You are WORTHY

    I had been spiraling downward for a while now. It could be lack of sleep... running on autopilot... the devil (you know how he likes to jump on our weaknesses)... whatever it may be... I had been losing sight of who I really am.

  Then God used random people and out of the box situations to snap me back to life.  It's funny how He works sometimes, isn't it?  He finds you no matter where you are, and uses whatever He can to teach you and show you just how much He loves you.  He is pretty darn amazing if you ask me!

  I have been struggling with comparison... and not fitting into certain boxes the "majority" want others to fit in.  I was feeling very ugly, unworthy, and unwanted by many many people.

  How my dear husband has put up with me and repeatedly reminded me how beautiful he thinks I am is beyond me.  I would have been pretty darn sick of his down in the dumps attitude if the tables were turned.  Just bein' honest here. ;) He definitely has rock solid patience, that one.  Love you, Jeff. <3

  Anyway, there have been a few people and a few situations that have really lifted my spirits and brought me out of that place of self-loathing.  I'm not completely to the place of self-love... I do still have flaws I want to change... or need to change, but I'm remembering that I AM worthy and that God loves me right where I am, He loves me for WHO I am, and that brings me such joy.

  This cycle is a constant battle in my life.  It has led to some serious depression at times.  It has led to lost friendships.  It has led to unnecessary stress in our home.  There are some bulky chains that NEED to be broken, and I am so thankful that God has carried me to a place where I can see that and start working on chipping away at my shackles.

  I want to encourage you if you're in a place of self-loathing, unworthiness, restlessness, comparison, jealousy, sadness whatever it may be...  YOU... yes YOU are worthy.  You are loved.  Even if you feel that your entire support system has vanished... YOU are LOVED by Someone who is far greater, far better than any human being could ever be. YOU are LOVED by the CREATOR... YOU are LOVED by a GOD who sacrificed EVERYTHING to SAVE you.  YOU are LOVED by the ONLY ONE who can bring you true PEACE and JOY.

  So if you feel alone, know that you're not alone.  If you feel lost, know that HE knows exactly where you are...He sees you and He is opening His arms to you.  Allow Him to embrace you and heal you.

  I'm not sharing my struggles to bring you down or to make you feel sorry for me.  I've done enough of that on my own. ;)  I share my story because you need to see that no matter how many times you lose sight of what GOD has for you... what HE sees in you.... no matter how many times you lose your way.... He is ALWAYS there to bring you back to the path He carved out for you.  He is ALWAYS there to remind you of how WORTHY and BEAUTIFUL and LOVED you are.  Turn to Him.  Always.

Lots of love and prayers for you, my friends.  We are in this thing called LIFE together... with a GOD who can move mountains... we've got this!!!! xoxo

~Em

Shifting Focus

    I've been thinking a lot lately about priorities.  I've been feeling the pull one way or another to up my focus... I've experienced guilt trips from others, from myself, from society's norms.  I allowed these to bring me down.  I've allowed the thoughts and opinions of others, and even my negative opinions of myself to swallow me whole.

  It is a struggle for most to keep from making idols of those things that are important to them.  Whether it be their marriage, children, careers, keeping up with their looks, finding approval and respect from friends and strangers alike, and the list goes on...  I know I'm guilty of putting much of this at the very top of my list, only to find that my relationship with Jesus keeps inching down the line.

   For me, my biggest struggle has been knowing that I don't measure up in a multitude of areas in my life.  I may be the best I can be in certain areas, but I've let comparison steal my joy.  I've let the gaps and imperfections become the stars of my thoughts while Jesus sits quietly waiting for me to remember Him... all that He is to me, all that He's done for me, all that He has for me, and all that I can be through Him.

    When we start focusing on the things the world dictates as important and worthy of our utmost attention, we lose focus on what is true, what is right, what is real.  We look away from our Savior, and begin sinking into those rough waters we once walked on when our eyes were on Him. We try to become our own saviors.... we think we can do it alone... we put too much faith in ourselves and end up failing miserably.

    I haven't forgotten about my Best Friend, but I surely haven't been the friend He deserves.  I notice that every time I turn away even the slightest bit, the weight of it begins to darken my spirit.  Depression starts tying that noose around my neck.  Anger bubbles up and begins to boil over.  Sadness drowns me in my own tears.  Defeat throws me into that black hole and repeatedly buries me in my own guilt.

    I can't do life on my own.  I can't do life by putting all my faith in my husband or children.  I can't do life by putting all my hope in my friends. I can't do life by believing my successes will bring me true happiness. None of us can.  If we live that way, if we consistently look for saving in all the wrong places we are absolutely fooling ourselves.  We can only thrive with Jesus.

    There will be periods of time where my focus is shifted.  I'll feel on top of the world.  I'll think I have it all and that nothing will stop me.  How naive.  How utterly silly.  All the good, all the glorious things that happen to me, don't happen because of me.  They don't happen because I am worthy.  They happen because Jesus wants good things for me.  How dare I put myself on a pedestal and expect not to tumble under pressure.  How dare I force that sort of worship and praise onto my loved ones, who will never measure up to the perfection that is my Savior.

    I'm not perfect.  I never will be.  I don't know much... and the more I learn, the more I realize that I have not even breached the surface.... but I do know, from my little experience in this world, that I need Jesus.  There's no way around it.  The world's measure of success should mean absolutely nothing to me.  I could mold myself to be much more beautiful, poised, and successful if I really put my mind to it... I believe we all have that drive in us... but all the beauty, money, and adoration.... that's all pale in comparison to what my heart could be if I put my all into growing in the Lord and living a sold out life for HIM.

    That's not to say that we can't be beautiful, successful, or well-loved by others.  Obviously those things are great.... until they become our number one priorities.  All is good and well with our souls until we eagerly gift them to our idols. It's so easy to do this without realizing we've pushed the Lord aside.... we must reel in our thoughts and actions... hold them captive... and direct them toward the One who deserves all of our attention and praise.

    If you're struggling to keep your priorities straight... if you feel the need to shift your focus back on Jesus, know that I am in your corner.  I'm praying for you and your walk with Him.  Will you do the same for me?  I believe this thing called "life" is meant to be lived with joy... we're meant to appreciate the blessings God has given us... but we can so easily take those blessings and make idols of them if we're not careful.  Let's strive to keep our Savior in the spotlight.  The rest of it, however precious must never be more than the supporting cast.... or, in some cases, the backstage crew. ;)

    I know my thoughts are jumbled up and came out in one big mess, but I hope you can sense my intention and know my heart in this matter.  I have messed up royally, so I see the urgency in setting things straight... I hope that you are able to learn from my experience: the importance of Jesus being your #1.  Much love to you, friends.  Hold me accountable, and if you wish, I will do my best to do the same for you! xoxo

~Em

A Loss is a Loss

*Warning: This is an extremely personal post.  I didn't want to share with anyone other than the couple of people I already opened up to, but I really feel that someone out there needs to hear my story to receive their own healing.  So I'm going to stretch myself and share... despite how silly or small it may seem to others.  It's big for me. I hope that you find encouragement from this in some small way.  *If you're a dude.... you probably want to skip out on this post.  Just sayin'. ;)    

 


  Oh, how I loathe the term "chemical pregnancy."  It takes away from the miracle, the life, the depth of what once was.  It makes a tiny, profound creation seem like a speck of dust.  Yes, I realize the size of such a creation isn't much bigger, but if your focus is on that little detail, you're missing my point.

 Over Mother's Day weekend, I experienced such a loss.  I had my typical symptoms of pregnancy about 4-5 days prior... maybe even up to a week before... tracking time isn't my strong suit. I always get nauseous and fatigued even before missing my period, and it was obvious enough to me that this was more than just PMS symptoms.  I'm still nursing my almost-17-month-old part time, so my cycle is still quite irregular, but I was past my first "due" date for Aunt Flo.  So I bought a 3-pack First Response Pregnancy Test.

  I took the first test late Friday afternoon and got a faint positive.  A cheesetastic smile plastered itself across my face. I tried not to become attached, I really did... but I'm a sucker for a pink line.  A pink line is full of possibilities.  A pink line brings with it hopes and dreams and fills your heart with love... great big love... for a tiny life growing inside your womb.  At least it does for me. I was excited... nervous.... but mostly beaming at the thought of bringing a sixth child into our family.  Despite my most valiant effort, I latched on to all of those hopes and dreams and plans like a leech.

