Real Talk

I haven't felt like writing in a while. Truthfully, it's been a challenge to juggle all the responsibilities that are on my plate right now, and blogging was one of the last things I wanted to do.  It's hard to want to encourage others when you yourself feel like you don't have it all together. So I apologize for that, because I really do believe that when you are having a rough go of it, or even if things are good, but life is busy, it's so important to keep up with the connections and find strength in your friendships.

I tend to close myself off to pretty much everyone when I'm down and out.  I guess calling what I'm dealing with "down and out" is too harsh.  I'm happy.... just overwhelmed with life, if that makes sense.  I guess I just need to sit down and rate my priorities, set some boundaries, and see what changes need to be made to get me to a place where I am no longer overwhelmed, but overjoyed with my schedule and the activities set in place for my family (and myself).

I'm not here to complain, just to be real, because I know that there isn't a whole lot of real these days.  Not the real that can be encouraging anyway.  So I aim to encourage not only the people who read this post, but myself as well.  We always get through these times.  We always find the balance once more.  The balance will become topsy turvy again, and then we will do what we need to to set it straight for the umpteenth time.  It's just a part of life.

There are so many exciting things happening for our kids, especially.  We've been enjoying homeschool co-op.  I have no idea how we pushed through without such a connection the past couple years, but we are absolutely loving this great group of homeschoolers and all the fun we have with them every other week.  The kids just tried Awana for the first time the other night.  The girls LOVED it and the boys need to warm up to the idea a bit more.  I think they had much more fun than they let on.  They were just being tough and manly about their enthusiasm. ;)

We've got all the holidays coming up, as you know, so there is so much fun in store.  Wesson has a birthday....which could be the very reason I'm in a funk lately.  I don't want my baby to graduate to the next chapter in life... not yet anyway. haha

We're looking to move soon.  Hopefully by spring.  If we don't move before the dead of winter, then we'll stay put until moving makes sense again.  This is another thing that is weighing heavy on me.  I feel so unsettled.  I've always felt that way to a degree.  I'm not sure what it feels like to be at complete peace with where we live and to truly feel "at home" in any given house.  I hope that I can experience that feeling when we finally find our next home.  We definitely know what we do and don't want at this point in our lives.  We've moved a LOT and we've lived in many types of homes on many types of properties.  Where we are now is most definitely NOT where we want to settle.  Not that I have license to complain.  I have a pretty kitchen, my own bathroom, and the fact that we have a roof over our heads means we're crazy blessed.  So my first world problems should probably shut their yap.

I think that maybe my problem is that I'm struggling to dream, and dreaming is just a huge part of who I am and what I do.  It's how I've always been.  I've always been a dreamer and a planner.  I need to find that bit of hope... hope that the dreams Jeff and I have for our family are just around the corner.  I really don't have big dreams, but they have been just out of reach for so long, that I'm struggling to believe we'll grab hold of them at all.  How depressing am I being right now, really? lol

Anyway, I know that most people have felt this way at one point or another, and I know that challenges will come up time and time again. We just need to remember to adjust our focus.  We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, and let Him lead us through the rough waters.  We need to TRUST that everything will work out for the good, because God wants good for us.

So many things are coming against me and my mission to keep that dreaded depression monster at bay.  I know a lot of people would say to get over it or to do such and such to snap out of it, but I'm sorry to say, that's just not how it works for those of us who truly struggle with this regularly.  I went for so long without these feelings trying to creep back in, but this is a fight I'm in the midst of... right now... at this very moment.

The darkness hasn't taken over.  I'm on the edge, but I'm fighting a good fight.  I'm pouring all of my energy into the positive things in my life ~ my husband, my kids, my love for my YL business, the new friendships I'm absolutely geeked over, the positive changes that have been improving my family's life bit by bit.  I'm doing my best to shake the monster off my back and jump back into life all happy-go-lucky and bubbly-like.

I think a lot of this is postpartum nonsense.  Seriously, guys.... postpartum recovery in my thirties is a sloooooow process compared to the last four babes I had.  The fatigue (maybe having to do with the fact that my baby still wakes around the clock), the brain fog, the sloth-paced movements my body makes.... it all adds up and I am struggling not to get down on myself for not bouncing back right away.

