You are WORTHY

    I had been spiraling downward for a while now. It could be lack of sleep... running on autopilot... the devil (you know how he likes to jump on our weaknesses)... whatever it may be... I had been losing sight of who I really am.

  Then God used random people and out of the box situations to snap me back to life.  It's funny how He works sometimes, isn't it?  He finds you no matter where you are, and uses whatever He can to teach you and show you just how much He loves you.  He is pretty darn amazing if you ask me!

  I have been struggling with comparison... and not fitting into certain boxes the "majority" want others to fit in.  I was feeling very ugly, unworthy, and unwanted by many many people.

  How my dear husband has put up with me and repeatedly reminded me how beautiful he thinks I am is beyond me.  I would have been pretty darn sick of his down in the dumps attitude if the tables were turned.  Just bein' honest here. ;) He definitely has rock solid patience, that one.  Love you, Jeff. <3

  Anyway, there have been a few people and a few situations that have really lifted my spirits and brought me out of that place of self-loathing.  I'm not completely to the place of self-love... I do still have flaws I want to change... or need to change, but I'm remembering that I AM worthy and that God loves me right where I am, He loves me for WHO I am, and that brings me such joy.

  This cycle is a constant battle in my life.  It has led to some serious depression at times.  It has led to lost friendships.  It has led to unnecessary stress in our home.  There are some bulky chains that NEED to be broken, and I am so thankful that God has carried me to a place where I can see that and start working on chipping away at my shackles.

  I want to encourage you if you're in a place of self-loathing, unworthiness, restlessness, comparison, jealousy, sadness whatever it may be...  YOU... yes YOU are worthy.  You are loved.  Even if you feel that your entire support system has vanished... YOU are LOVED by Someone who is far greater, far better than any human being could ever be. YOU are LOVED by the CREATOR... YOU are LOVED by a GOD who sacrificed EVERYTHING to SAVE you.  YOU are LOVED by the ONLY ONE who can bring you true PEACE and JOY.

  So if you feel alone, know that you're not alone.  If you feel lost, know that HE knows exactly where you are...He sees you and He is opening His arms to you.  Allow Him to embrace you and heal you.

  I'm not sharing my struggles to bring you down or to make you feel sorry for me.  I've done enough of that on my own. ;)  I share my story because you need to see that no matter how many times you lose sight of what GOD has for you... what HE sees in you.... no matter how many times you lose your way.... He is ALWAYS there to bring you back to the path He carved out for you.  He is ALWAYS there to remind you of how WORTHY and BEAUTIFUL and LOVED you are.  Turn to Him.  Always.

Lots of love and prayers for you, my friends.  We are in this thing called LIFE together... with a GOD who can move mountains... we've got this!!!! xoxo

~Em

Real Talk

I haven't felt like writing in a while. Truthfully, it's been a challenge to juggle all the responsibilities that are on my plate right now, and blogging was one of the last things I wanted to do.  It's hard to want to encourage others when you yourself feel like you don't have it all together. So I apologize for that, because I really do believe that when you are having a rough go of it, or even if things are good, but life is busy, it's so important to keep up with the connections and find strength in your friendships.

I tend to close myself off to pretty much everyone when I'm down and out.  I guess calling what I'm dealing with "down and out" is too harsh.  I'm happy.... just overwhelmed with life, if that makes sense.  I guess I just need to sit down and rate my priorities, set some boundaries, and see what changes need to be made to get me to a place where I am no longer overwhelmed, but overjoyed with my schedule and the activities set in place for my family (and myself).

I'm not here to complain, just to be real, because I know that there isn't a whole lot of real these days.  Not the real that can be encouraging anyway.  So I aim to encourage not only the people who read this post, but myself as well.  We always get through these times.  We always find the balance once more.  The balance will become topsy turvy again, and then we will do what we need to to set it straight for the umpteenth time.  It's just a part of life.

