A Loss is a Loss

*Warning: This is an extremely personal post.  I didn't want to share with anyone other than the couple of people I already opened up to, but I really feel that someone out there needs to hear my story to receive their own healing.  So I'm going to stretch myself and share... despite how silly or small it may seem to others.  It's big for me. I hope that you find encouragement from this in some small way.  *If you're a dude.... you probably want to skip out on this post.  Just sayin'. ;)    

 


  Oh, how I loathe the term "chemical pregnancy."  It takes away from the miracle, the life, the depth of what once was.  It makes a tiny, profound creation seem like a speck of dust.  Yes, I realize the size of such a creation isn't much bigger, but if your focus is on that little detail, you're missing my point.

 Over Mother's Day weekend, I experienced such a loss.  I had my typical symptoms of pregnancy about 4-5 days prior... maybe even up to a week before... tracking time isn't my strong suit. I always get nauseous and fatigued even before missing my period, and it was obvious enough to me that this was more than just PMS symptoms.  I'm still nursing my almost-17-month-old part time, so my cycle is still quite irregular, but I was past my first "due" date for Aunt Flo.  So I bought a 3-pack First Response Pregnancy Test.

  I took the first test late Friday afternoon and got a faint positive.  A cheesetastic smile plastered itself across my face. I tried not to become attached, I really did... but I'm a sucker for a pink line.  A pink line is full of possibilities.  A pink line brings with it hopes and dreams and fills your heart with love... great big love... for a tiny life growing inside your womb.  At least it does for me. I was excited... nervous.... but mostly beaming at the thought of bringing a sixth child into our family.  Despite my most valiant effort, I latched on to all of those hopes and dreams and plans like a leech.

  Because I wanted to be absolutely certain of the pregnancy, I took another test Saturday morning.  I was nauseous. That was a good sign.  I fully expected to see a slightly darker line on that stick.  Nothing.  I'll admit, I did fret over that disappointing sight.  Maybe it was a faulty test.  I decided I'd give it another day or two and test again.

  An hour or two... or three later, I started cramping.  This is pretty normal in early pregnancy, but it did have me on edge a bit.  Not long after that, the blood came... and my heart sank.  Despite my disappointment, I held it together pretty well.  I thought maybe that first test was a false positive... even though that isn't as likely as a false negative.  I distracted myself... made myself busy.

  Sunday morning I woke up with that weight pushed to the back of my head.  No time for mourning on Mother's Day.  Jeff and I were getting ready to head out and swap the boys for the girls.  They all love taking their turns at Grandpa and Grandma's house.

  I felt off.  Down. I didn't realize where that feeling was coming from at first, ironically enough.  I hopped in the shower and it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started sobbing.  All of those hopes, dreams, plans... all of that joy washed down the drain as I shed those tears my eyes so desperately needed to cry.

  I gave myself an internal pep talk and got dressed.  Then I cried again.  Pulled myself together, began doing my makeup... cried again.  You get the idea. Every little step I took to get ready was a challenge.  How was I going to face the day without looking like a complete basket case?

  Jeff offered to take the boys and grab the girls himself, but I didn't want to be home alone with my toddler and my tears on Mother's Day.  Today was supposed to be a joyous day.  My family was celebrating me... they were loving on me.  They were spoiling me.  I couldn't get in their way! ;)

  I put on my best fake happy face and we drove out to our regular meeting spot.  We were a bit late, as you can imagine... what with all the crying I did while trying to get ready.  I can't believe I didn't have raccoon eyes.  That in itself was a complete miracle.

  I tried to be the "me" my parents knew me to be.  I tried to not let the kids see how low I was.  I don't feel that I did a very good job at hiding my hurt, but no one said anything, so I suppose I'm a better actress than I give myself credit for!

  Later, Jeff, the girls, Wesson, and I went to the park.  I insisted.  I wanted to walk the trails.  I wanted to take my frustrations out on the pavement and gravel.  I wanted to move past this the best way I knew how.  I wanted to stop kicking myself for taking that test on Friday instead of waiting 'til Saturday.  I wanted to forget what really couldn't be forgotten.

  Some may be surprised at how devastated I was.  I surprised even myself...not so much that I was feeling the loss, but more at how deeply I felt it.  I am still having trouble with it, especially in the quiet of the night, after all of my other blessings are tucked away in their beds.

  There are many who don't become attached so early on.  I don't understand that.  I don't condemn it at all, I just don't know how they do it... part of me wishes I could figure that out myself.  I love fast and hard... and with that comes all the more hurt and heartache in situations like this.  You may think I'm too sensitive... and maybe you're right... but I do believe that grief is real... grief is agonizing... and I believe it is important to give in to the grief, at least for a time.... or it could swallow you whole when you least expect it.

  I'm sharing my story because I want to be a voice for those who feel that the world is telling them their grief or sadness is unjustified for whatever reason.  Whether my pregnancy test was a false positive... or I had a life inside me (I truly, with all of my being, believe this was the case), it was painful to lose that.

   No baby cries will pierce the air in our home next January.  No ultrasounds, diapers, cuddles, or kisses for that precious little life.  Life was here, then vanished... as if it never was.  YES.... that "clump of cells" was a life.  Don't tell me otherwise. That poppyseed of a baby was precious, valuable, worthy of love and real enough to me... and that is all that matters.

  I can't begin to wrap my mind around how devastating it must be to miscarry further into the pregnancy.  To have visible evidence of your precious child... a child that can be touched and held.... oh, my heart breaks for the mamas who have experienced such an incredible loss.

  Don't ever dismiss someone's feelings.  Don't ever tell them their grief, heartache, or pain isn't justified.... what you may think of as no big deal, might just be a damn big deal to another.  Offer your love and support to those who are hurting... whether that is just a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear, or a simple and sweet "I'm praying for you."  You don't have to fix them.  You don't have to understand.  You just have to love that person enough to care and acknowledge that they need your support... whatever that looks like.

  Thank you for listening to my heart. I appreciate your prayers.  If you are experiencing any sort of heartache, please don't hesitate to reach out.  I would be honored to pray with you, or just listen to you share your feelings with me.  Be blessed friends, and be that blessing to your loved ones, always.

~Em

P.S.  I have only told a couple people about this.  It isn't something I feel I can share too many times.  It's still too fresh and painful right now.  So please forgive me if you're hearing this for the first time.  I hope you understand and don't take offense.  <3

Midnight Prayers

    As I was cleaning out my junk drawer yesterday, I came across a little book that somehow got tossed in there without a second thought.  So I decided to read it.  It is a book about praying for your children.

    I started reading it last night, but tonight I really dug in.  This book has bridged the obviously present gap between the Lord and I.  Yes, I admit, I haven't been seeking Him the way I should lately.  So as I'm reading this book, I'm having many little revelations and confirmations coming at me.  It was all good and well... I knew there were changes I needed to make, prayers I needed to pray, work I needed to do.