  Because I wanted to be absolutely certain of the pregnancy, I took another test Saturday morning.  I was nauseous. That was a good sign.  I fully expected to see a slightly darker line on that stick.  Nothing.  I'll admit, I did fret over that disappointing sight.  Maybe it was a faulty test.  I decided I'd give it another day or two and test again.

  An hour or two... or three later, I started cramping.  This is pretty normal in early pregnancy, but it did have me on edge a bit.  Not long after that, the blood came... and my heart sank.  Despite my disappointment, I held it together pretty well.  I thought maybe that first test was a false positive... even though that isn't as likely as a false negative.  I distracted myself... made myself busy.

  Sunday morning I woke up with that weight pushed to the back of my head.  No time for mourning on Mother's Day.  Jeff and I were getting ready to head out and swap the boys for the girls.  They all love taking their turns at Grandpa and Grandma's house.

  I felt off.  Down. I didn't realize where that feeling was coming from at first, ironically enough.  I hopped in the shower and it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started sobbing.  All of those hopes, dreams, plans... all of that joy washed down the drain as I shed those tears my eyes so desperately needed to cry.

  I gave myself an internal pep talk and got dressed.  Then I cried again.  Pulled myself together, began doing my makeup... cried again.  You get the idea. Every little step I took to get ready was a challenge.  How was I going to face the day without looking like a complete basket case?

  Jeff offered to take the boys and grab the girls himself, but I didn't want to be home alone with my toddler and my tears on Mother's Day.  Today was supposed to be a joyous day.  My family was celebrating me... they were loving on me.  They were spoiling me.  I couldn't get in their way! ;)

  I put on my best fake happy face and we drove out to our regular meeting spot.  We were a bit late, as you can imagine... what with all the crying I did while trying to get ready.  I can't believe I didn't have raccoon eyes.  That in itself was a complete miracle.

  I tried to be the "me" my parents knew me to be.  I tried to not let the kids see how low I was.  I don't feel that I did a very good job at hiding my hurt, but no one said anything, so I suppose I'm a better actress than I give myself credit for!

  Later, Jeff, the girls, Wesson, and I went to the park.  I insisted.  I wanted to walk the trails.  I wanted to take my frustrations out on the pavement and gravel.  I wanted to move past this the best way I knew how.  I wanted to stop kicking myself for taking that test on Friday instead of waiting 'til Saturday.  I wanted to forget what really couldn't be forgotten.

  Some may be surprised at how devastated I was.  I surprised even myself...not so much that I was feeling the loss, but more at how deeply I felt it.  I am still having trouble with it, especially in the quiet of the night, after all of my other blessings are tucked away in their beds.

  There are many who don't become attached so early on.  I don't understand that.  I don't condemn it at all, I just don't know how they do it... part of me wishes I could figure that out myself.  I love fast and hard... and with that comes all the more hurt and heartache in situations like this.  You may think I'm too sensitive... and maybe you're right... but I do believe that grief is real... grief is agonizing... and I believe it is important to give in to the grief, at least for a time.... or it could swallow you whole when you least expect it.

  I'm sharing my story because I want to be a voice for those who feel that the world is telling them their grief or sadness is unjustified for whatever reason.  Whether my pregnancy test was a false positive... or I had a life inside me (I truly, with all of my being, believe this was the case), it was painful to lose that.

   No baby cries will pierce the air in our home next January.  No ultrasounds, diapers, cuddles, or kisses for that precious little life.  Life was here, then vanished... as if it never was.  YES.... that "clump of cells" was a life.  Don't tell me otherwise. That poppyseed of a baby was precious, valuable, worthy of love and real enough to me... and that is all that matters.

  I can't begin to wrap my mind around how devastating it must be to miscarry further into the pregnancy.  To have visible evidence of your precious child... a child that can be touched and held.... oh, my heart breaks for the mamas who have experienced such an incredible loss.

  Don't ever dismiss someone's feelings.  Don't ever tell them their grief, heartache, or pain isn't justified.... what you may think of as no big deal, might just be a damn big deal to another.  Offer your love and support to those who are hurting... whether that is just a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear, or a simple and sweet "I'm praying for you."  You don't have to fix them.  You don't have to understand.  You just have to love that person enough to care and acknowledge that they need your support... whatever that looks like.

  Thank you for listening to my heart. I appreciate your prayers.  If you are experiencing any sort of heartache, please don't hesitate to reach out.  I would be honored to pray with you, or just listen to you share your feelings with me.  Be blessed friends, and be that blessing to your loved ones, always.

~Em

P.S.  I have only told a couple people about this.  It isn't something I feel I can share too many times.  It's still too fresh and painful right now.  So please forgive me if you're hearing this for the first time.  I hope you understand and don't take offense.  <3

Feeling Overweight and Undervalued?

    Earlier this week, I popped into our local grocery store with Ella in tow to pick up some stuff for dinner that night.  I made sure to freshen up, change into a shirt without baby snot on the shoulder.  I added another coat of mascara and put on some lip gloss.  I felt decent.  Pretty, even.

    As Ella and I approached the store from the parking lot, a beautiful young woman drove by.  She looked me up and down with obvious disgust.  There was no mistaking her reaction to my appearance... and I broke down inside.  I gave her a weak smile and continued on, because I didn't want my sweet young daughter knowing that her mom was crushed by a simple look.  A look that said it all, without that woman saying a single word.

    I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the door as we walked in... and all I saw was my bulging stomach.  My shirt was too tight and it just emphasized the least attractive part of me.  I didn't realize it looked that way... even in my full length mirror at home.  But when I walked, it was right there, front and center...spotlight on the gut.  And that may or may not have been what that girl saw, as she drove by.

    I quickly grabbed what I needed, checked out, and made small talk (oh, how I loathe small talk) with the bagger as he walked Ella and I and our groceries out to our van.  I got home, put the groceries down, and excused myself to my room for a moment to just let myself sink... so none of my family had to know.  I choked back the big ol' crocodile tears that were trying to make their way to my cheeks, let out one quick painful sob.... gathered myself the best I knew how, and joined my family for dinner.

    I've been trying to better myself.  I started Trim Healthy Mama... and stopped while on vacation because frankly, it involved too much thinking and prep for my vacation-minded mode.  It's been about a week or so since we got home, and I'm still trying to get back on track.  So that was already weighing heavy on my mind when all of this went down.

    I should rewind a minute here.  I've always had self-esteem issues.  Even when I could fit my behind in a size 3, way back in high school.... I wasn't "skinny enough" in my mind.  So... fast forward to the overweight body I have now... it is a definite struggle.  I have my good moments, where I give myself permission to accept myself for who I am.... but in all honesty, those moments are few and far between.

    We live in a society where there is so much pressure on a woman to look a certain way, that even after five kids and going through some tough stuff in life... I can't accept that I allowed myself to get this way.  I'm very sensitive to "vibes."  I'm very sensitive to others' feelings about themselves.... so it just snowballs into one depressing heap of pathetic poo.  ;)

    When I hear these beautiful women who couldn't be any more perfect from where I see them... when I hear them talk down on their physique... I cringe... and die a little inside.  Have they looked at me?  Like actually looked at me?  Because if they had... maybe they wouldn't be so hard on themselves.

    Now this... all of this... I realize is SO incredibly unhealthy.  This is the point in my little post where I tell you what I'm thinking... days after that look in the grocery store parking lot.

    Of course I want to better myself.  Of course I want to look a certain way.  BUT.  I am done letting others' opinions of me send me into a downward spiral.  I am done letting others' opinions of themselves affect the way I see myself.  I am done thinking I am less than because I don't have the kind of physical appeal society deems as acceptable.

    If you can't accept me for who I am now.... If you can't accept that no matter how many times I try and fail at becoming a healthier version of myself, I may just never measure up to your ideals.... If you can't see that the vanity in all of this tears people like me apart.... keep on walkin' and have a nice life.

    I feel sort of mean saying that.  I want to be friends with everyone... but not everyone wants to be friends with me... and that's okay.  I give you permission to find friends you believe are suitable for you.

    I've been all sorts of sizes and felt all sorts of feelings about myself.  There are times I feel beautiful and desirable (usually in the presence of my hunky husband), and there are plenty of times where I feel like a beached whale with dull skin and frizzy hair.  There are times I don't think at all about what I look like... like when I'm snuggling with my youngest as he falls asleep in my arms... or when I'm hanging out with my girls, while we do our nails and talk about girly things... or when I'm listening to my boys talk about the things that make them happy.  I adore those times.  Those times when the opinions of the world and the negative thoughts in my head just fade away.

