A Glimmer of Hope

  This week, I am going to write a bit about a very sensitive, hush-hush topic.  I'm going to give you a glimpse into the mind of someone who has gone through some very severe depression.  I thank the Lord every day that he brought me out of that dark time, but I will never forget~ and I don't want to, because I want to be sensitive to those who are going through a similar situation right now.

  I have struggled with depression on and off since I was a teen.  I mostly had rough patches now and again, but it was nothing that consumed me.  A little over two years ago, I was engulfed in hard core, dark, all-consuming depression.  It didn't let up until recently, but only for a few days at a time.  I felt as if I was drowning.  I was gasping for air with no hope in sight.  I felt that my struggle was invisible to most, so I tried to put on a good face for the world, because who wants to see the ugliness I was going through?

  God finally brought me out of that black pit and I have the greatest sense of freedom and pure joy! I have had some sad days brought on by difficult situations since my breakthrough, but that dark cloud that hovered over me has lifted and LIFE has taken its place.

  I'm not going to pretend that life from here on out is going to be a constant state of happiness and care-free days.  I'm not that naive.  However, I am hell-bent on protecting myself and my loved ones from the misery I was in over the past couple years.  The depression that consumed me not only affected my life, but it burst through me to grab hold of my marriage and poke at my kids.  I lost some friendships along the way as well.  It's ironic that when someone goes through such a dark time, a time where solid relationships are so crucial, that you find yourself so alone.  This is not my attempt to blame anyone but myself, as while in my embarrassing state of mind, I pushed many, many people away.

  There is so much guilt associated with depression, especially when you have a spouse and children.  You should be happy.  You have so many reasons to live each day with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.  This guilt sent me in a downward spiral that I never thought I'd recover from.

  It took everything in me to do the day to day things, but by God's grace, the important things got done.  I could tell my kids were careful around me.  They could see that I was hurting. They would cuddle with me on the couch and play happily nearby, but I could always see in their eyes that they were assessing the situation to see what state of mind I was in at that very moment.  It breaks my heart that they had to see me that way.  I never ever stopped loving on them, caring for them, or putting my all into raising them, but that certain sparkle a mom usually has was missing.

  They are living with a whole new mom today.  They see that the sparkle is back.  They see I'm whole.  The vibe in our house is completely different: Now there is genuine laughter.  There is hope. I once again feel worthy to be my children's mother.  I feel like I am worthy of being loved by my husband.  It is wonderful beyond words.  Had you asked me about my worth just 6 months ago, I would have been stumped to find something positive to say about myself.  I was that far gone.  But the Lord is steadfast.  He never gives up on us, even if we give up on ourselves.  He is always waiting, always reaching for us.

  Just admitting to the darkness that overwhelmed me is draining.  No one wants to admit they're anything but happy, let alone that they could barely function most days. But I know that if there is someone out there who needs to know that there is hope for a better life, that there is freedom from the bondage of depression, I need to put myself out there.  I need to be a voice for the hopeless, because I know all too well what that feels like.

  There is so much judgement that comes from those who don't understand what you're going through, especially if you are a Christian.  I've been told that I wasn't putting enough into my relationship with the Lord and that is why I was depressed. I've been told that I wasn't focusing enough on the positive things in my life.  Let me tell you one thing.... guilt trips are NOT going to pull someone out of this.  Placing the blame is going to cause more harm than good.  If you know someone who is depressed, just be there for them.  Pray for them.  Only give counsel when you know what they're going through.  If you don't have experience with serious, consuming depression, you don't  need to say anything.  Encouragement, hugs, and a listening ear will lift a person's spirits much higher than unsolicited advice.

  If you are struggling with depression today, please know that my heart is with you.  I am no expert in "recovery," but I have (all too recently) been in your shoes and I  know for a FACT that there IS HOPE!  Don't give up on yourself!  You are worth happiness and peace.  God wants joy and goodness for you.  He hurts when you hurt and he laughs with you when you are happy.  He never stopped cradling me all those times I cried myself to sleep.  He never stopped caring for my family when I felt I had failed them.  You are LOVED, even when you feel unlovable.

  If you need a listening ear, I am here.  If you want prayer, I'm already praying for you.  Don't give up, keep pushing through! If you feel that counseling will help you, seek it out.  Do seek the Lord, but please don't start blaming yourself for your pain.  Surround yourself with people who love you.  Let them in.  Blocking people out will only bring loneliness. Let your loved ones love on you. Allow the Lord to hold you and to speak to you. You are worth much more than what you've been going through. You are worth joy. You matter.  Peace is near and hope is real.  Love and hugs to you.

Em

P.S.  I want to thank those who carried me along while I struggled: My parents, my in-laws, my siblings, and those precious, close friends.  God had an obvious part in this... He takes the cake! I especially want to thank my children for loving me when I was unlovable and for being my reason to live and push myself to get through this.  And my husband, most of all.  Jeff, you are my rock.  You stood by me when most men would throw up their hands and leave.  I put you through hell and you never gave up on me.  Many husbands can learn from you and your commitment to me.  You are incredible, Jeffrey.  I love you!