    Then, the second I read a particular verse on a particular page, my world was opened up tremendously, and I saw things so clearly.  I'm not sure how many times I've read this verse throughout my life... and I'm sure I've never read it in the translation that was presented... but this verse... this verse was fresh and new and mind-blowing to me tonight.

Rise during the night and cry out.  

Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord.

Lift up your hands to Him in prayer,

pleading for your children... 

LAMENTATIONS 2:19 NLT

    Sometimes, we can skim over a verse and feel as if we got nothing out of it.  Sometimes, we receive new revelations each time we read a verse... depending on what the Lord has for us in that season of our lives.  That is the beauty of believing in a LIVING GOD and reading a LIVING WORD.  

    As I read this verse tonight, it all came crashing over me like a soul-cleansing wave.  I used to suffer from panic attacks in the night.  Really scary, out of the blue panic attacks.  I've had a handful the past year or so, but nothing like they used to be.  In those moments, the ONLY thing that could bring me down... back to reality... and peace... was prayer.  

    I would start by asking God to rescue me from my situation...and as I felt myself calm down, my mind would turn to others I could pray over... my husband, my children, my friends and relatives and random people who came to the surface as I spoke.  

    Now, I'm not saying God sent me into a panic, but I am saying that He took what was a scary and painful situation, and He turned it into something beautiful, purifying, and peace-filled.  He turned my thoughts away from my anxiety and toward intercession on behalf of those who may have needed that very prayer in that very moment.  

    I often hear from Him the most in the middle of the night... when all is calm and quiet. That is when my mind is free from distraction and ready to listen.  So to read this verse tonight, it all came full circle, and completely confirmed that my late night prayers don't need to stem from panic or fear... my late night prayers can happen nightly, and calmly... or fervently depending on the situation.  My prayers can begin because I choose to pray, and not because I'm finding a way to escape a confusing and somewhat terrifying mind game.  

  I've been somewhat closed off, whether by accident or deep down intention, to my intimate relationship with Jesus, and I am so glad that He could reach out to me through this book... through this seemingly random occurrence... so that I can find complete peace in Him once more.  

    Sometimes, we fleshly humans mess up and cause what should be such a rewarding and fulfilling relationship to become complicated and messy.  Let me tell you, it is no fault of our Creator.  He is perfect and steadfast and so in love with us that it completely boggles my mind in the best sort of way.  He has forgiven me for my lack of communication... for my mistakes along the way, and I am forever grateful that He will do it time and time again. 

    I pray that my testimony can bring you peace, revelation, and hope in your own life.  Whether or not you're a parent, whether you're new in your walk with the Lord, or have been holding His hand your entire life... I pray that He speaks to you however you need Him to through my words.  I pray that He allows you to grab from this small story, a piece of confirmation... even if it has very little to do with my situation.  I pray that you open your heart to hear His voice, and that you allow Him to cover you in His goodness and grace.  

Be blessed tonight, and rest in Him.

~Em

  

Frizzy Hair and Lotsa Coffee

  I'm tired.  Tired to the point where I forget simple words and everything becomes "that thing" when I'm trying to communicate with my family.  My temper is in beast mode.  My patience has left the building.  My guilt is off the charts regularly throughout the day. I mean really... I have quite a few kids....a teenager and a baby included in the bunch.  Need I say more?

 Have you ever been there?  Bending to the point of breaking? I believe all mothers go through cycles of elation, frustration, exhaustion, excitement, hopelessness, hopeFULness, pure joy, failure, and the list goes on.  There is nothing wrong with feeling out of sorts.  We are human.  The beauty in those times of imperfection is that we have an incredible Father who takes over.... He carries us through those times of trouble, heartache, and sleeplessness.  He gifted us with our beautiful, sometimes incredibly trying children, and He wants us to succeed, even when He needs to step in and take over for a while.

  I've had to chant "this too shall pass" so many times lately, that I think I've actually worn the phrase out.  I've had to ask forgiveness of my kids numerous times.  I'm honestly wondering if something is a bit off with my husband... because he's standing strong by his frizzy haired, sailor cursing, caffeine addicted, black-bag-eyed, sleep deprived, slumpy dumpy wife through all of my trials.  He's either a saint on a mission from God, or I've broken him as well. Either way, I'm glad he's taking our wedding vows seriously.  ;)

  I don't say this to talk down to myself or to complain about where I'm at in life.  I am grateful for my life, and the people in it... even if I'm in a time of trial and the need for growth.  I say all of this to show you that we all go through it.  There is not one perfect mama.... not one perfect family out there.... even though we are in a world that often likes to mask the imperfections and show our happy, charming sides to the people who see us.

  This seems to be a recurring theme in my life... and this blog.  But you know?  I often need the reminder... and maybe you do too.  We need to embrace those moments of peace and calm.  Kiss on our babies' cheeks.  Snuggle for five more minutes.  Ignore that ugly pile of dishes and take a cat nap on the couch while the kiddos watch that episode of Jessie for the umpteenth time.  We need to do what it takes to survive during those cycles of not so happy times and then truly grab hold of our times of happiness, ease, and utter divineness.  Is that even a word?  Well, it is now! ;)

  If you are as tired as I am... I raise my mug of strong kick-in-the pants coffee to you... and I send hugs and smiles your way.  You're doing a fabulous job, sweet mama.  Your kids love you no matter what cycle you're going through right now.... even if you've become pals with good ol' raging hormonal Aunt Flo.... forgive yourself for being less than perfect and drink that coffee, watch that episode of Friends to get a good laugh in, or read that heartwarming book for a nice little cry... and remember that goodness and mercy are well on their way.  All of this is worth it in the end, don't you agree?

  I have five little souls and one hot bearded hubby who remind me every day that this is the best gosh darn life ever.  Trials and all.  And you know what?  I wouldn't trade these sleepless nights or sticky, loud, chaotic days for the world.

  Gotta go.... my next cuppa coffee is calling me.

xoxo
~Em

10 Confessions from a Mom of "Many"

    It's funny to me that when I meet new people and they find out I have five kids, they assume I must be some sort of saint with the patience of Jesus and the love of all things Susie Homemaker.  Well, unfortunately I do not fall into either category, and while I've given up and allowed myself the freedom from bondage on many issues, there are some I desperately need to remedy.  So if you're feeling like you're the only mom out there who isn't so gosh darn perfect in every gosh darn way, this is for you.  You're welcome. ;)

1.  I have a love/hate relationship with cloth diapers.  Yeah, cue the gasps.  I adore the cuteness, the fluffy-ness, the "aww" factor.  I really do.  I have to hold myself back from buying more diapers because of this.  I see one with an adorable hard-to-resist pattern and my first instinct is to jump on that and throw it in my online cart.  The thing is..... I really think I am living in the right century.  I would have hardly skated by before disposables came along.  