    I'm not writing this to get anyone to feel sorry for me.  I'm not writing this to receive encouragement... or backlash... or advice of any kind.  I'm writing this to show you... or someone else that happens to stumble across it... that they are not alone in their struggle with weight and all the mind garbage that comes with it.

    I'm so imperfect it's ridiculous... but I am trying.  I'm trying like mad to love myself in a way that shows Jesus I'm thankful for this life He's given me.  I'm trying to treat myself... body and mind with respect.  I may fall off the wagon... often... even daily at times... I may be so far off the wagon that I need to send out a search party to find it... but I am determined to jump back on and keep going... I  know I'll never achieve the perfect body... or have the perfect state of mind 24/7, but I am going to do my best to be my best for myself, for my husband and children, for Jesus... and for absolutely no one else.

I encourage you to do the same.  I could say "don't let the world's opinions knock you down."  If I said that though... there wouldn't be enough oomph behind it... because I know firsthand just how painful those opinions can be.  Do your best to rise above.  Reach out to someone who loves you unconditionally, and let them know you're hurting.  Message me if you need encouragement.  YOU are beautiful.  YOU are valuable.  YOU are worthy.  YOU are so much more than what some stranger sees out the driver-side window as they pass you by.  Remember that YOU are a daughter (or son) of the KING of KINGS and that He sees you and loves YOU... ADORES you.  You are HIS.... and there is absolutely nothing better than belonging to HIM.  I love you all.  Be blessed... love yourself.... and extend that love to others.  Good night. <3

~Em

Drop It and Walk Away

    I had maybe an hour of sleep last night.  There are so many things tugging at my heart... at my mind... at my conscience.  I just can't shut down long enough to be blessed with a few hours of rest from this exhausting world and all it throws at me.

    It's no secret that I've been in a major funk lately.  The past few weeks, especially, have been quite rough.  I'm nowhere near being depressed... I've just been.... stuck.  I've been feeling like a failure, and have been mentally punishing myself for all of my shortcomings.  I've been allowing anxiety to take over at night again.  I've been taking little strolls with self-doubt and pity.  As much as it pains me to admit all of this, it is true... but I must admit it to myself, most importantly, if I want to move forward, and away from this unhealthy frame of mind.

    I completely dropped the ball in my walking challenge.  I don't even want to think about the amount of miles I need to make up to get back on track.  Yes, as freeing as it was to throw away my scale... I realized I threw much more than that weeks prior to my act of rebellion.  Not only was I flipping the bird to society with my little scale removal... I was taking it too far by not bothering to keep up with the whole point of my walking challenge... energy... health... vitality.  So I am picking up where I left off, and am praying I don't come across any more ruts...at least not weeks-long ruts like this doozy of a mistake.

   I'm struggling with balance... family, my quest to find the healthiest version of myself, my home-based business, time spent with God, and what are friends, even????  I need to learn how to juggle, and fast, because if I keep dropping the ball, eventually one or a few might just roll right away.

    When I fail myself, I feel like I'm failing everyone around me.  I judge myself so hardcore... and I find myself believing that everyone is seeing me through my rusty, distorted lenses.  Perhaps some people do see me that way... but that's none of my business.  I shouldn't worry about what others think... especially those whose opinions hold little value in my life.  The real kicker is that I feel I'm often failing Jesus.  I know He forgives me... I know He loves me, despite my many, many shortcomings... but I SO desire to please Him, and I just can't seem to get it right.  I know I'll never be perfect, but dang it, sometimes I wanna be. ;)

    All of this ho-hum, down in the dumps talk did have a purpose... I got it off my chest... I released it... and I made myself vulnerable and relatable to those who may need to see that when they feel like complete failures, they aren't alone.  We all go through it.  Some more often than others, but we all have degrees of setbacks and brokenness, just the same.

    The most important step... above acknowledging the problem... talking about it... crying through it... relating over it... the most important step is dropping it at Jesus' feet and walking away from it.  Or you could run.... whatever gives you distance from your struggle.  Whatever sets you free.  Just leave it with Him, let Him handle it, and find the peace and joy in your new-found freedom.

    I think I'll try to get a couple more hours of sleep now that I've ditched that excess baggage.  Good night. <3

~Em

   

Midnight Prayers

    As I was cleaning out my junk drawer yesterday, I came across a little book that somehow got tossed in there without a second thought.  So I decided to read it.  It is a book about praying for your children.

    I started reading it last night, but tonight I really dug in.  This book has bridged the obviously present gap between the Lord and I.  Yes, I admit, I haven't been seeking Him the way I should lately.  So as I'm reading this book, I'm having many little revelations and confirmations coming at me.  It was all good and well... I knew there were changes I needed to make, prayers I needed to pray, work I needed to do.

    Then, the second I read a particular verse on a particular page, my world was opened up tremendously, and I saw things so clearly.  I'm not sure how many times I've read this verse throughout my life... and I'm sure I've never read it in the translation that was presented... but this verse... this verse was fresh and new and mind-blowing to me tonight.

Rise during the night and cry out.  

Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord.

Lift up your hands to Him in prayer,

pleading for your children... 

LAMENTATIONS 2:19 NLT

    Sometimes, we can skim over a verse and feel as if we got nothing out of it.  Sometimes, we receive new revelations each time we read a verse... depending on what the Lord has for us in that season of our lives.  That is the beauty of believing in a LIVING GOD and reading a LIVING WORD.  

    As I read this verse tonight, it all came crashing over me like a soul-cleansing wave.  I used to suffer from panic attacks in the night.  Really scary, out of the blue panic attacks.  I've had a handful the past year or so, but nothing like they used to be.  In those moments, the ONLY thing that could bring me down... back to reality... and peace... was prayer.  

    I would start by asking God to rescue me from my situation...and as I felt myself calm down, my mind would turn to others I could pray over... my husband, my children, my friends and relatives and random people who came to the surface as I spoke.  

    Now, I'm not saying God sent me into a panic, but I am saying that He took what was a scary and painful situation, and He turned it into something beautiful, purifying, and peace-filled.  He turned my thoughts away from my anxiety and toward intercession on behalf of those who may have needed that very prayer in that very moment.  

    I often hear from Him the most in the middle of the night... when all is calm and quiet. That is when my mind is free from distraction and ready to listen.  So to read this verse tonight, it all came full circle, and completely confirmed that my late night prayers don't need to stem from panic or fear... my late night prayers can happen nightly, and calmly... or fervently depending on the situation.  My prayers can begin because I choose to pray, and not because I'm finding a way to escape a confusing and somewhat terrifying mind game.  

  I've been somewhat closed off, whether by accident or deep down intention, to my intimate relationship with Jesus, and I am so glad that He could reach out to me through this book... through this seemingly random occurrence... so that I can find complete peace in Him once more.  

    Sometimes, we fleshly humans mess up and cause what should be such a rewarding and fulfilling relationship to become complicated and messy.  Let me tell you, it is no fault of our Creator.  He is perfect and steadfast and so in love with us that it completely boggles my mind in the best sort of way.  He has forgiven me for my lack of communication... for my mistakes along the way, and I am forever grateful that He will do it time and time again. 

    I pray that my testimony can bring you peace, revelation, and hope in your own life.  Whether or not you're a parent, whether you're new in your walk with the Lord, or have been holding His hand your entire life... I pray that He speaks to you however you need Him to through my words.  I pray that He allows you to grab from this small story, a piece of confirmation... even if it has very little to do with my situation.  I pray that you open your heart to hear His voice, and that you allow Him to cover you in His goodness and grace.  

Be blessed tonight, and rest in Him.

~Em

  

Real Talk

I haven't felt like writing in a while. Truthfully, it's been a challenge to juggle all the responsibilities that are on my plate right now, and blogging was one of the last things I wanted to do.  It's hard to want to encourage others when you yourself feel like you don't have it all together. So I apologize for that, because I really do believe that when you are having a rough go of it, or even if things are good, but life is busy, it's so important to keep up with the connections and find strength in your friendships.

