a person's throat when I catch them being "bad"?  It isn't and it doesn't.  Period.

  An example of what I'm talking about would be the big homosexuality debate. There are many opinions on homosexuality.  I've been kind of all over the place in my beliefs on this.  Unfortunately, I've been that judgmental, snotty Christian.  I deeply regret that time in my life.  While I'm still trying to figure out exactly where I stand, I know that I no longer view gay people as someone to fix.  I don't view myself as any better than them or any more worthy of the love of God.  I certainly know for a fact that it is not up to me to tell them who to love, how to live, or what to do about it.  It is personal to them.... it is between them and God.  God doesn't love them any less than he loves a pastor with a wife and three kids.  We should follow His lead.

  Another example would be the pro-life/pro-choice debate.  I'm obviously pro-life, but I am in no way pro-life in the sense that I'm going to condemn a person for having an abortion.  I hurt for them.  I hurt for the baby.  I don't see that mother as evil.  I see her as believing there was no other way out.  I wish I could save every pregnancy.  I wish I could help every mother financially, emotionally, and spiritually so that there's no question in her mind that she should have her baby.  I wish that every woman would see the life growing inside her as an opportunity to bring more good into the world, regardless of whether or not she is the one to raise that baby.  The thing is, I'm sick and tired of hearing hateful words spewed at women who made that choice.  She can't take it back.  I'm sure most women wish they could, but what's done is done and there is absolutely no sense in making matters worse by covering these women with added guilt.  If you know someone who's had an abortion, please just love them.  You don't have to say a word about it.  Just love them.

  Those are just two big examples of the situations in which I'm horrified at the behavior of fellow Christians.  We are no better than the person next to us.  We need to stop acting like we've got our stuff together all the time.  We need to start being real and honest about our struggles.  We need to understand that just because another person's struggles are different than ours, doesn't mean they are less than.  We're all people.  We're all just trying to get through this life the best way we know how.  We need to cut each other a little slack now and then.  We need to extend love and grace to everyone we encounter in our day to day.  We especially need to be loving and gracious toward those God has placed in our lives.  Don't let your pride cause a family member to walk away.  Don't let your need to be right cause broken relationships and broken hearts.  Just be love.  God is love.  We need to be love.  BE LOVE.

  Are you a living, breathing, feeling human being?  Do you believe in God, do you not, or are you still sorting through your beliefs? Are you depressed, anxious, totally at peace? Jesus loves you and so do I.
  Are you gay or straight?  Are you broken, healed, unscathed?  Did you hurt someone or did someone hurt you?   Do you struggle with addiction? Jesus loves you and so do I.
  Did you commit adultery or are you faithful to your spouse?  Did you wish harm on someone or do you feel shunned by another? Do you have regrets? Jesus loves you and so do I.
  Are you poor, are you rich? Are you democrat, republican, libertarian, do you not care?  Jesus loves you and so do I.  Do you get the picture?  You are loved, no matter what you've done, no matter who you are.  As long as you are walking this earth, you are able to start new if necessary, and you are able to receive God's grace and mercy.  You have people in your corner and you are LOVED.

  I'm done with hurtful religious ambitions.  I'm all about being real, loving on people, and allowing God to work through me with love and compassion.  I'm a nobody.  I have no credentials, no wisdom beyond what God chooses to gift me, but I am definitely somebody that wants to put a stop to the ridiculous bickering that has taken place.  I can't do much beyond sharing my thoughts and feelings on all of this. I can't step much further than just to be that person who extends a caring hand to those around me, but I pray that God will work through all of our hearts to show us how to behave and play well with others.  It's time for a real change, don't you think?  Now, where's the reset button?

My Hodgepodge Post

  If you could look inside my brain, you'd be grateful I haven't posted anything new in the past couple weeks.  It is an absolute jumbled mess.  If I have more than a handful of things to focus on at once, my mind becomes a haven for chaos and traffic jams.  

  As my faithful readers know, I often go way off track in my posts.  Today, you'll be "blessed" with a hodgepodge of thoughts. Most of this is just to get the thoughts out of my head so I can free up some of the space in my brain.  Some is me being real and showing you that we all deal with chaos in our lives.  And some is to be an encouragement.  Take what you will and forget the rest.