    I cloth part time.  That "part time" status is becoming smaller by the week.  It's not that I don't care about our environment... or our hard earned cash.  It's that I am not fond of the extra laundry.  Some women claim it doesn't seem like that much extra to them, but it sure does to me.  I already have to re-wash loads of laundry because of my forgetfulness, so to have to wash these adorable little poop holders multiple times between each poop sesh is a bit much for my taste.  

    I love that I have these for those times when I run out of disposables and can't make a quick trip to the store to buy another box.  I love that my son looks so stinking fluffalicious in them.  I really really do.  I love how soft some of the covers are.  I hate how they flippin' leak at the first sign of pee.  (Speaking of... I've tried a few different brands.... Rumparooz covers are my favorite all around.... the leak factor isn't an issue, they are sturdy, they are cute.... but they don't seem as comfortable around the legs and waist as some other brands.  Overall.... if anyone ever asks.... Rumparooz are my favorite).  

    So I will carry on, cloth diapering at home...on the days I won't collapse at the thought of another darn load of laundry.... but I am not going to beat myself up over the fact that I don't bring them out on the town with my baby and I.  No guilt.  No shame.  Just part-time cloth diapering love and hate. ;)

2.  I have a love/hate relationship with all things crafty and "Pinteresty."  I thoroughly enjoy doing little crafts and projects with my kids.... sometimes.  But much of the time, I'm all about handing over that task to my ten year old daughter.... and she just eats it up, I tell ya.  I have not a single crafty bone in my body.... so my attempts at creating beautiful things worthy of a perfectly arranged photo are weak at best.  Give me the fun activities that require no art-filled talent and I'm your gal!  I'm all about using our imaginations.... and luckily so are my kids... because they need great imaginations to see what some of these crafts should look like when made by their dear old mom.  I used to feel guilty for not always enjoying this stuff... and inadequate because so many moms were so great at it... but I can't do that anymore. I'm going to embrace who I am as a mom and let go of that need to craft it up on the reg.... unless I really want to! 

3.  I have a love/hate relationship with doing things outside the home.  As a mom with five kids.... I have quite enough "busy" to last me a lifetime.  I love being at home.  I love doing stuff with the kids right here in the comfort of our own little nest.... or in the yard just outside our nest.  While field trips and play dates, and moms nights out are all sorts of fun, sometimes I feel burdened by it all and have to wipe my calendar clean, stay home with the hubby and kids and just be a family.  I will never be one of those moms who has her kids in every sport, club, and after school activity known to man.  I just won't.  My kids seem pretty fine with it.  My wallet seems pretty cool with it.  My husband doesn't seem to mind that I'm not frazzled and pulling my hair out at the end of each day (well, I kinda do that, but at least it's not EVERY day. ;) )  The point is..... I have enough busy to go around, and I am not complaining about that one bit, but to add to it is overkill unless that activity is truly worth all the hassle.  Most of the time, it isn't.  I used to feel inadequate over this too.  Not anymore.  

    You don't like that I find no joy in having to get myself all dolled up, get all the kids ready, load them up in the car, and drive to who knows where just to sit there and watch them do who knows what for who knows how long all to have the status of being a good mom who gives her kids a ton of amazing opportunities?  So sorry you feel that way.  

    

    I am what you might call a "commitment-phobe."  If an activity requires weekly attendance for an extended period of time..... nope.  If it is going to cost me an arm and a leg and cause turmoil in our house because not every kid gets to do it.... nope.  If it is going to cut into the fund for a family road trip... nope.  You get my point?  I see nothing wrong with being busy.... as long as my family is busy together, doing things in which we find value, all while not stressing over the hows, the wheres, and the whys of it all.  To be "busy" just to fit the status quo is just not my cup o' tea.  I make no apologies.  Not a one. ;)  Don't feel this is a jab at you, if you are one of those who thrive in a busy environment.  If you love it, good for you!!!  Sometimes I wish I did love the hustle and bustle of a full schedule outside the home.... I just don't.  :)

4.  I don't always enjoy cooking (I usually don't) and I despise grocery shopping.   My family is so lucky... no ~ blessed beyond belief.... that they have a Daddy and older brother who are amazing cooks and who actually enjoy the task.  Mommy is too unpredictable in this department.  When I get in a cooking mood... watch out!  Recipes are being made, food is being eaten, and fun is being had!  That doesn't happen often.  When I'm not in the mood and our two resident chefs are otherwise occupied, my family eats things like rice and stir-fried veggies or *gasp* take out or *gasp* sandwiches or *gasp* mac and cheese.  I like quick and easy.  Even if it's a tossed salad with tuna on top.  Here ya go kids, eat up!  

    Each season of life brings different feelings for me when it comes to cooking.  I get all fired up and want to bake pumpkin bread and make hot cider and get that crock pot out of the back corner of the pantry each fall.  When the first snow hits, hot chocolate and snow ice cream must be made.  I typically avoid cooking at all costs from mid-winter until hmmmm.... June, perhaps?  It's all about survival then.... getting all of our school days finished, keeping the kids from going bat poop crazy from being cooped up in the house, or enjoying the newly warm and sunny weather of spring while neglecting to remember that there is such a thing as dinner and *oh my gosh, it's seven o' clock, I need to make something for the kids to eat, QUICK!*  You catch my drift? So those "off" seasons for me are when Jeff and Hayden can really shine in the kitchen.  I hand over the control and let them have at it... with a big ol' smile on my face and a refreshing Dr. Pepper in my hand as I kick up my feet and enjoy a little snuggle with Wesson or a nice stare at the wall.

    I pretty much never enjoy grocery shopping.  I'm honestly surprised I don't break out in hives when I must go.  I LOVE making grocery lists.  I love the planning of a menu... but to go look through all the aisles, trying to find that one darn ingredient while keeping tabs on kids who want everything in sight and must touch e.ver.y.thing; while bouncing to keep the moby-wrapped baby happy and hoping that no one is judging me because my kids aren't keeping their hands on the cart and staying out of everyone's way.... to then stand next to a huge rack of candy while waiting to pay for the darn groceries before I have to hear one more "but puhleeeeaaase can I just have one treat, mom?"....... where was I?  Oh yeah... nope.  Can't say I enjoy it.  The thing I do enjoy about grocery shopping.... that sense of accomplishment when all the groceries are put away and all I have left to do is think about dinner..... okay, scratch that.  But grocery shopping is a fact of life, and while my hubby is so gracious and understanding and honestly does the shopping more often than not, I have to buck up and do it now and then, so hopefully some day, when all my kids become as easy to shop with as my eldest, it might be kinda fun... maybe... no? 