I tend to close myself off to pretty much everyone when I'm down and out.  I guess calling what I'm dealing with "down and out" is too harsh.  I'm happy.... just overwhelmed with life, if that makes sense.  I guess I just need to sit down and rate my priorities, set some boundaries, and see what changes need to be made to get me to a place where I am no longer overwhelmed, but overjoyed with my schedule and the activities set in place for my family (and myself).

I'm not here to complain, just to be real, because I know that there isn't a whole lot of real these days.  Not the real that can be encouraging anyway.  So I aim to encourage not only the people who read this post, but myself as well.  We always get through these times.  We always find the balance once more.  The balance will become topsy turvy again, and then we will do what we need to to set it straight for the umpteenth time.  It's just a part of life.

There are so many exciting things happening for our kids, especially.  We've been enjoying homeschool co-op.  I have no idea how we pushed through without such a connection the past couple years, but we are absolutely loving this great group of homeschoolers and all the fun we have with them every other week.  The kids just tried Awana for the first time the other night.  The girls LOVED it and the boys need to warm up to the idea a bit more.  I think they had much more fun than they let on.  They were just being tough and manly about their enthusiasm. ;)

We've got all the holidays coming up, as you know, so there is so much fun in store.  Wesson has a birthday....which could be the very reason I'm in a funk lately.  I don't want my baby to graduate to the next chapter in life... not yet anyway. haha

We're looking to move soon.  Hopefully by spring.  If we don't move before the dead of winter, then we'll stay put until moving makes sense again.  This is another thing that is weighing heavy on me.  I feel so unsettled.  I've always felt that way to a degree.  I'm not sure what it feels like to be at complete peace with where we live and to truly feel "at home" in any given house.  I hope that I can experience that feeling when we finally find our next home.  We definitely know what we do and don't want at this point in our lives.  We've moved a LOT and we've lived in many types of homes on many types of properties.  Where we are now is most definitely NOT where we want to settle.  Not that I have license to complain.  I have a pretty kitchen, my own bathroom, and the fact that we have a roof over our heads means we're crazy blessed.  So my first world problems should probably shut their yap.

I think that maybe my problem is that I'm struggling to dream, and dreaming is just a huge part of who I am and what I do.  It's how I've always been.  I've always been a dreamer and a planner.  I need to find that bit of hope... hope that the dreams Jeff and I have for our family are just around the corner.  I really don't have big dreams, but they have been just out of reach for so long, that I'm struggling to believe we'll grab hold of them at all.  How depressing am I being right now, really? lol

Anyway, I know that most people have felt this way at one point or another, and I know that challenges will come up time and time again. We just need to remember to adjust our focus.  We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, and let Him lead us through the rough waters.  We need to TRUST that everything will work out for the good, because God wants good for us.

So many things are coming against me and my mission to keep that dreaded depression monster at bay.  I know a lot of people would say to get over it or to do such and such to snap out of it, but I'm sorry to say, that's just not how it works for those of us who truly struggle with this regularly.  I went for so long without these feelings trying to creep back in, but this is a fight I'm in the midst of... right now... at this very moment.

The darkness hasn't taken over.  I'm on the edge, but I'm fighting a good fight.  I'm pouring all of my energy into the positive things in my life ~ my husband, my kids, my love for my YL business, the new friendships I'm absolutely geeked over, the positive changes that have been improving my family's life bit by bit.  I'm doing my best to shake the monster off my back and jump back into life all happy-go-lucky and bubbly-like.

I think a lot of this is postpartum nonsense.  Seriously, guys.... postpartum recovery in my thirties is a sloooooow process compared to the last four babes I had.  The fatigue (maybe having to do with the fact that my baby still wakes around the clock), the brain fog, the sloth-paced movements my body makes.... it all adds up and I am struggling not to get down on myself for not bouncing back right away.

I don't seek out sympathy, or advice.  I've been here before.  :)  I just want to be honest and real and raw and show you that even those of us who thrive when encouraging our friends... those of us who live to brighten someone's day.... even we have our rough seasons.  Even we find the need to step back and just "be" for a while.  I rarely find myself in a position where I feel like I'm 100% on top of life.  Okay... I never do.... and I rarely come close.  It's just what it is.  Life isn't easy, and we all have our burdens to carry and our battles to fight.  This is just a little glimpse into mine.

So now that you see I haven't conquered life on earth and destroyed the imperfections, I want to come back around to that ray of sunshine I strive to be for you.  I know that things will get better.  I've lived through this sort of thing time and time again.  I know that I will not allow the darkness to swallow me up like I did a few years ago.  I know that I am much stronger today than I was back then.  AND, most importantly, I know that if you have connected with anything I've shared tonight, YOU TOO can beat this!  You too CAN pull through.

I am praying for my friends who are going through similar situations.  My heart is aching for those who have it worse.  I am lifting you all up and handing you all over to the ONE and ONLY ONE who can wash away your pain, your stress, your sorrow... He is going to carry you through.  I promise.

Love to you all, and thank you to those of you who have always been supportive of me... in my good times and bad.  You mean the world to me.  You know exactly who you are!  <3

Lots of love,
Em

Starting Our Day the Right Way

Who are YOU?

    This is for the moms who lead lives that are less than perfect.... and who aren't afraid to admit it, because really, those who have got it "all together" wouldn't be looking for encouragement or advice anyway, right? ;)

    We often only see the good... the seemingly perfect parts of others' lives on social media.  We see the perfectly groomed children in their carefully selected outfits.  We see the moms, with their perfectly styled hair, their fresh manicures, with their makeup ~ done to a degree worthy of a red carpet walk.

    We read posts of the accomplishments, the highs, the envy-provoking aspects of others' lives.

    What we often don't see are the temper tantrums, the frizzy haired mom with black bags under her eyes, the messy kitchens and the spit-up stains.  We don't see the tears rolling down the cheek of the parent who has been stretched to their limit for the hundredth time that week (or even that day).  We don't see the heartache that comes from various circumstances in their lives.  We don't see the fears other parents experience from raising their children in a dark and scary world.

    I am blessed to know so many real parents, who aren't afraid to keep it real.  I'm so happy to see that I'm not alone in my imperfect world.   That is why I make it my mission to post not only the good moments... not only the photos of myself at that perfect angle, wearing the perfect outfit, sporting the perfect amount of mascara... I'm no longer afraid of posting the real... the messy.... the embarrassing moments.

    That's not to say I won't reserve some of the hairy ordeals for my immediate family, but really, why are we always trying to hide?  What is the motivation behind only posting what we view as perfection?  Are we secretly trying to make others jealous?  Are we trying to appear as though we've got all our stuff together, for fear of being judged?

    I challenge you to let go of your fears, and to especially let go of that deep down, secret need to one-up your friends and acquaintances.... I challenge you to be real.  Be raw.  Be vulnerable.  People can connect with you much easier when you are open and less-than-perfect.  People can respect real... people can't respect someone who is fake as all get out! {Let me just tell you now... people can sniff out a sham a mile away.  We aren't fooling anyone.}

    So be real.  Bear your heart if you want to.  Ask for help if you need it.  Share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Reserve what you wish, but don't close your true self off to the world in order to create an image that is clearly not you.

    I love Jesus... a LOT.  I mess up... a LOT.  I've had so many fears of talking too much about Him and being judged for not living up to whomever's standards of the "Christian" lifestyle.  I've had so many fears of admitting I just don't have it all together, and that I sin in one way or another DAILY.... for fear of being called a hypocrite.  SO.... let's just get this out of the way.... YES.  I CAN be a hypocrite.  YES... I can walk a path that doesn't align with the next Christian's path.  NO... I am in no way the ultimate Christian example... but I sure as heck am going to keep working on my walk with the Lord... and I'm going to keep aiming to please HIM (not you, or a pastor, or anyone else).  It doesn't matter how often I mess up... Jesus is right there to pick me back up and brush away the dirt.
   
    When you are real, you will face judgment from others.  But I have news for you.... when you put up a front... you're still facing judgment.  Who would you rather be?  What would you rather be judged for?  Wouldn't you rather be you and ignore the haters, or are you going to continue walking through life, trying to keep everyone happy... trying to impress every person who looks your way.... needing to show the world a you that isn't really "you".... do you REALLY want to put all your efforts into such a strenuous task?  I sure don't.

    I encourage you to seek out those who are genuine, unique, the REAL DEAL, and befriend them.  Find out how they tick... grasp on to the encouragement they offer, and learn from them.  Don't become like them, unless they are much like who you are, but glean from that wisdom they extend and learn to become comfortable in your own skin.