There are so many exciting things happening for our kids, especially.  We've been enjoying homeschool co-op.  I have no idea how we pushed through without such a connection the past couple years, but we are absolutely loving this great group of homeschoolers and all the fun we have with them every other week.  The kids just tried Awana for the first time the other night.  The girls LOVED it and the boys need to warm up to the idea a bit more.  I think they had much more fun than they let on.  They were just being tough and manly about their enthusiasm. ;)

We've got all the holidays coming up, as you know, so there is so much fun in store.  Wesson has a birthday....which could be the very reason I'm in a funk lately.  I don't want my baby to graduate to the next chapter in life... not yet anyway. haha

We're looking to move soon.  Hopefully by spring.  If we don't move before the dead of winter, then we'll stay put until moving makes sense again.  This is another thing that is weighing heavy on me.  I feel so unsettled.  I've always felt that way to a degree.  I'm not sure what it feels like to be at complete peace with where we live and to truly feel "at home" in any given house.  I hope that I can experience that feeling when we finally find our next home.  We definitely know what we do and don't want at this point in our lives.  We've moved a LOT and we've lived in many types of homes on many types of properties.  Where we are now is most definitely NOT where we want to settle.  Not that I have license to complain.  I have a pretty kitchen, my own bathroom, and the fact that we have a roof over our heads means we're crazy blessed.  So my first world problems should probably shut their yap.

I think that maybe my problem is that I'm struggling to dream, and dreaming is just a huge part of who I am and what I do.  It's how I've always been.  I've always been a dreamer and a planner.  I need to find that bit of hope... hope that the dreams Jeff and I have for our family are just around the corner.  I really don't have big dreams, but they have been just out of reach for so long, that I'm struggling to believe we'll grab hold of them at all.  How depressing am I being right now, really? lol

Anyway, I know that most people have felt this way at one point or another, and I know that challenges will come up time and time again. We just need to remember to adjust our focus.  We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, and let Him lead us through the rough waters.  We need to TRUST that everything will work out for the good, because God wants good for us.

So many things are coming against me and my mission to keep that dreaded depression monster at bay.  I know a lot of people would say to get over it or to do such and such to snap out of it, but I'm sorry to say, that's just not how it works for those of us who truly struggle with this regularly.  I went for so long without these feelings trying to creep back in, but this is a fight I'm in the midst of... right now... at this very moment.

The darkness hasn't taken over.  I'm on the edge, but I'm fighting a good fight.  I'm pouring all of my energy into the positive things in my life ~ my husband, my kids, my love for my YL business, the new friendships I'm absolutely geeked over, the positive changes that have been improving my family's life bit by bit.  I'm doing my best to shake the monster off my back and jump back into life all happy-go-lucky and bubbly-like.

I think a lot of this is postpartum nonsense.  Seriously, guys.... postpartum recovery in my thirties is a sloooooow process compared to the last four babes I had.  The fatigue (maybe having to do with the fact that my baby still wakes around the clock), the brain fog, the sloth-paced movements my body makes.... it all adds up and I am struggling not to get down on myself for not bouncing back right away.

I don't seek out sympathy, or advice.  I've been here before.  :)  I just want to be honest and real and raw and show you that even those of us who thrive when encouraging our friends... those of us who live to brighten someone's day.... even we have our rough seasons.  Even we find the need to step back and just "be" for a while.  I rarely find myself in a position where I feel like I'm 100% on top of life.  Okay... I never do.... and I rarely come close.  It's just what it is.  Life isn't easy, and we all have our burdens to carry and our battles to fight.  This is just a little glimpse into mine.

So now that you see I haven't conquered life on earth and destroyed the imperfections, I want to come back around to that ray of sunshine I strive to be for you.  I know that things will get better.  I've lived through this sort of thing time and time again.  I know that I will not allow the darkness to swallow me up like I did a few years ago.  I know that I am much stronger today than I was back then.  AND, most importantly, I know that if you have connected with anything I've shared tonight, YOU TOO can beat this!  You too CAN pull through.

I am praying for my friends who are going through similar situations.  My heart is aching for those who have it worse.  I am lifting you all up and handing you all over to the ONE and ONLY ONE who can wash away your pain, your stress, your sorrow... He is going to carry you through.  I promise.

Love to you all, and thank you to those of you who have always been supportive of me... in my good times and bad.  You mean the world to me.  You know exactly who you are!  <3

Lots of love,
Em

How the Robin Williams Tragedy Hits Close to Home

    Sometimes the people who seem the happiest on the outside are absolutely tormented on the inside.  Robin Williams is just one example of a person such as this.  His death has impacted me more than I let on.  I actually wanted to avoid talking about it altogether, because it has stirred up a lot of emotions in me, and a lot of reminders of my not-to-distant past.