5.  I yell.  Not proud of it.  Not in the least, but it happens.  I guess I have this thing called a "temper" and things get me going.  It's not just a "bahhh" sort of yell.  It's a "I'm going to yell now, and every word I say is going to be loud so that I feel terrible about yelling once all is said and done" kind of yell.  Our neighbors must LOVE me.  It is something I'm working on.... and failing at... but I'll keep working on it until I get it right.  

    I had our fifth baby at home this past December.  It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  If we have more kids in the future, they will be born at home too.  All up until having him, I worried that I might be too vocal and scare the neighbors if they happened to be outside (mind you, this was just before Christmas, so I'm pretty sure there were no people hanging out on their decks, sipping cocktails and being incredibly inconvenienced by that crazy-loud hippie baby breeder).  

   I think I sort of made a semi-loud noise when I had Wesson.  I was all worried about it.  My husband so hilariously reminded me that our family makes more noise than I did while pushing the babe out of my body.  Which, as funny as it is, reminds me that I'm being a terrible example to our kids by how much I raise my voice.  I'm louder when I'm screeching over messes than I was while having a baby.  When that thought sunk in, it stung quite a bit, I must say.  Lots of work to do.  Far from perfection in this department. 

6.  My breastfeeding track record is pretty pitiful.   The longest I've gone so far was 11 months with my second child.  The others were 6 months, 8ish months, and 4 days.  Yep.  I am a huge fan of breastfeeding, but for one reason or another, it never lasted as long as I would have hoped for.  I have a feeling this time will be different.  I really hope so.  I used to hate myself over this.  I used to think I was broken, or unfit to be a mother if I couldn't provide the one thing my babies needed to survive for as long as many of the other moms I knew.  You know what?  My kids survived on breastmilk AND formula.... and they are thriving.... so there was no need for the self-loathing or for the allowing of other well-meaning moms' not so helpful but oh, so soul crushing comments to make me feel guilty.  

    Now I happen to be on the other end of the spectrum and still get to deal with unwanted comments.  No, I am not pumping or supplementing with formula yet.  No, we don't own a single bottle.  Yes, all is right in Wesson's world.  I mean, have you seen the adorably squeezable chunk of his thighs? 'Nuff said!

7.  I'm not a fan of other people's kids.  I know... this is the stuff evil is made of.  Don't get me wrong... I have no delusions that my children are perfect or that they are the best kids in the entire universe (although... they are the best kids in the entire universe for me!).  It's not that I dislike all other kids..... in fact, there are plenty of kids I absolutely adore.  I have just found that the list of kids I'd rather not hang around grows quite rapidly.  Whether it's just conflicting personalities, lack of parenting, lack of patience on my part, or whatever.... I'm just not that much of a kid person.  Ironic, isn't it? ;)  I will be sweet as pie, unless some kid bullies or endangers one of mine, but man, do I appreciate the kids I have after a visit to the park or museum.  Know what I'm sayin?  Or am I completely alone in this?  I should feel bad.... right?  My conscience must have moved out of the country..... do I even need to remedy this?  Back to the acting sweet as pie thing... that makes up for my distaste of naughty, entitled, unsupervised children, right? No? Huh? 

8.  I am NOT a morning person.  There have been a few times where I woke up all giddy and ready to tackle whatever the day would bring me... and even a few days in a row.  Enough days to have tricked me into thinking I may have been becoming a morning person.  But nope.  I am a night owl through and through.  People often make the assumption that because I have "so many kids" I must be a morning person.  Nut uh.  Not at all.  Don't talk to me until my first cup of coffee is gone.  Better yet, don't even look at me.  Okay, I'm not that bad... most days.  I love a good hug from my kiddos in the morning.... but save the cat fights and screeching for mom's second cup of coffee, please.  

    I have tried to change this numerous times.  I'm just not wired that way.  I want to want to get up in the morning, before the rest of the family to go on a run... or walk.... or crawl around the neighborhood. I want to want to get my devotions in before I see the whites of my kids' eyes, but it's just not happenin' for me.  My exercise will have to be whatever it is I do all day... don't even tell me it has to be anything different.  I'm okay with who I am, even if there's a whole lotta extra right now.  I'll get to the exercise when I get to the exercise.  Worry 'bout yourself.... ;) My prime time of day is the evening, and I'm totally okay with that.  

9.  I crave time alone.  I love love love my children with all my heart.  I love hanging out with them and doing school and life with them.  I love playing games, and snuggles, and watching movies, and breathing in the fresh air of the great outdoors with my kids.  There is just something in me that needs that down time by myself.  I am a huge fan of having little Netflix marathons at night after everyone has gone to bed.  It is my time to veg out, wind down, and allow myself to just enjoy "being."  Breathing, loving the opportunity to watch Friends without guilt, eating a snack without sharing.... ahhh.... the luxury.  I think, other than God's mighty hand, this is what keeps me going.  I'm able to recharge in my own way and it is wonderful.  We moms often feel guilty for desiring time alone.  We should want to love and dote on our precious little cherubs 24/7 like every other loving mom, right?  Newsflash~ I'm pretty sure every mom on the planet craves alone time... and if she doesn't.... she isn't human.  There's just no way. ;)

10.  I change my mind. A LOT.  If you go back and read the whole cloth diaper fiasco bit, you'll see.  I'm like that with almost everything.  

    I want to start a homestead, but FIRST I want to buy an RV and travel the country full time with Jeff and the kids so they have the opportunity to see and experience everything humanly possible before we miss out.... but maybe the homestead is more practical because really, five kids and two adults in a camper might get a little tight..... especially since I crave time alone.  I'm going to research the crap out of how to go about full time RVing anyway.  Just in case I change my mind again.  You get it?  This is my mind... all the time.  

    I love cloth diapering.  No I don't.  Okay, I love it.  Nah.... not for me.  We must do book based learning.  I think I like online programs better.  No, let's go back to books.  I'm sick of the clutter, let's go back to online learning.  I want to move closer to our families.  No.... let's move out of state.  But I miss living near our families.  Guh, but living down South is such a dream of mine.  Ooh, you know what we should do?  We should move up North! 

.......... I just figured out why I'm so gosh darn tired.  It has nothing to do with the kids at all. ;)

11.  I changed my mind..... again.  I have an 11th confession to make....  I love my husband and children more than life itself and I will go to great lengths to make sure we as a family are happy, healthy and whole.  Whether we use cloth diapers or not, no matter who cooks dinner or grabs takeout that night, whether we're in an rv or spread out over ten acres.... whether we continue on in life as a family of seven, or we add to our brood, whether we yell, or whisper "I love you,"  I will always always always cherish the amazing people God has placed in my care.  I will forever love the family I am so blessed to call mine.  And that, dear friends, is my greatest, most prized "confession." 

~Em

Am I Enough?

    It's been eight weeks since I gave birth to my youngest bundle of joy.  I'm feeling more like myself these days and less like the walking zombie I had begun to despise and embrace all at once.  With the ever increasing clarity comes some of those stresses I could so easily push to the back of my mind while in my postpartum fog.  So it's time to tackle those stress-inducing thoughts and kick my parenting back into high gear.