    I can tell you, that I sleep better, I feel better, I am at peace when I am ME.  The ME that GOD created me to be.  So I encourage you to dig deep and cultivate the person you were meant to be.  Allow your true self to blossom forth and gift the world with a true and unique individual.  We will all benefit more from knowing TRUE, real, AMAZING people, rather than replicas and robots.

    The choice is yours... who are YOU going to be?

Derp! Duh! *Facepalm*

    You know those "DING! light bulb!" moments?  The ones where it ALL becomes so clear that you most definitely need to make a change in one or more areas of your life?  Well, I had one of those moments last night... a really big one.  Won't you take a little stroll with me as I share my mind happenings with you?

*Okay, I realize reading and strolling might not be a good idea... grab a coffee and a seat instead.  Or water. Or tea. Or juice.  I'm not picky.  Actually, I am at this hour ... but hey, drink whatever you want.  I'm having coffee. ;)

    So I try to be encouraging to others.... positive for them as they tackle the hard things in life.  I realized just how opposite I tend to be when it comes to my thoughts and outlook on my own life.  What a hypocrite, eh? lol  I kid, sort of.  Anyway.... I need to make a huge change in my thoughts and my attitude.  For the sake of my husband's nerves, for the sake of my children's developing brains, and for the sake of my sanity.

    You know those sayings, "don't sweat the small stuff" and "no use crying over spilled milk"?  Yeah.  I've totally been rebelling against that advice for who-knows-how-long.  It's quite ridiculous, actually.  I know I'm full of hormones, what with nursing a baby and being in my 30's (seriously... it takes so much longer to rid yourself of pregnancy brain when you're in your 30's vs. your 20's.  I know this because I've had babies in both  ?!decades?!  and I bounced back much faster with my first four kids... minus some hiccups along the way after Ella was born).  But hormones are not excuse enough for one's outlook on life and attitude toward pretty much everything known to man.

    To give you an example of what my strong, committed husband goes through, let me talk about my night time Facebook newsfeed adventures.  I scroll along merrily, come across some political or parental rights or other similar controversial post/article/rant, and I have to share every thought and feeling that comes to mind, with Jeff, who worked all day in the hot sun and just wants to watch tv and drink a cold one in peace and quiet for a few stinkin' minutes.  But Nooooooo.  That won't do.  I am full of womanly rage at all these happenings that go against every fiber of my being.  He needs to hear me out, and he must not desire for me to simmer down, because loud noises might just escape my mouth.... louder noises than the disgust that is already spewing all over the ears of the poor, innocent man who chose to spend the rest of his life with me.

    Aren't you super glad you don't live here?  You are blessed, I tell ya.  Blessed by the Good Lord above.  

    Another outstanding example for ya.... I am a disorganized perfectionist.  It is a hard burden to carry, but I suppose someone has to do it.  Now, what this means is that I need everything to be neat and orderly to function.... but when I can't function properly, things become... not-so-tidy ..... so my mind explodes!  Top that off with four mobile children who are sweet, but messy little boogers and one child who has got to be eating every last bit of my energy every 2-3 hours, and you have a recipe for disaster.

     Now, here's an example of such an instance...

Me: I think I shall relax now.  Nurse my sweet little Wesson, scroll through Facebook on my phone (RED FLAG>>>see above), maybe watch a little Storage Wars on Netflix... enjoy these few moments of rest while I can.  *looks around* (BAD IDEA!)

House: "Muwahahahahaha!" (you get that this is an evil laugh, right?)  
"See the filth with your eyes, tired mother.  See these toys over here.... they're ready for your sensitive feet to step on.  See those nasty, food-caked dishes just staring you down in the sink over there?  They want to EAT YOUR SOUL.  Look at all those tiny papers cut into nice little pieces of confetti... scattered throughout the house just enough to make your skin crawl.  Sink further into the couch now.... those worn out springs are going to swallow you whole.  You will never escape!  Your bedroom you've been meaning to organize?  Those clothes you meant to put away last week?  Not going ANYWHERE.  They are taunting you..... they enjoy poking at your last nerve.... knowing that you've got more important things to do like feed the baby and teach those children.  I'm going to steal every last bit of joy from you.  You will never win!!! Muwahahahahahahahaha! Haha! Ha! HA!"

Me: Where are the matches?  I want to burn it all and start over! (obviously I don't want to burn my husband or my precious children.  I love them.  LOVE LOVE LOVE my babes.  But all of our belongings?  Sure! Torch 'em!)  Okay, don't torch the stuff.  We'll donate it, for crying out loud.

    So much negativity bombarding my brain throughout the day... all day, every day.  I may relax physically while sitting down to nurse my little love, or when I go to sleep at night, but my mind never seems to settle.

    Well, I've had enough.  I'm sick of the negativity.  I'm sick of sweating the small stuff.  I'm sick of the messes, but I am determined to put a positive spin on everything I possibly can, so that I can be that joyful, cheerful, bubbly person I used to be.... I want to be my true self.... not the 'self' that the burdens of this world have enabled me to become.

    Do you ever struggle with any of this, my sweet mama friends?  The good news is that you're not alone in this.  The FANTASTIC news is that we're not going to enable each other anymore, kapish?  Let's lift each other up in these times of stress, weariness, and chaos.  Let's help each other see the light... the positive in everything, so that living life is a bit easier.  We want to breathe, and smile... genuine, beaming, beautiful smiles, don't we?  :)

    So let's take our negativity to God.  Hand it over in exchange for that positive outlook we so desperately need.  Embrace the new, sunshiney 'tude and kick that Debbie Downer Dumpy Doo Doo crapitude to the curb.  If you're feeling overwhelmed with life... turn to those friends you know who will bring some sparkle to your eyes and who will encourage you to think happy thoughts.  Avoid those friends who will bring you down.  Sorry gals, I love ya... so stinkin' much, but this mama has GOT to get her stuff together... and the "wah wah wahs" and "boo hoo hoos" have got to GO!

    I want to hear from YOU!  What do you do to combat negative thoughts?  How do you maintain a positive outlook on life?  Do you turn to the Lord in ALL things?  Prayer and reading of the Word?  Do you have that one friend who will always bring a smile to your face?  Is there an encouraging blog you like to read to ground your feet and lift your spirits?  I want to hear about it all!  I'm all about the JOY and HAPPINESS tips you bring to the table.  Let's encourage each other and get ourselves out of the dumps.


    Have a POSITIVELY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY AMAZING SUPER FANTABULOUS day, friends! (How's that for some positivity? See... I'm moving in the right direction!)

~Em

 *Little side note edit: As I was typing out my thoughts, I remembered quite a few times where this revelation smacked me upside the head.  Isn't it funny how we often learn the same lessons over and over and over again?  Jesus has His work cut out for Him.... yet He loves us so much that He is willing to put His wisdom on repeat.... so we can find that true joy in Him.  LOVE the things the Lord speaks to me!  

Frizzy Hair and Lotsa Coffee

  I'm tired.  Tired to the point where I forget simple words and everything becomes "that thing" when I'm trying to communicate with my family.  My temper is in beast mode.  My patience has left the building.  My guilt is off the charts regularly throughout the day. I mean really... I have quite a few kids....a teenager and a baby included in the bunch.  Need I say more?

 Have you ever been there?  Bending to the point of breaking? I believe all mothers go through cycles of elation, frustration, exhaustion, excitement, hopelessness, hopeFULness, pure joy, failure, and the list goes on.  There is nothing wrong with feeling out of sorts.  We are human.  The beauty in those times of imperfection is that we have an incredible Father who takes over.... He carries us through those times of trouble, heartache, and sleeplessness.  He gifted us with our beautiful, sometimes incredibly trying children, and He wants us to succeed, even when He needs to step in and take over for a while.

  I've had to chant "this too shall pass" so many times lately, that I think I've actually worn the phrase out.  I've had to ask forgiveness of my kids numerous times.  I'm honestly wondering if something is a bit off with my husband... because he's standing strong by his frizzy haired, sailor cursing, caffeine addicted, black-bag-eyed, sleep deprived, slumpy dumpy wife through all of my trials.  He's either a saint on a mission from God, or I've broken him as well. Either way, I'm glad he's taking our wedding vows seriously.  ;)

  I don't say this to talk down to myself or to complain about where I'm at in life.  I am grateful for my life, and the people in it... even if I'm in a time of trial and the need for growth.  I say all of this to show you that we all go through it.  There is not one perfect mama.... not one perfect family out there.... even though we are in a world that often likes to mask the imperfections and show our happy, charming sides to the people who see us.