I don't seek out sympathy, or advice.  I've been here before.  :)  I just want to be honest and real and raw and show you that even those of us who thrive when encouraging our friends... those of us who live to brighten someone's day.... even we have our rough seasons.  Even we find the need to step back and just "be" for a while.  I rarely find myself in a position where I feel like I'm 100% on top of life.  Okay... I never do.... and I rarely come close.  It's just what it is.  Life isn't easy, and we all have our burdens to carry and our battles to fight.  This is just a little glimpse into mine.

So now that you see I haven't conquered life on earth and destroyed the imperfections, I want to come back around to that ray of sunshine I strive to be for you.  I know that things will get better.  I've lived through this sort of thing time and time again.  I know that I will not allow the darkness to swallow me up like I did a few years ago.  I know that I am much stronger today than I was back then.  AND, most importantly, I know that if you have connected with anything I've shared tonight, YOU TOO can beat this!  You too CAN pull through.

I am praying for my friends who are going through similar situations.  My heart is aching for those who have it worse.  I am lifting you all up and handing you all over to the ONE and ONLY ONE who can wash away your pain, your stress, your sorrow... He is going to carry you through.  I promise.

Love to you all, and thank you to those of you who have always been supportive of me... in my good times and bad.  You mean the world to me.  You know exactly who you are!  <3

Lots of love,
Em

Starting Our Day the Right Way

Who are YOU?

    This is for the moms who lead lives that are less than perfect.... and who aren't afraid to admit it, because really, those who have got it "all together" wouldn't be looking for encouragement or advice anyway, right? ;)

    We often only see the good... the seemingly perfect parts of others' lives on social media.  We see the perfectly groomed children in their carefully selected outfits.  We see the moms, with their perfectly styled hair, their fresh manicures, with their makeup ~ done to a degree worthy of a red carpet walk.

    We read posts of the accomplishments, the highs, the envy-provoking aspects of others' lives.

    What we often don't see are the temper tantrums, the frizzy haired mom with black bags under her eyes, the messy kitchens and the spit-up stains.  We don't see the tears rolling down the cheek of the parent who has been stretched to their limit for the hundredth time that week (or even that day).  We don't see the heartache that comes from various circumstances in their lives.  We don't see the fears other parents experience from raising their children in a dark and scary world.

    I am blessed to know so many real parents, who aren't afraid to keep it real.  I'm so happy to see that I'm not alone in my imperfect world.   That is why I make it my mission to post not only the good moments... not only the photos of myself at that perfect angle, wearing the perfect outfit, sporting the perfect amount of mascara... I'm no longer afraid of posting the real... the messy.... the embarrassing moments.

    That's not to say I won't reserve some of the hairy ordeals for my immediate family, but really, why are we always trying to hide?  What is the motivation behind only posting what we view as perfection?  Are we secretly trying to make others jealous?  Are we trying to appear as though we've got all our stuff together, for fear of being judged?

    I challenge you to let go of your fears, and to especially let go of that deep down, secret need to one-up your friends and acquaintances.... I challenge you to be real.  Be raw.  Be vulnerable.  People can connect with you much easier when you are open and less-than-perfect.  People can respect real... people can't respect someone who is fake as all get out! {Let me just tell you now... people can sniff out a sham a mile away.  We aren't fooling anyone.}

    So be real.  Bear your heart if you want to.  Ask for help if you need it.  Share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Reserve what you wish, but don't close your true self off to the world in order to create an image that is clearly not you.

    I love Jesus... a LOT.  I mess up... a LOT.  I've had so many fears of talking too much about Him and being judged for not living up to whomever's standards of the "Christian" lifestyle.  I've had so many fears of admitting I just don't have it all together, and that I sin in one way or another DAILY.... for fear of being called a hypocrite.  SO.... let's just get this out of the way.... YES.  I CAN be a hypocrite.  YES... I can walk a path that doesn't align with the next Christian's path.  NO... I am in no way the ultimate Christian example... but I sure as heck am going to keep working on my walk with the Lord... and I'm going to keep aiming to please HIM (not you, or a pastor, or anyone else).  It doesn't matter how often I mess up... Jesus is right there to pick me back up and brush away the dirt.
   
    When you are real, you will face judgment from others.  But I have news for you.... when you put up a front... you're still facing judgment.  Who would you rather be?  What would you rather be judged for?  Wouldn't you rather be you and ignore the haters, or are you going to continue walking through life, trying to keep everyone happy... trying to impress every person who looks your way.... needing to show the world a you that isn't really "you".... do you REALLY want to put all your efforts into such a strenuous task?  I sure don't.