    Most of those anxious thoughts we parents get come at night, while we're trying to fall asleep.  The house is quiet, the tv is off, the glow of the phone has been extinguished for the night.  All that's left between you and sweet sleep is that brain that just has to keep going and going and going....

    Being a parent is hard on our hearts.  The world keeps plunging into darker and darker territory, mommy wars are viciously attacking us from all angles, we're constantly feeling those punches of reality when our kids show just how free their wills are.  It's enough to bring even the strongest person to their knees.

    How do we protect our children from the evils of this world?  How do we prove that every little decision we make has been prayed over, researched, snot-face ugly cried through, so that we know we have done our absolute best to keep our children healthy, happy, and whole?  Why do we have to experience the wrath that is our children's desire to exhibit their own free will?  Are we good enough to parent our kids?

    I have to remind myself on an hourly basis to do my best and once I've done my part, to hand all of it... all of everything over to God.  Being the mama bear that I am, I have to admit, that is so hard to do.  So hard.  I have this need to control everything in my life.... and that includes everything that happens in my kids' lives, so to hand it over and to forget about it is a challenge.  This is where faith steps in.  Do I have faith in the God who created the universe?  Do I have faith in the One who chose to die not only for me, but for my husband, and each and every one of my children?  There is no one who loves my kids more than Jesus.  Not even me (although, I have to come in at a very close second). ;)

    So when I'm lying in bed, kicking myself over not spending an extra twenty minutes on math that day, or forgetting to get that last kiss and hug in at bedtime, I need to remember that my children are in God's hands.  I will always do my darnedest to raise my children the best that I can, but I know that no matter how many times I mess up, no matter how many ways I fall, God will be right there to catch us and direct us down the path He has laid out for us.

    If you struggle with those same thoughts, know that you aren't alone.  We all wonder if we are enough for our children.  We all wonder if we are the right parents for our kids.  You know what the answer is?  YES!  Yes, we are enough because God is right there with us.  YES, we are the right parent for our children, because God saw fit to gift them to us while we're here on this sometimes scary, but always beautiful world He created.

    When those voices attack you, whether it be from your own mind, or from the mouths of others, shut them out.  Unless you are hearing from the voice of God on your worth as a parent, you need not listen.

    Hug on your children.  Give yourself a pat on the back.  Stand up, brush the negativity off your shoulders, and relax, knowing that you've got this, with the help of an incredible God!

YOU.ARE.ENOUGH.

My Homebirth Experience

    It's been a little over a month since I had my fifth baby.  I've been enjoying our little babymoon.  He is absolutely precious and I can't get enough of him.  Here are the most recent pictures of my sweet little guy ~

    I think he looks just like his Daddy.... and I see all the other kids in there somewhere as well.  He just melts my heart! 

    With my other kids, I had hospital births.  Each was pretty unique... two were quite similar, but all took place in a hospital bed.  There weren't any traumatic events, all went well.  I was quite pleased with them, yet I didn't have a clue about what I was missing out on in giving birth at home.  Wow, am I ever a fan!

    I am all about women giving birth in a place that makes them feel safe, secure, comfortable, and relaxed.  If a woman feels better at a hospital, by all means, plan a hospital birth.  If you feel better at home, don't step foot outside your house! If you want to make the trek to The Farm in Tennessee.... I'll be mighty jealous, but have at it!  I even hear of women giving birth in the woods.... more power to them, those mighty, brave, magnificent creatures! 

    I had heard a bit about homebirthing throughout the years, but never saw myself doing that.  It just isn't what we do these days, or so I thought.  I was content with going to the hospital like the majority of women I know.  It was the normal thing to do, so that's what I did.  This time around was different.  I just wanted to stay home.  I am comfortable at home.  It is my safe, happy bubble.  Home is where my husband and I raise our children.  It is where I teach my children.  It is where I snuggle my husband.  Home is where my heart is, so why wouldn't I want to have one of the most special experiences of my life right here in my cozy little nest?  

    I never expected to love my homebirth experience as much as I did.  I mean, I was blown away!  I found an amazing midwife who shares my beliefs in so many areas of life that I truly believe God led me to her.  She came to my house for all my prenatal appointments.  I had my ultrasounds right on my very own couch.  I didn't have to change out of my jammies for my appointments if I didn't want to.  The kids were able to get to know the midwife, my hubby was as well.  It was a wonderful several months of bonding and I will forever cherish those times.  

    It's really a good thing I chose to birth at home, because my labor was so..... strange.  It was strange for me anyway.  I always had clear tell-tale signs of when I needed to go to the hospital.  After a couple weeks of "false alarms," I really didn't believe I was in labor.  My contractions weren't strong enough to cause alarm, although they were pretty regular.  I don't think I really felt I was truly in labor until my midwife was 10 minutes out from our house.  

    The night before I had Wesson (that would be the baby, yes!), I woke up not even a handful of times every couple hours with what I thought were braxton hicks.  Around 8/8:30 am they started picking up speed, and quick.  I called my parents shortly after and told them that today could be the day, but I wasn't making any promises.  I sent my kids to stay with them, and honestly thought I'd get them back a couple hours later when my current bout of false labor ended. lol  

    Soon after the kids left, I texted my midwife to let her know that today might be the day, but I wasn't sure.  She called about 20 minutes later (ballpark) to talk with me and see how I was doing.  Around 10 am or so, we decided that she should head over, as my contractions started feeling a bit more real.  Nothing to be alarmed over, but hey, might as well be safe.

    About ten minutes before she arrived, I was contracting hard enough that Jeff decided to call and see how far out she was.  By the time she walked through the door, I was sitting on the couch with tears in my eyes and she knew I was close.  She arrived around 11:40.

    All this time, my birthing pool was filling up in my bedroom (what a great husband I have. He was on top of things!).  I got into the pool about 20 minutes after my midwife arrived and set up her supplies.  It felt wonderful!  I love hot water.  I love hot water even more as a way to relieve pain!  Jeff brought my diffuser filled with a couple of my favorite essential oils into our bedroom and got that going. You really can't beat hot water, essential oils, scriptures plastered all over your walls (the kids made them colorful for me too!), and being in your own bedroom.  It is the best, I tell ya! 

    I felt pressure probably 5 minutes after I hopped in the pool.  5 minutes after that, Wesson was here, in my arms, precious as can be.  I birthed him through two contractions, virtually without pushing.... it was a beautiful thing.  His cord was wrapped around him three times, and I hadn't a clue until after the fact because my midwife was such a boss that she untangled him with lightning speed.  He was born healthy, happy, and safely in the comfort of our own home.  