  This seems to be a recurring theme in my life... and this blog.  But you know?  I often need the reminder... and maybe you do too.  We need to embrace those moments of peace and calm.  Kiss on our babies' cheeks.  Snuggle for five more minutes.  Ignore that ugly pile of dishes and take a cat nap on the couch while the kiddos watch that episode of Jessie for the umpteenth time.  We need to do what it takes to survive during those cycles of not so happy times and then truly grab hold of our times of happiness, ease, and utter divineness.  Is that even a word?  Well, it is now! ;)

  If you are as tired as I am... I raise my mug of strong kick-in-the pants coffee to you... and I send hugs and smiles your way.  You're doing a fabulous job, sweet mama.  Your kids love you no matter what cycle you're going through right now.... even if you've become pals with good ol' raging hormonal Aunt Flo.... forgive yourself for being less than perfect and drink that coffee, watch that episode of Friends to get a good laugh in, or read that heartwarming book for a nice little cry... and remember that goodness and mercy are well on their way.  All of this is worth it in the end, don't you agree?

  I have five little souls and one hot bearded hubby who remind me every day that this is the best gosh darn life ever.  Trials and all.  And you know what?  I wouldn't trade these sleepless nights or sticky, loud, chaotic days for the world.

  Gotta go.... my next cuppa coffee is calling me.

xoxo
~Em

Don't Give Up ~ PRAY

    As I sat on my couch this morning, scrolling through Facebook on my phone, I became discouraged by the many posts that reminded me of the direction in which our country is headed.  We're losing our freedoms, bit by bit.  Riots happen left and right.  Political arguments become so heated that friendships can't survive the pressure.  We are a nation divided over every.little.thing and it absolutely breaks my heart.

    I wanted to give up on this country.  I have for a while.  I was losing all hope that things would ever change for the better.  As I sat there, scrolling, sulking, and sipping on my coffee, the wind picked up a bit outside my window, and my neighbor's flag started waving at me, as if to say, "Don't give up.  PRAY."

    You see, it is easy to head for the hills when things go wrong, especially when it comes to wanting to protect your family from threats that could pop that safe, happy bubble that surrounds them.  I wanted to run... I know that much.  The problem is, when you run.... you are motivated by fear.  The Bible tells us not to fear.  The Bible tells us to cast all our cares upon Jesus.  He is so powerful, so mighty, and loves all of us so much.

    While I will continue to fight for my freedoms, and stand up for what I believe in, I need to remember to pray like crazy for our country.  A country that has incredible potential.  A country that blesses us more than we understand, even in the midst of division, corrupt power, and battles of all kinds.  We must love the land we live in, through thick and thin.  We must pray for our people, our government (no matter how hard that may be for some of us, *cough cough*), and especially the generation who will take over after us.

    I will not operate out of fear.  I will defend my family and our rights.  I will stand up against the things that threaten our freedoms, but I will not run.  I will pray.  I will pray without ceasing, because I owe that to the country I call "home."

    Political unrest, mommy wars, disease, earthquakes, riots, lions, tigers, and bears have NOTHING over the power of the ONE who holds us in His hands.  He wants good for us.  Bring your fears and concerns to His feet.  Set them down, look into His eyes, cling to that comfort only He can provide, and find that peace that He so lovingly put into my heart today.  While the world erupts in chaos all around us, there is a calm when we put our trust in Jesus.

~Em

This Too Shall Pass

    The past couple days have been.... hard.  We all have those days, right?  Days that seem to throw everything at you and take nothing in return.  Days that aim to kill your spirit and leave you to clean up the mess.

    I've got hard choices to make, and I'm realizing that these difficult days will probably continue until I come to a decision.  It has been affecting my mood, which in turn has put quite the damper on my whole family.  The kids are behaving in a less than stellar way, our daily groove has faltered, and things just seem to stink in general.

    I decided to take a break from "the world," so to speak.  I'm taking today to just be with my family, do as little work as possible without letting things pile up, pray my little heart out, and journal the crap outta my feelings.

    I chose to hop on this incredible blog put out by the equally incredible leaders of my team this morning.  I don't hop on there every day, but today it was just meant to be.  I came across a post about staying motivated.  I haven't felt a lack of motivation when it comes to my business, but I have definitely felt a lack in other areas of my life, so I checked it out.  It was a great article.  Very motivating. ;)  I felt inspired.  I felt prompted to jump on the things I'd been neglecting.  I wanted to seize the day.  It was a great blog post.

    Then I came to the end.  I saw those four little words we all often see ~ "this too shall pass."  Today, those words meant a little more to me than they normally do.  Today, those words gave me hope and peace.  Sometimes those cliché sayings can really hit home, no matter how often you've heard them.

    This choice I must make will be made.  This burden I feel will be lifted.  These stressful days will fade away.  This too shall pass.

    If you're like me, and you find yourself facing rough waters, find comfort in those words.  Find comfort in these as well ~

"...Weeping may endure for a night,

                                     But joy comes in the morning."

(Psalm 30:5b)

    

    As I work through the things that weigh me down today, I'll be keeping you in my prayers as well.  The beauty of walking through this life full of good and hard days is that we don't have to walk alone.  Reach out to someone for comfort and guidance when you don't know what to do.  Turn to God and see what he says about your situation in His Word.  Use the abundant resources He has placed in your life to help you walk through your trials with your head held high and your spirit in tact.  Love to you all! 

~ Em

    

Ugly Green Monster

    Of all the posts I've written, this one takes the cake when it comes to the embarrassment factor.  It took a lot to admit that I dealt with depression, or that I've struggled in other various ways, but I had a huge driving force in posting those confessions: I wanted to encourage others who were struggling.  This post, while absolutely written as encouragement, just feels a bit different.  There's much more embarrassment and shame with this issue, but I believe it is an important thing to discuss.

    JEALOUSY

    I've struggled with that ugly green monster for most of my life, and at first didn't realize it.  Once I realized it, I wouldn't admit it.  But I'm done ignoring that "monster" in the room.  

    Jealousy holds us back.  It causes us to become irrational, fearful, and downright crazy. We sit in our dark little corners, hating ourselves because we can't be like someone we've put up on a pedestal.  

    Jealousy also drives us to do things out of desperation.  Things that might hurt ourselves or others along the way.  We frantically try to achieve our dreams without consulting the Author of our lives.  We try to do everything on our own, at high speed, only to crash and burn.

    I realized that my jealousy was out of control.  I became so down on myself for not being that skinny, put together mom.  I beat myself up because outside of motherhood and marriage, I didn't have any real achievements under my belt.  I would look all around me at all the accomplishments and beauty in the people I knew, and I would feel so stinking sorry for myself.

    Jealousy makes you forget.  You forget how good you actually have it.  You forget to look inward.  You forget to see your many blessings.  All you see is green.... and you see all that you don't have or haven't accomplished.  

   Yes, I would be happy for my friends when they reached new goals and dreams, dropped those 15 pounds, or got to go on fun vacations with their families.  I was happy for them, but sad for me, because, woe is me, I had to stay home and save for a weekend road trip, I hadn't reached one goal or another, or I was still stuck in that dreaded pudgy body.  Looking back, I believe jealousy was a big factor in my struggle with depression.  

    I recently saw just how jealous I was in general and I was horrified by it.  I decided I needed to do something about it.  I needed to force myself to stop the vicious cycle of kicking myself and curling up into a tiny little ball every time I saw someone achieve my dreams or dye their hair that perfect shade of plumb I just couldn't nail down.  It's horribly silly and sad.  It's incredibly embarrassing to admit, for sure! 

    Once I saw how juvenile I was behaving, and once I decided to stop looking at what everyone else had and start truly appreciating all of my many blessings, my life began to move forward.  Things began looking up.  I was able to focus and reach for my goals rather than to dwell in the fact that I hadn't grabbed hold of them yet.  

    I hate jealousy.  It tries to surface multiple times a day.  I need to put my steel-toed boots on every morning when I wake up and kick that beast back down to size.  I believe that as long as I'm living in this world, jealousy is going to be a constant struggle for me, but now I know that I can beat it over and over again.  I don't have to give in.  I don't have to let the happiness of others intimidate me or make me feel less than just because I'm not in the same place as them at the time.  