    For those of you who do not know me well, and for those who are new to my blog, I suffered from severe depression.  Depression that almost ruined my marriage.  Depression that wrapped its ugly fingers around my very core.  Depression that could have, and came very close to a similar end result as Mr. Williams' had it not been for my lifelong relationship with the Lord and those people who fought so hard for me.  Not many knew about my depression... and only a couple knew about my fleeting thoughts of suicide.  This issue is a very real, very scary, extremely embarrassing, often invisible fight.  It took a lot for me to write about it last year, and it still scares the snot out of me to write about it today, but now that I'm in a place where life is livable again, and I feel true joy and peace, I need to speak up.  I need others to know they are not alone and that they are not horrible people for going through this.  Here are two of my previous blogs on depression, if you'd like to read them: the first is my story and a bit on how to approach a loved one who is going through such a difficult mindset: A Glimmer of Hope.  The second is a sort of update/bit of encouragement, and a look into how I personally found my way out: There Is Hope.

    People often like to blame a person and the way they live their life for their depression.  While choices can absolutely affect the degree of one's depression, it is incredibly important that you NOT start pointing the finger and try to fix them when you have no clue what they are going through.  Many people experience depression at some point in their life.... depression can be brought on by life's circumstances.  BUT in this instance (I believe), and in my circumstance, it is a lifelong battle, whether the depression is felt at all times or not.  I will not have someone tell me I'm living my life the wrong way, so I had it coming.  My life is wonderful, my circumstances are pretty ideal.... I love Jesus with all my heart, I have a solid marriage, I put so much into my kids..... so to tell me that it is my fault... or to tell another that it is their fault that they suffer is infuriating to me.  Don't do it.  Each case of depression is different from the next.  The best thing we can do to help our loved ones is to be there for them, to pray for them, to bring as much joy into their lives as possible.  Leave the condemnation, the unsolicited advice, and the finger pointing at the door.  All of that can cause so much more damage than has already been done.  A depressed person feels enough guilt as it is; we don't need to add more kindling to the fire.

    If you are suffering from depression, know that I feel so deeply for you.  I understand what that feels like, even if I'm not in your exact situation.  I pray for you, my heart aches for you, and I am here for you, however you need me to be.  Knowing Jesus, finding support in loved ones, and doing your best to climb out of this is all wonderful... but please don't beat yourself up when you find that these relationships and efforts don't always envelop you in light and joy.  When you find those moments of peace, enjoy them to the fullest, and figure out what you've been doing and how you can continue to feel at ease.  This fight is an uphill battle, but you can get through this.  Remember that there are people who love and pray for you, even if you don't see them.  I say all this, not as advice, because what works for me may not work for you.... but I say this to encourage you, to show you that there are ways to enjoy life again; you just have to find them.  I have faith that you will!  I look forward to hearing your success story, and I encourage you to share with others who may be hurting, so they may be inspired to find the light at the end of their tunnels.

    One more thing.... and I stress this!  Suicide is NEVER the answer.  There is always hope, even when you can't see it.  Don't be too ashamed to reach out for help.  Find a loved one, a pastor, call a hotline.... do whatever you can to find value in your life.  You ARE valuable, you ARE worthy of living a life of happiness, you ARE an important part of society, and you WOULD ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT DOUBT, be INCREDIBLY missed if you chose to end your life.  So please, if you've gotten to the point of what you feel to be no return, please, please, please seek help.  Each life is too precious, too fragile, too valuable to throw away....  don't let the darkness swallow you whole.  Don't let it win.  Choose LIFE.  <3

    Rest in peace, dear Robin.  You were loved by many.  You will always hold a special place in my heart.

~Em

This was me, doing my best to put on a happy face during one of my very darkest times.  The torment isn't always visible.  Always walk in love.  Always.

There Is Hope

  Sitting in a puddle of our own tears does us no good. Sometimes we believe we deserve to sulk and feel sorry for ourselves when life keeps kicking us down. Sometimes it's therapeutic to cry, yes, but to wallow in our own misery is a complete waste of time.

  I've been getting kicked by life a lot lately.  A lot. Seriously, so much that it makes my head spin.  Thankfully I've had great support from friends and family, natural supplements, and the Lord by my side or I might have fallen down to that deep, dark depression I lived with before.

  I can't say I handle these situations with grace.  Most of the time I don't.  I let my emotions get the best of me and have to pick myself up and start over for the most part.  It isn't fun, starting over.  It is emotionally draining to see a pattern of stumbling and failing.  The thing I'm incredibly blessed by is the fact that though I've stumbled a lot lately, and though life seems to hate my guts, I'm still functioning.  I'm still hopeful.  I'm still breathing and full of determination to get myself past these obstacles that have been thrown my way.