    I often hear people say that homebirthing is a trend.  I find that silly.  If you think about it, hospital birthing is a trend.  Women have been birthing from home since the beginning of birthing.  There is nothing strange about giving birth in your own home if you so choose to go that route.  Our bodies are made for this, and as long as you aren't experiencing a high risk pregnancy, I see nothing dangerous or weird about it at all.  

    I was accompanied by people who loved me and cared for me.  One of which was my husband who handled the whole ordeal like a rockstar!  He served me hand and foot from the time I went into labor until today, even.  He's been cooking, cleaning, child rearing, grocery shopping, you name it while I've been recovering.  

   I'm doing a whole lot more now, as I just can't help myself, but I did make sure to allow myself to recover well for the first two or three weeks.  This has been new for me, as I only gave myself maybe three or four days of rest before trying to tackle the world once again.  I have yet to see those baby blues I experienced in the beginning each time before.  I had a couple weepy moments, out of sheer exhaustion the first couple days, but other than that, I've been pretty level headed, and I attribute that to my following my midwife's orders of sticking to my couch/bed like glue. ;)  

  That other person who loved and cared for me was obviously my midwife.  I love that she errs on the side of caution.  I knew that the second a sign of trouble arrived, she would have packed me up in the car and raced me to the hospital.  That sense of security was absolutely essential for me.  She knows what she's doing, so I had full faith that Wesson and I would be A-okay.  

    God had His hands all over this experience.  I am so grateful to have gone on such a journey, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I'll leave you with a few pictures of my sweet boy.  Our whole family just loves him.  It's really hard sharing him with four kids and my husband, but oh, does it melt my heart to see each of them hold and bond with him.  He is the perfect addition to our family.

Be prepared for a photo explosion..........

That, in a nutshell, is why you haven't heard much from me lately.  There just aren't enough words to describe the feelings flowing through me at the moment.  My cup overflows. 

~Em

  

 

The Importance of Family

    I'm noticing more and more the decline of respect for the sanctity of marriage and family in today's society.  It saddens me.  It really does.  I would bend over backwards for my family... I would die for my family.

    Cheating is so common that people barely bat a lash when they hear of it.  Women throw themselves at married men without a second thought... and vice versa.  Children are hurt through the selfishness of their parents, or the sheer neglect to see that something might be going on with their child. People live for the moment with no regard for the consequences.

    Don't get me wrong, I am more than aware of my faults as a wife and mother, but you bet your bottom dollar that all of Hell could not contain my fury if the safety of my family unit was compromised in any way.  I will work hard to be sure nothing comes between my marriage... even if that means I have to admit my faults and make serious changes in my own habits, for the sake of showing respect to my husband.  I will work equally as hard to protect my children from the deceitful thoughts or harmful circumstances that could be thrown their way.

    Please don't take this as an attack on you if your family has been broken in some way.  My heart in all of this is that I'd like us all to realize we really need to take a step back and see how our actions are affecting our families.  If the things I do support my family as a whole, I will keep on keeping on.  If the path I take is detrimental or threatening or even remotely taking anything from my family, I need to drop it, and fast.

    We're all trying to get ahead in this life.  We're all trying to pursue our dreams, but at what expense?  If we become so self involved, it opens us up to a whole new world of temptation and hurt. If we live for ourselves first, and for our families second, our loved ones get thrown by the wayside while we, often unknowingly, scar them beyond belief... and eventually hurt ourselves with an abundance of guilt, regret, and loneliness.

  Some think I'm one of those crazy moms who shelters her children and puts too much of herself into her marriage and family.  If that's what you want to think, so be it.  I'm fine with being crazy if that means my kids can be kids for as long as possible while watching their parents tackle life together as a team.  I'm fine with being crazy if that means that I can fall asleep at the end of the day knowing my family is loved and secure.  I'm fine with being crazy if that means the vows my husband and I made to each other stand until death parts us.  I'm fine with being crazy if that means I can come to God when things are bad, unashamed, and allow Him to heal me, forgive me, pat me on the back, and beam with pride at my passion for the beautiful people He has blessed me with.

  I am so laid back with people.  I can see past their flaws and love them anyway.  I can put up with a lot for the sake of showing love and compassion to those I interact with.  I try to be kind and peaceful and forgiving.  I try to let go of the things that annoy or hurt me, but I have a line... a line that is dangerous to cross.  Anyone who dares to cross that line is playing with much more than fire.  Threaten my family, you'll see what I mean... But for the sake of my desire to be sweet and smiley and friendly, and for the sake of your well-being, I pray you never come close to crossing that line.

    If your husband or wife share my sentiment, consider yourself blessed.  If you share my sentiment, your family is in good hands.  I pray more and more people come to realize the importance of family.  I pray that they can open their hearts to what the Lord has to say to them so that when red flags arise, they can be put to rest before any real threats hurt their family.

    I'm going to fight for my family to the death.  I'm going to set aside those dreams that might get in the way of our well being, and revisit them, only when it works for our family as a unit.  I'm going to cut ties with anyone who would threaten our family in any way.  I'll continue to take pride in the gifts God has given me, because I know how easily they can be taken away.  God didn't bless me with my amazing husband and incredible children for me to throw them away.  He blessed me with them, trusts me with them so that we can go through this life together, with Him.  I refuse to give that up for anything or anyone.



   


   

Quality Friendships

  I don't know about you, but as time marches on, I feel more and more pressured by many of the "friendships" I have.  It seems these days that it is no longer about quality friendships and those bonds you form with people, but about what you can do for them.  It's more about the stuff, the money, the status of it all.  It's more about how you can make them look like the raddest, prettiest, most fantastic person on the planet.

  Don't get me wrong, I still have a handful of friendships that are the real deal.  I appreciate those women more than they will ever know.  I find though, that as soon as you decide to stop showering people with gifts, or stop buying every little trinket from home parties or Facebook parties, those friends start slipping away.  Which, in all reality, is the best thing for us.  Do we really want to hold on to synthetic friendships when we can have organic, real, genuine relationships with people?

  As a side note, I realize that being involved with an at home "business" of sorts might make some of my friends feel pressured.  I don't want that at all!  Not at all!  I am promoting something I believe in and something that I feel can help my friends and their families, but I don't hold it against someone when they choose to take another route, and I certainly don't want anyone to feel like they need to buy my products in order to keep me happy.  I love my friends regardless of those petty pressures we so often put ourselves under.  Buy what you like, don't buy what you don't, and just hang out with me when you can.  Isn't that how it should be?

  I've noticed that I've become a bit more introverted over the years... much to my family's benefit.  I don't put so much effort and so many of my feelings into friendships that have no value.  I have more energy and happy feelings to put into my family.  Not to say that I don't have my bad days or weeks, but overall, since I decided that it's far more about the quality of my friendships, rather than the quantity of friends I have, I have become much, much more content.

  I've slowly been putting forth more effort into friendships again, and with that comes both the good and the bad.  Unfortunately, many people still see their friends as numbers, and not so much as individuals that can bring something of substance into their lives.