    I'll reach my dreams.  I have faith that God will help me get there.  I want my dreams to be whatever God's will is for me.  When I focus on God's will for my life, jealousy has no hold.  I can't be jealous of someone who is living out the life that is meant for them.  In the same way, I wish that no one find themselves face to face with the ugly green monster when they see the way my life unfolds.  

    Prayer.  Lots and lots of prayer have helped me to see the light and only God can continue to help me jump the hurdles in life that may cause my heart to become green with envy.  

    If you struggle with jealousy, you are not alone.  Don't hide in the shadows and deal with it by yourself.  Reach out to someone and ask them to pray with you or talk you through your issues.  Call out to Jesus and ask Him to carry you.  Do whatever it takes to get up out of that pit so that you can move on with your life and accomplish your dreams.  Jealousy should not be the driving force, nor the stumbling block for anyone. 

    It is now my absolute joy to see others live out their dreams and receive many blessings.  I love seeing others smile and enjoy life.  I am finally able to smile and really enjoy life myself. I pray that if you are struggling with jealousy, you too, will see the light.  I pray that you will be able to enjoy life to the fullest, without that ugly green monster clinging to your back.  I pray you allow God to fill you with joy, hope, and peace as you live out the rest of your days here on Earth. 

Be blessed!

~Em

Am I Enough?

    It's been eight weeks since I gave birth to my youngest bundle of joy.  I'm feeling more like myself these days and less like the walking zombie I had begun to despise and embrace all at once.  With the ever increasing clarity comes some of those stresses I could so easily push to the back of my mind while in my postpartum fog.  So it's time to tackle those stress-inducing thoughts and kick my parenting back into high gear.

    Most of those anxious thoughts we parents get come at night, while we're trying to fall asleep.  The house is quiet, the tv is off, the glow of the phone has been extinguished for the night.  All that's left between you and sweet sleep is that brain that just has to keep going and going and going....

    Being a parent is hard on our hearts.  The world keeps plunging into darker and darker territory, mommy wars are viciously attacking us from all angles, we're constantly feeling those punches of reality when our kids show just how free their wills are.  It's enough to bring even the strongest person to their knees.

    How do we protect our children from the evils of this world?  How do we prove that every little decision we make has been prayed over, researched, snot-face ugly cried through, so that we know we have done our absolute best to keep our children healthy, happy, and whole?  Why do we have to experience the wrath that is our children's desire to exhibit their own free will?  Are we good enough to parent our kids?

    I have to remind myself on an hourly basis to do my best and once I've done my part, to hand all of it... all of everything over to God.  Being the mama bear that I am, I have to admit, that is so hard to do.  So hard.  I have this need to control everything in my life.... and that includes everything that happens in my kids' lives, so to hand it over and to forget about it is a challenge.  This is where faith steps in.  Do I have faith in the God who created the universe?  Do I have faith in the One who chose to die not only for me, but for my husband, and each and every one of my children?  There is no one who loves my kids more than Jesus.  Not even me (although, I have to come in at a very close second). ;)

    So when I'm lying in bed, kicking myself over not spending an extra twenty minutes on math that day, or forgetting to get that last kiss and hug in at bedtime, I need to remember that my children are in God's hands.  I will always do my darnedest to raise my children the best that I can, but I know that no matter how many times I mess up, no matter how many ways I fall, God will be right there to catch us and direct us down the path He has laid out for us.

    If you struggle with those same thoughts, know that you aren't alone.  We all wonder if we are enough for our children.  We all wonder if we are the right parents for our kids.  You know what the answer is?  YES!  Yes, we are enough because God is right there with us.  YES, we are the right parent for our children, because God saw fit to gift them to us while we're here on this sometimes scary, but always beautiful world He created.

    When those voices attack you, whether it be from your own mind, or from the mouths of others, shut them out.  Unless you are hearing from the voice of God on your worth as a parent, you need not listen.

    Hug on your children.  Give yourself a pat on the back.  Stand up, brush the negativity off your shoulders, and relax, knowing that you've got this, with the help of an incredible God!

YOU.ARE.ENOUGH.

Just Around the Corner

    My whole adult life has been a huge testing of my faith, and I know many can relate.  My hubby and I have had so many opportunities, visions of hope, and chances for breakthrough dangled in front of us only to lose them at the last second.  It can be quite disheartening.  It can be exhausting.  It can even bring one to their breaking point.

    I began to feel "not good enough" for even some of the normal things in life that people often take for granted.  I began to feel as if I was being punished for some horrible sin or that I just wasn't meant to have what I viewed as a "normal" life.  I felt as if struggle... in many areas.... was the card I was dealt and there was nothing I could do about it.  Of course, the fighter in me chose to cling to that last bit of hope that God would truly bring us through our many situations that brought us worry and pain.
    If you've been following my blog, you know I went through a good bout of depression not too long ago.  I tear up just thinking of that time.  The hopelessness, the agony, the guilt, the darkness.  I didn't think I'd ever see a truly happy day again.  I saw tiny glimpses of hope, only to fall back into that darkness once again.  Happiness was always just out of reach.  But I have a God who knew better.  I have a God who saw exactly when enough was enough and He rescued me from that pit of despair.  I am around the corner now.  I am happy and loving life... truly loving life.

    That darkness sometimes tries to pry its way in to my soul to this day, but I have been set free, so all I have to do is stomp on that horror and continue on my merry way.  I've had a few bad moments here and there, but I cling so tightly to the knowledge that it doesn't have to be that way.  I remember that feeling of gasping for my first breath of fresh air as the Lord pulled me from those black waters.  That, and my family are the driving force that keep me from falling all the way back down to where I used to be.  I am so thankful!

    For years, I felt insecure in my marriage.  Not because of what Jeff did, but because of my actions, my words, my imperfections.  While I realize that he isn't perfect either, I also am very aware that I was the cause of so many of the problems that surfaced over the years.  I'd cry out to God, asking Him to change me, asking Him to strengthen our marriage to the point that I had no insecurities about our future, or lack thereof.  There were so many times where I thought I did it.  I broke him.  He'll never stay with me now.  And I would die a little inside.

    I wanted that strong marriage I envisioned as a girl.  The one my parents lived out.  I didn't realize how much work it took to have that, or that it takes time, history, lessons, persistence to get to that point.  A strong marriage was always just out of reach for us.  Am I ever glad Jeff and I battled on, together, despite our disagreements and times of trouble, because we've rounded that corner.  I feel safe and secure in my marriage now.  While our relationship is far from perfect, it is solid, and what an amazing feeling that is!  I am so honored to be Jeff's wife.  I am so humbled that he would choose to walk through this life with me, flaws and all.  I am so proud that he is the father of my children.  I am so thankful that God has been holding us in His hands this entire time.

    Financial burden is a heavy load to carry.  We've had our ups and downs over the years, but we never really felt secure.  We've always made it through tough times, thanks to various people and situations that would arise.  We have never gone without.  That being said, living paycheck to paycheck is a bear!  There were very few times we had money left over at the end of the month.

    God has really worked in me, showing me how to become frugal, and actually enjoy a simple life... to the point that I don't really want to complicate it even when the funds are there.  At first, it was out of necessity.  I needed to humble myself and allow God to show me how to stretch our money in ways I never thought possible.  It has been one of the most exhausting, beneficial, blessed experiences and I wouldn't change it for the world.  We've finally rounded a corner financially.  We've finally come to the point that all that stretching won't be necessary (even though I'm hooked and will continue to stretch away to get the most bang for my buck).  It is an amazing feeling!

    What started as an attempt to naturally boost my family's health through essential oils has become a business that has blessed us financially, beyond my greatest expectations.  I wanted nothing to do with the business side of it all.  I'd been there, done that with makeup, jewelry, health shakes, and more... and each time it felt like more of a financial obligation than the paycheck would cover.  This was different.  This came so easily... so naturally.  I talked about how wonderful the oils were for us, and how much I adore them, and the business just came to me.  I get to help my friends and loved ones discover the gift of essential oils like I did, without pressuring anyone or pitching any sales.  I am part of a team who genuinely cares about me, and about everyone who takes that leap of faith. I have been blessed beyond the financial... I have been blessed with friendships and experiences I will forever cherish.  Jeff and I have finally rounded that corner we've been staring down our entire married lives.  I'm still trying to adjust to the lack of weight on my shoulders, but I'm sure I'll get used to it in no time. ;)

    I share these somewhat intimate stories with you to encourage you.  While the growing pains, sleepless nights, and endless tears seemed too much to bear at times, I now see that I was meant to walk through these tough times and carve out a new path for myself.  Without these experiences, I might lack true compassion for others going through similar situations.  Without these experiences, I might not appreciate the goodness that came from them.  Without these experiences, I might not give God all the glory He deserves.