  It is a good feeling, seeing all the adversity, and knowing everything is going to be alright.  It is refreshing not to crawl back into that dark hole and hold on for dear life.  Fighting back and pushing forward makes life much more bearable.  It makes me feel like a better mom, a better wife, and a better Me.

  I know some people who are stuck in the dark cloud of depression.  I know how that feels and I hurt for you.  I also want you to know that it DOES get better.  There IS a light at the end of the tunnel.  I can't give you a 12-step program to get better.  I can't fix you myself.  What I can tell you is how I conquered my demons.  Maybe some of these things can help you, too. The key to killing the beast is to keep fighting for your life!

  My first step in getting through my long bout of depression was to distance myself from the triggers.  By "triggers," I mean those people, habits, and places that cause more stress and anxiety than necessary.  This is easier said than done, but I highly recommend taking one step at a time and ridding yourself of unnecessary stress.  I'm still struggling with ridding myself of certain people and habits, but I'm trying.

  My second, which should be the first, unfortunately was an afterthought. I needed to hand it all over to God.  As much as I love Him, and as much as I value Who He is to me, I neglected that relationship.  I think I was so full of guilt, that I felt unworthy of having a relationship with Him.  I loved Him, I prayed to Him, but I also neglected to give my all to Him.  Instead of handing over my heartache and accepting His help, I tried to conquer it on my own.  I came up short.  I failed.  I needed Him and I didn't want to admit it.  

  The third step was to naturally boost my health.  I struggle with eating the way I know I should.  I have discovered what foods work for me, yet I keep eating those that can trigger episodes of anxiety and moodiness.  I used to drink Diet Coke.  A lot.  Too much to admit to.  I knew better.  I knew that my brain can't handle the aspartame.  I knew that drinking that "poison" as I like to call it, would trigger my anxiety attacks and insomnia.  I finally gave up the poison and have benefited greatly.  My mind and body work best on a plant based diet, and that is my current goal.  I'm striving to cut out the rest of the crap foods I cling to and start embracing those foods that make me the best version of myself.  I have also recently discovered some amazing essential oils that have helped me curb those anxiety attacks that try to take over. I LOVE that I can use a natural resource to kick this in the rear, rather than popping pills to mask my symptoms.  I never did well on meds anyway.

  Those are the biggies for me.  I'm sure I've done some other things that have helped me along the way.  I know that this will be an ongoing battle, but now I feel I have a good handle on what tools to use and Who to turn to in my times of trouble.

  I encourage you to seek out your own ways of enriching your lives.  What changes do you need to make to bring true joy and happiness back to your heart?  What or who do you need to distance yourself from?  What could you add to your day to day?  You may have a long road ahead of you to feel at peace, or you may be just around the corner, but I urge you to do whatever it takes to conquer this.  You are in my prayers and I am here if you ever need to talk.  I understand all too well the hurt of losing hope and the pain caused by fear, doubt, and darkness.  If you don't know me personally, or if you don't feel comfortable talking with me, please find someone who understands.  And please turn to God.  He is your biggest supporter, your most resourceful ally, and your best shot at moving from depression to peace.

  As much as I am uncomfortable with giving advice when it comes to things like this, I really feel there are people who need the encouragement and some ideas of how to move from drowning, to treading water, to swimming like a pro.  I'm still treading myself, but it is so much better being in a place where I can gasp for air and see the sun shining down on my face. I want this for you... I want this and so much more for you.

  Be blessed and know that along with God, there are people in your corner  There are others who have similar struggles.  There are friends who understand.  

~Em

A Glimmer of Hope

  This week, I am going to write a bit about a very sensitive, hush-hush topic.  I'm going to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who has gone through some very severe depression.  I thank the Lord every day that he brought me out of that dark time, but I will never forget~ and I don't want to, because I want to be sensitive to those who are going through a similar situation right now.

  I have struggled with depression on and off since I was a teen.  I mostly had rough patches now and again, but it was nothing that consumed me.  A little over two years ago, I was engulfed in hard core, dark, all-consuming depression.  It didn't let up until recently, but only for a few days at a time.  I felt as if I was drowning.  I was gasping for air with no hope in sight.  I felt that my struggle was invisible to most, so I tried to put on a good face for the world, because who wants to see the ugliness I was going through?