  While I'm not the best friend on the planet, I do care about my friends... even when I can't always physically be there or financially support their ventures.  I'm more of the kind of friend who focuses on "heart" matters, rather than surface stuff.  Need to talk something out? I'm your gal!  Want to enjoy a laid back night with my family and some good grilled food? You've come to the right place!  Want me to shower you with gifts and extravagant trips?  Sorry... you'll have to keep looking.

  Energy drainers, selfishness, and people who care only about their image suck the life right out of me and I just don't have it in me to pretend anymore.  I will be kind to all, I will love most everyone I come into contact with, but most people will be loved from a distance at this point.  I'm finally at a point where I can feel comfortable with that.  I'm finally at a point where I don't need to attempt to keep everyone I know happy.

  I've had many supporters and teachers along the way who have helped me come to this new-ish way of thinking.  My parents, in-laws, husband (he is the king of setting the right priorities in life), my sister-in law, and the list goes on. I appreciate that these people have been so patient with me over the years, and that they never gave up on me or saw me as a lost cause.  They saw that I am a sensitive person who picks up on other people's feelings quite easily, and they saw that I needed to fine tune my "gift", so to speak, so that it would no longer be a curse as well.  I have a long way to go, but when I look back and see how far I've come, I am happy that I have made great progress.

  Life can be so difficult.  We think it's hard when we're teens, but it only gets tougher as we age... especially as our children start nearing those teenage years.  I want to be that good example of balance for my kids.  I want to show them how to be kind to others without allowing them to walk all over them.  I want them to know that they and their dad are my top priorities, and that while friendships are important, family always comes first.

  I am still so new to getting this right that I don't have words of wisdom to share, other than the experiences I've had.  It's a never-ending battle, but I am winning, bit by bit, as I reach for my goal of being pleasing to God, my husband, and my children, first and foremost.

  If you're fighting a similar battle today, or a battle of any sort at all, know that you are in my prayers and that I am cheering you on!  Focus on your family and those friends who bring quality benefits and goodness into your life, who you can bless in the same way... not in the materialistic sense, but in the spiritual, emotional way. Be blessed, friends.  Know that the Lord is fighting the good fight with you and he's holding your hand as you navigate your way through this confusing and adventurous life.

~Em

A Special Announcement and Those Nagging Questions....

  Our family is growing, yet again, and I couldn't be more thrilled about it.  We have made our announcement to our closest family and friends, and then quickly made it "official" on our personal Facebook pages, since we knew word would spread quickly.  So here's my blog announcement: We're thrilled to announce that we're expecting Baby Terry #5 in December! :-D

  As each day passes, I go through a whole slew of emotions, like any expectant mother would.  This baby is very much wanted and that never changes, but I do notice when I'm around people who are skeptical of large families, their doubts try to take hold in my mind.  Am I cut out for this?  Are we doing right by the kids we have?  Is this really the right move to make?  Well, let me tell you, there's no turning back now, so those thoughts can be tossed in the trash, thank you very much!

  Here's the thing: I've always wanted a big family.  I've always loved kids, and I love them even more now that I have my own.  Today, having a large family is often looked down upon, and my conflict-avoiding self can't exactly dodge the comments and interrogations that come from those concerned people who think we're being a bit extravagant in our family-growing ways.  There's nothing I can do about those people, other than to brush their comments off my shoulder and to continue being happy with what is to come for us.

  I've got some answers to the questions people like to ask.  I'll try to be as kind as possible in my response, but know that I am full of raging hormones, therefore I'll ask forgiveness, just in case I give a cold answer with the look of death in my eyes. ;)

 Aren't you concerned about quality time with each child?  Of course we are!  As of right now, Jeff works a second shift job, so our "Alone Nights" with the kids fall on my shoulders.... and that is a responsibility I eagerly accept.  In addition to praising each child's individuality, strengths, accomplishments, and gifts, we strive to have "alone nights" once a week with each child.  As our family grows, those alone nights may be spaced out, but they will happen, and we will continue to enjoy them until the kids are grown and have families of their own.  Since we currently have to enjoy alone nights at home most of the time, we do what we can to make them special.  The kids often get to choose a special snack, a show or movie to watch, or an activity to do with Mom.  We've also allowed them to pick an alone night buddy to tag along, if they choose to have one.  We enjoy games, spa nights, long talks, and Netflix marathons with the kids.  As soon as our nights free up a bit, Jeff and I will take turns carting the kids to various outings on their own (ice cream, putt putt, bowling, etc.).  We do what we can when we can do it and we always make sure that our kids know just how special they are and how much we love them.  Even the simplest of nights are appreciated by them because they know that they are getting that quality time with us.

  What about the cost of raising so many children?  So apparently when you have three or more children, your personal/private income goes on blast.  To this, I say that you can make pretty much any income work as long as you know how to re-prioritize.  Necessities soon look like frivolous treats and you become a budgeting ninja with the news of a new family member's arrival.  I have talked about various ways we stretch our money in this post.  Some things may have changed a bit since, but the gist of it all is the same.  I make many cleaning products, bath and body supplies, and am not the least bit terrified of purchasing things from garage sales, Goodwill, or other thrift shops.  Hand me downs are big here, too. We rarely eat out, and we keep our menu quite simple... we stick to whole foods as much as possible and try to avoid the pricey, less healthy packaged stuff.  If you want to know more, read the other post.  I am still intrigued by others' ways of saving and budgeting, so I'd love to hear your tips and tricks!

  You know what causes that, right?  Well, we're adults with fully functioning brains, so I think we've figured it out.... and we seem to do it well. ;)  We know very well how to avoid pregnancy, we have just come to a place where we are confident in our marriage, our faith in God, and our family, so we choose to leave the size of our family up to the Lord.  Much to our surprise, a new addition didn't happen when we first let go.  I struggled with it for a bit, but it's all good.  God knows what's what. Now that blessing is growing and preparing for the big day he/she makes his/her grand entrance into our big wide world.

  I talked about my change of heart and our decision to let go here.  We stand by this and are confident that God will bless us with the perfect size family for us.  It wasn't easy letting go... believe me... I don't like it when I can't control big things in my life... but this was the best decision we ever made for our marriage, our family, and our relationship with God.  It took my faith to the next level.  I am so thankful for that.