    If you are struggling in any way today, don't lose hope!  Your "just around the corner" is much nearer than you think.  Sometimes it takes years of hardship to pull through.  Sometimes months, weeks, or even days.  What feels like an eternity will be but a blip once God opens up that roadblock and you turn that corner to bigger and better things.  Remember when you get there to never forget where you've been.  When you get there, remember who brought you out of your despair.  When you get there, be that strong shoulder and understanding friend to those who are right where you used to be.

    We all go through some really cruddy stuff in life.  It is hard, it is rough, but when we look to God and keep our faith, it makes walking those winding, bumpy paths a bit more bearable.  I believe the struggles we go through are meant to sharpen our faith and give us a new appreciation for the GOOD God has for us.  I believe that it is our duty to be that voice of encouragement to those who are struggling, because we know exactly how they feel.

    I realize I'll have many more "corners" to turn, many more challenges as life goes on, but I've had enough (many many more than mentioned here) to finally grasp that pattern and realize goodness, redemption, and blessings are always just around the corner.  Hold to hope.  Don't let it go!  Soon enough, you will reach those blessings and breathe that sigh of great relief.  Oh, what an amazing day that will be!

Love and hugs,
~Em

   

In His Hands

    Lately life seems to be bombarding my hubby and I with stressful situations.  Being in my third trimester, with my ever increasing hormone-induced cry sessions probably doesn't help the matter.

    I'm sure anyone reading this can relate to the stresses of life.  They sure can bog you down, test your faith, and wreak havoc, if you let them.

    The Lord showed Himself many times throughout our struggles over the years.  Sometimes we completely miss it, but on days like today, He made sure I knew He has this.

    I've cried a lot lately.  I've spent more time than I care to admit worrying about important things... but really little things when you think of the size of our God.  I let the fear of the future, the fear of failure, the fear of the unknown sink its ugly claws into my spirit and while parts of me fought against this fear, much of me was ready to throw in the towel.

    Today, God showed me just how powerful He is.  He showed me just how much He loves me and that I need not worry about any of this.  I am His and He will provide for me, shelter me, nourish me, and love on me through it all.  He will make sure my needs are met, not because of anything I've done, but because I am HIS.

    This morning, I cried because of powerful words that spoke to me through a message from a friend.  Later, I let that fear take hold, and I had to fight back those dreaded tears of worry.  It was almost as if God's first attempt was wiped from my memory.  He wasn't having that, so He showed me again, tonight, through His provision, that He has this.  He's always had everything under control.  I just couldn't see it through those fears.  I couldn't see it through my worry-filled tears.  So when He showed Himself for a second time today... in a way that was slightly louder than the first, I wept tears of joy and relief.

    He has been here all along.  He will always be here.  How often I forget that I'm not alone.  How often I forget that Jeff and I are walking through this life under His wing.  How patient He is for picking us up, brushing us off, and helping us navigate the course time and time again.

    If you are anything like me... if you have forgotten just Who holds you in His hands, because of worry, fear, heartache, or times of trouble, please hear me when I say that God HAS you.  He's holding you right now.  He knows the plans He has for you... and His plans are for your good.  His joy is your joy.  His peace is your peace.

    I don't know how long our time is here on this earth, but I do know this... no matter how far the journey, no matter how many obstacles we face in this life, He is ALWAYS here.  He will never leave us.  He will never forsake us.  Yes, life can be so hard.  Horrible things can happen.  But our God makes beauty from ashes.  He makes all things new.  Rest in that tonight.

   Oh, the sweet sleep I'll enjoy, now that I've opened my eyes to the power of the One who loves me.  A lesson learned time and time again, but it is always as new and encouraging as ever.  I pray sweet sleep over you too, friend.  Open your heart to the Lord and allow Him to show you that everything will be okay, because He desires that for you.  Open your hands to His blessings, and remember what He does for you, so you can be of great value and encouragement to another who might need to hear of your victories.

~Em

How the Robin Williams Tragedy Hits Close to Home

    Sometimes the people who seem the happiest on the outside are absolutely tormented on the inside.  Robin Williams is just one example of a person such as this.  His death has impacted me more than I let on.  I actually wanted to avoid talking about it altogether, because it has stirred up a lot of emotions in me, and a lot of reminders of my not-to-distant past.

    For those of you who do not know me well, and for those who are new to my blog, I suffered from severe depression.  Depression that almost ruined my marriage.  Depression that wrapped its ugly fingers around my very core.  Depression that could have, and came very close to a similar end result as Mr. Williams' had it not been for my lifelong relationship with the Lord and those people who fought so hard for me.  Not many knew about my depression... and only a couple knew about my fleeting thoughts of suicide.  This issue is a very real, very scary, extremely embarrassing, often invisible fight.  It took a lot for me to write about it last year, and it still scares the snot out of me to write about it today, but now that I'm in a place where life is livable again, and I feel true joy and peace, I need to speak up.  I need others to know they are not alone and that they are not horrible people for going through this.  Here are two of my previous blogs on depression, if you'd like to read them: the first is my story and a bit on how to approach a loved one who is going through such a difficult mindset: A Glimmer of Hope.  The second is a sort of update/bit of encouragement, and a look into how I personally found my way out: There Is Hope.

    People often like to blame a person and the way they live their life for their depression.  While choices can absolutely affect the degree of one's depression, it is incredibly important that you NOT start pointing the finger and try to fix them when you have no clue what they are going through.  Many people experience depression at some point in their life.... depression can be brought on by life's circumstances.  BUT in this instance (I believe), and in my circumstance, it is a lifelong battle, whether the depression is felt at all times or not.  I will not have someone tell me I'm living my life the wrong way, so I had it coming.  My life is wonderful, my circumstances are pretty ideal.... I love Jesus with all my heart, I have a solid marriage, I put so much into my kids..... so to tell me that it is my fault... or to tell another that it is their fault that they suffer is infuriating to me.  Don't do it.  Each case of depression is different from the next.  The best thing we can do to help our loved ones is to be there for them, to pray for them, to bring as much joy into their lives as possible.  Leave the condemnation, the unsolicited advice, and the finger pointing at the door.  All of that can cause so much more damage than has already been done.  A depressed person feels enough guilt as it is; we don't need to add more kindling to the fire.

    If you are suffering from depression, know that I feel so deeply for you.  I understand what that feels like, even if I'm not in your exact situation.  I pray for you, my heart aches for you, and I am here for you, however you need me to be.  Knowing Jesus, finding support in loved ones, and doing your best to climb out of this is all wonderful... but please don't beat yourself up when you find that these relationships and efforts don't always envelop you in light and joy.  When you find those moments of peace, enjoy them to the fullest, and figure out what you've been doing and how you can continue to feel at ease.  This fight is an uphill battle, but you can get through this.  Remember that there are people who love and pray for you, even if you don't see them.  I say all this, not as advice, because what works for me may not work for you.... but I say this to encourage you, to show you that there are ways to enjoy life again; you just have to find them.  I have faith that you will!  I look forward to hearing your success story, and I encourage you to share with others who may be hurting, so they may be inspired to find the light at the end of their tunnels.

    One more thing.... and I stress this!  Suicide is NEVER the answer.  There is always hope, even when you can't see it.  Don't be too ashamed to reach out for help.  Find a loved one, a pastor, call a hotline.... do whatever you can to find value in your life.  You ARE valuable, you ARE worthy of living a life of happiness, you ARE an important part of society, and you WOULD ABSOLUTELY, WITHOUT DOUBT, be INCREDIBLY missed if you chose to end your life.  So please, if you've gotten to the point of what you feel to be no return, please, please, please seek help.  Each life is too precious, too fragile, too valuable to throw away....  don't let the darkness swallow you whole.  Don't let it win.  Choose LIFE.  <3

    Rest in peace, dear Robin.  You were loved by many.  You will always hold a special place in my heart.

~Em

This was me, doing my best to put on a happy face during one of my very darkest times.  The torment isn't always visible.  Always walk in love.  Always.