  God finally brought me out of that black pit and I have the greatest sense of freedom and pure joy! I have had some sad days brought on by difficult situations since my breakthrough, but that dark cloud that hovered over me has lifted and LIFE has taken its place.

  I'm not going to pretend that life from here on out is going to be a constant state of happiness and care-free days.  I'm not that naive.  However, I am hell-bent on protecting myself and my loved ones from the misery I was in over the past couple years.  The depression that consumed me not only affected my life, but it burst through me to grab hold of my marriage and poke at my kids.  I lost some friendships along the way as well.  It's ironic that when someone goes through such a dark time, a time where solid relationships are so crucial, that you find yourself so alone.  This is not my attempt to blame anyone but myself, as while in my embarrassing state of mind, I pushed many, many people away.

  There is so much guilt associated with depression, especially when you have a spouse and children.  You should be happy.  You have so many reasons to live each day with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.  This guilt sent me in a downward spiral that I never thought I'd recover from.

  It took everything in me to do the day to day things, but by God's grace, the important things got done.  I could tell my kids were careful around me.  They could see that I was hurting. They would cuddle with me on the couch and play happily nearby, but I could always see in their eyes that they were assessing the situation to see what state of mind I was in at that very moment.  It breaks my heart that they had to see me that way.  I never ever stopped loving on them, caring for them, or putting my all into raising them, but that certain sparkle a mom usually has was missing.

  They are living with a whole new mom today.  They see that the sparkle is back.  They see I'm whole.  The vibe in our house is completely different: Now there is genuine laughter.  There is hope. I once again feel worthy to be my children's mother.  I feel like I am worthy of being loved by my husband.  It is wonderful beyond words.  Had you asked me about my worth just 6 months ago, I would have been stumped to find something positive to say about myself.  I was that far gone.  But the Lord is steadfast.  He never gives up on us, even if we give up on ourselves.  He is always waiting, always reaching for us.

  Just admitting to the darkness that overwhelmed me is draining.  No one wants to admit they're anything but happy, let alone that they could barely function most days. But I know that if there is someone out there who needs to know that there is hope for a better life, that there is freedom from the bondage of depression, I need to put myself out there.  I need to be a voice for the hopeless, because I know all too well what that feels like.

  There is so much judgement that comes from those who don't understand what you're going through, especially if you are a Christian.  I've been told that I wasn't putting enough into my relationship with the Lord and that is why I was depressed. I've been told that I wasn't focusing enough on the positive things in my life.  Let me tell you one thing.... guilt trips are NOT going to pull someone out of this.  Placing the blame is going to cause more harm than good.  If you know someone who is depressed, just be there for them.  Pray for them.  Only give counsel when you know what they're going through.  If you don't have experience with serious, consuming depression, you don't  need to say anything.  Encouragement, hugs, and a listening ear will lift a person's spirits much higher than unsolicited advice.

  If you are struggling with depression today, please know that my heart is with you.  I am no expert in "recovery," but I have (all too recently) been in your shoes and I  know for a FACT that there IS HOPE!  Don't give up on yourself!  You are worth happiness and peace.  God wants joy and goodness for you.  He hurts when you hurt and he laughs with you when you are happy.  He never stopped cradling me all those times I cried myself to sleep.  He never stopped caring for my family when I felt I had failed them.  You are LOVED, even when you feel unlovable.

  If you need a listening ear, I am here.  If you want prayer, I'm already praying for you.  Don't give up, keep pushing through! If you feel that counseling will help you, seek it out.  Do seek the Lord, but please don't start blaming yourself for your pain.  Surround yourself with people who love you.  Let them in.  Blocking people out will only bring loneliness. Let your loved ones love on you. Allow the Lord to hold you and to speak to you. You are worth much more than what you've been going through. You are worth joy. You matter.  Peace is near and hope is real.  Love and hugs to you.

Em

P.S.  I want to thank those who carried me along while I struggled: My parents, my in-laws, my siblings, and those precious, close friends.  God had an obvious part in this... He takes the cake! I especially want to thank my children for loving me when I was unlovable and for being my reason to live and push myself to get through this.  And my husband, most of all.  Jeff, you are my rock.  You stood by me when most men would throw up their hands and leave.  I put you through hell and you never gave up on me.  Many husbands can learn from you and your commitment to me.  You are incredible, Jeffrey.  I love you!