  Are you going to send your kids to school now that another baby is on the way?  Uh, well... that thought never crossed my mind until you asked, but no.... I will not be sending my children to school because our family is growing.  This is an excellent time for them to learn great life/family skills.  This is another reason I love schooling my kids at home. They are always learning life skills, even when textbook lessons are set aside. If we need to take a few weeks off, we have the freedom to do so.  We have summers to make up for missed school, and we have the ability to write our own schedules.  If the Lord were to direct us otherwise, of course we'd send the kids to school, but for now, we're sticking to what works for us.  What works for us is the absolute honor to home school.... and to do it with complete peace and joy.  I realize we will have hard days or seasons, but that is no reason to throw in the towel.  Things worth doing never come easy.  :)

  There are so many other questions and concerns that come up, from our choice of diapers to medical decisions to where or how we're giving birth.  While most of the time, it's just curious cats who'd like to take notes for future reference, or friends who enjoy talking about babies and family, sometimes people ask because they want to *clears throat* "educate" us on the best options.  This makes me chuckle.  Four kids in and another on the way, and there are people who believe we aren't well-equipped with knowledge on various child-rearing topics.  Of course, it's a never-ending learning process, but I've become quite the pro when it comes to research, prayer, and educated decision making.  We've got this and we've got it good!  It is great knowing there is a community of people out there who want what's best for our family/children, even when the approach can rub a pregnant mama the wrong way.

  I am so grateful that we live in a country where family size and most of the decisions we make are completely up to us.  I'm thankful that I have some of the absolute best people in our corner ~ people who stand behind our actions, even if they are different from their own.  I feel blessed beyond measure for the people God has placed in my life and I am incredibly excited for the new life to come that will make a great impact on my own.... in fact, this kidney bean has already made quite the ripple and I am so in love.  <3

  Do you have a large family?  I know that term is relative.... there are families much larger than ours... but if you have a family that is larger than the "norm,"  I'd love to hear from you!  What do you say to the critics?  How do you prepare for a new arrival?  What do you do to make things work financially?  How do you rearrange your home and organize your space to accommodate the new life that will fill that space?  These are questions that will always intrigue me.  Family will always be a huge interest of mine, especially since the one I have pulls at my heartstrings in ways I never thought possible.

  However big or small your family, I pray the Lord blesses you and provides you with the joy and contentment He's given me.  Hug your loved ones and don't forget to count your blessings!

~Em



 

My Son's Unconditional Love

  I have to admit, my parenting skills could use a little sharpening at times.  As much as I'd like to be that perfect, patient, tenderhearted mom at all hours, I fall short.  Only by the grace of God can I pick myself up, brush myself off and ask forgiveness when needed.

  I want what's best for my children.  I want them to put their best foot forward.  Today, I might not have made my expectations clear and I snapped when I found an unfinished chore.  I raised my voice, talked down to the child who obviously didn't fully understand the task, and I immediately felt remorse.  I had to put myself in a "mommy time-out" in my room for a few minutes to let myself cry over my lashing out.

  Once I composed myself, I went to my child and apologized.  I told him that I shouldn't have gotten angry over such a small thing, and that it was very mean of me to yell at him when he did his best.  I asked him if he'd forgive me, and he did, with those dreaded, precious tears in his eyes.  I held him tight and tried to choke back the sobs that were forcing their way up my throat.

  I, the one person who is supposed to protect my children from bullies, had become the bully.  I was horrified and heartbroken by my actions.  The beautiful thing in all of this, is that my child showed me the love and grace that Jesus extends to us.  My son forgave me and loved me, even when I hurt his feelings.  He chose to be forgiving and mature and it absolutely makes my heart soar.  He forgave me before I could even begin to forgive myself.  This, friends, is unconditional love.

  While I know that I have much work ahead of me to right this wrong, I know that my precious boy understands that I love him and I would go to the ends of the earth for him.  I have yet to meet a perfect parent, but I see so much perfection in the love a child has for his mother.  What a great example for all of us!  What a great testimony to the work the Lord can do on one's heart.  I was in clear need of an attitude adjustment today, and God used my boy to gently show me the way.  While painful, it was exactly what I needed.

  I can't take back how I reacted today, but I can learn from it and move on, remembering how precious and fragile my children's hearts are.  I really couldn't ask for better kids.  We're all continually learning and growing in this parent/child relationship.  None of us are well seasoned or experienced in this, and I am so blessed to have children with such willing hearts and tremendous patience to grow with.

  It's not easy admitting when you've messed up.  It's even harder when you share it with people who weren't involved.  Know that if you are having a rough go of it, or if you're just trying to get through today, there are others going through similar situations.  Allow God  to help you through it.  He may soften your heart in the most unexpected ways.  Open your heart to Him, hear His voice, and forgive yourself for your mistakes.  With forgiveness comes joy, and with joy comes hope for a better tomorrow.  Be blessed today, friends!!!

~Em

Hold Close The Ones You Love

  This day in age, it's so easy to find little pieces of joy through stories, pictures, and videos found on the internet.  My Facebook newsfeed is flooded with many positive posts every day.  I lived for those little smiles and for the cleansing tears they would bring.  I began to crave the depth and the emotions that would come from reading them.

  It's so easy to get caught up in all of that and sort of shut the rest of the world out.  It's so easy to focus on the family you live with and neglect your friends and extended family.  This past few days have been a real eye opener for me.  I've come to realize that I've been living in a bubble with Jeff and the kids, only to come out here and there, so as not to completely dismiss the outside world.  I love our little bubble.  It's safe and cozy and there's no threat here.  There's very little risk in being a family and putting your all into your husband and children.

  But, sad to say, in doing this, I have really jipped myself of many blessings and many memories I could have had with friends, cousins, and aunts and uncles.  It's not that I haven't had great times in the past few years with some really good people, it's just that I didn't put forth an effort when I should have.  I didn't extend nearly as many invitations, or accept those that were extended to me nearly as often as I should have.

  My side of the family has been dealing with some tough stuff lately.  It really got me thinking about where my priorities lie.  Of course, to put my husband and children ahead of the rest is important, but to keep others at such a distance is wrong.  While I can't take back the time that is lost, I am going to try my best to make new memories and form even closer bonds with the people I love.  I'm going to make more calls, send more texts, and open my door to my loved ones so we can truly get to know one another again.

  If you lose someone, your chance is over.  I don't want to miss out on that chance with all the wonderful people I have left.  I want to take after my Uncle Joe.  He has done what he could to keep in touch, and it is inspirational.  He sent postcards to his siblings in between visits.  Simple, sweet postcards, reminding them that he's thinking of them.  I received a couple here and there as well.

  My cousin, Heidi, has created a blog dedicated to Uncle Joe and his postcards.  His quick little messages, and her beautiful commentary really pulled at my heartstrings. If you'd like to read a bit of what she's posted, please click here to check out the blog.  Her "About the Postcard Writer" section is wonderful as well.

  As an introvert, I understand the need to keep people at a distance sometimes, just to have those moments of peace and quiet.  I've also experienced the ill-effects of completely shutting people out.  Now I see just how important it is to hold close the people you care about.  Our time here on earth is limited, don't let your life pass you by without living it fully. Don't let the years fly by without creating memories with the people near and dear to your heart.  Cherish each moment you have with your loved ones and live life to the fullest.

~Em