  Thought #1: We're still adjusting a bit to Jeff's schedule.  I think I've finally found a way for the kids and I to function in the midst of these awkward hours alone.  Just yesterday, I finally put my foot down and changed our school schedule.  I always had it in my mind that we needed to begin school in the morning in order to find success each day.  This was a silly notion, because a couple of us are most definitely not morning people.  In fact, I think I only have one genuine morning person in the bunch, but she is chipper all day, as long as she's fed. So we're trying out a new schedule for the next week or two.  If it works, we'll keep it.  If it doesn't, we'll toss it.

  Thought #2: Our family is also on the verge of another move.  We live quite far from Jeff's new job and a good distance from most of our friends and family, so this wonderful little town is no longer the right fit for us.  Anyone who has ever moved knows how stressful it can be.  The searching for a new place, the packing, the moving heavy objects, the time it takes to feel settled in your new home.  We're still in the searching phase and I'm ready for it to be over.  We have moved a lot over the years.  Way too much.  This next move is temporary.  We won't be settling... it's just another jumping pad to yet another home in the near future.  It's okay.  It's not the end of the world.  It's not my preference, but we have to do what we have to do.  It's one more step toward our ultimate goal, so I'll try to take this step as gracefully as humanly possible.

  Thought #3: I may very well be going stir-crazy, too, and I can't blame the abundance of snow Michigan has been hit with lately.  My hubby and I currently share a car, so my window of time to get out and about before he heads to his job every day is slim to none.  Grocery shopping with one or two kids in tow has been the highlight of my winter life since the holidays have passed.  I can't complain too much.  I am the ultimate homebody, but there comes a point when being home too much can drive anyone mad. Which brings me back to the move.  The closer I am to my friends and family, the more often I'll see them.  See, I'm being positive. ;)

  Thought #4: While Jeff and I seem to be holding up well through all of our hiccups and struggles, I have family members who are dealing with things as well.  Things that aren't mine to share, and things that are out of my hands.  I hurt for them, pray for them, and these things affect me more than they'll know.  That's the thing about family... when one faces sickness, heartache, or hard times, we all face it together.

  Thought #5: Life isn't all bad and stressful right now.  While there are many time consuming issues that we're dealing with, I couldn't have asked for a better man to walk through life with.  I feel that our marriage has become stronger in the past few months than it has over the past twelve years.  There is a deeper connection and a higher level of trust than I've experienced, and it is refreshing to let go and allow Jeff to be the husband he's been proving himself to be over and over throughout our marriage.  I'm a tough shell to break, and he's a patient, patient man.

  More Thoughts:

  We've had some fun in our little hermit hut... the Tooth Fairy paid Logie Bear a visit... twice in one week, KayKay made cute masks and the kids have been getting very creative in their free time, Ellie Belle has been improving upon her princess/diva/ballerina skills, HayHay has been cooking up a storm, I've been enjoying alone nights watching shows and movies with each child, and we've had visitors every now and then.  These are some of the little moments that keep me going.

  Life has swooped me up into a fast moving whirlwind all while forcing me to stay put and practice patience at the same time.  The great thing is, despite all the nay-saying from outsiders, and despite some stressful circumstances, the Lord has really given me peace about it all.  I've had my moments of doubt, but He has gently, but quickly helped me to snap out of them every time.  God is good, even when life can be hard.  God is here in the good times and bad.

  We all go through different seasons in life.  We all face trials and tribulations.  We are all blessed with victories.  I can't imagine going through life without Jesus.  I can't imagine how lonely that would be.  He is my constant.  He is the rock I cling to when I need a solid foundation.  He is the loving arms I run to when I need comfort.  He is the first to cheer with me when things go right.  God is the ultimate Friend, Father, Coach, Cheerleader, and Superhero.  He is everything to me and I can't begin to express how grateful I am to be His child.  If you're going through stressful situations and need the best of friends to help you through, turn to Jesus.  There is no better friend in the world.

  Jeff and I will get through these obstacles.  We've been through much, much worse.  We'll face more trials down the road.  Bring it on, life! Bring it on!  With God by our side, we will come out victorious!  So will you, friends.  Face your storms with the ultimate Superhero by your side.  You will not be disappointed.

  If you need prayer or encouragement this week, please don't hesitate to contact me.  I know I have benefited greatly from the support of friends and family.  I've been through a lot, so I am no stranger to the stresses and sorrows of life.  It would be my privilege to pray with you through your hard times... and praise God with you through your good times.


Be blessed!

~Em