    I encourage you to seek out those who are genuine, unique, the REAL DEAL, and befriend them.  Find out how they tick... grasp on to the encouragement they offer, and learn from them.  Don't become like them, unless they are much like who you are, but glean from that wisdom they extend and learn to become comfortable in your own skin.

    I can tell you, that I sleep better, I feel better, I am at peace when I am ME.  The ME that GOD created me to be.  So I encourage you to dig deep and cultivate the person you were meant to be.  Allow your true self to blossom forth and gift the world with a true and unique individual.  We will all benefit more from knowing TRUE, real, AMAZING people, rather than replicas and robots.

    The choice is yours... who are YOU going to be?

Derp! Duh! *Facepalm*

    You know those "DING! light bulb!" moments?  The ones where it ALL becomes so clear that you most definitely need to make a change in one or more areas of your life?  Well, I had one of those moments last night... a really big one.  Won't you take a little stroll with me as I share my mind happenings with you?

*Okay, I realize reading and strolling might not be a good idea... grab a coffee and a seat instead.  Or water. Or tea. Or juice.  I'm not picky.  Actually, I am at this hour ... but hey, drink whatever you want.  I'm having coffee. ;)

    So I try to be encouraging to others.... positive for them as they tackle the hard things in life.  I realized just how opposite I tend to be when it comes to my thoughts and outlook on my own life.  What a hypocrite, eh? lol  I kid, sort of.  Anyway.... I need to make a huge change in my thoughts and my attitude.  For the sake of my husband's nerves, for the sake of my children's developing brains, and for the sake of my sanity.

    You know those sayings, "don't sweat the small stuff" and "no use crying over spilled milk"?  Yeah.  I've totally been rebelling against that advice for who-knows-how-long.  It's quite ridiculous, actually.  I know I'm full of hormones, what with nursing a baby and being in my 30's (seriously... it takes so much longer to rid yourself of pregnancy brain when you're in your 30's vs. your 20's.  I know this because I've had babies in both  ?!decades?!  and I bounced back much faster with my first four kids... minus some hiccups along the way after Ella was born).  But hormones are not excuse enough for one's outlook on life and attitude toward pretty much everything known to man.

    To give you an example of what my strong, committed husband goes through, let me talk about my night time Facebook newsfeed adventures.  I scroll along merrily, come across some political or parental rights or other similar controversial post/article/rant, and I have to share every thought and feeling that comes to mind, with Jeff, who worked all day in the hot sun and just wants to watch tv and drink a cold one in peace and quiet for a few stinkin' minutes.  But Nooooooo.  That won't do.  I am full of womanly rage at all these happenings that go against every fiber of my being.  He needs to hear me out, and he must not desire for me to simmer down, because loud noises might just escape my mouth.... louder noises than the disgust that is already spewing all over the ears of the poor, innocent man who chose to spend the rest of his life with me.

    Aren't you super glad you don't live here?  You are blessed, I tell ya.  Blessed by the Good Lord above.  

    Another outstanding example for ya.... I am a disorganized perfectionist.  It is a hard burden to carry, but I suppose someone has to do it.  Now, what this means is that I need everything to be neat and orderly to function.... but when I can't function properly, things become... not-so-tidy ..... so my mind explodes!  Top that off with four mobile children who are sweet, but messy little boogers and one child who has got to be eating every last bit of my energy every 2-3 hours, and you have a recipe for disaster.

     Now, here's an example of such an instance...

Me: I think I shall relax now.  Nurse my sweet little Wesson, scroll through Facebook on my phone (RED FLAG>>>see above), maybe watch a little Storage Wars on Netflix... enjoy these few moments of rest while I can.  *looks around* (BAD IDEA!)

House: "Muwahahahahaha!" (you get that this is an evil laugh, right?)  
"See the filth with your eyes, tired mother.  See these toys over here.... they're ready for your sensitive feet to step on.  See those nasty, food-caked dishes just staring you down in the sink over there?  They want to EAT YOUR SOUL.  Look at all those tiny papers cut into nice little pieces of confetti... scattered throughout the house just enough to make your skin crawl.  Sink further into the couch now.... those worn out springs are going to swallow you whole.  You will never escape!  Your bedroom you've been meaning to organize?  Those clothes you meant to put away last week?  Not going ANYWHERE.  They are taunting you..... they enjoy poking at your last nerve.... knowing that you've got more important things to do like feed the baby and teach those children.  I'm going to steal every last bit of joy from you.  You will never win!!! Muwahahahahahahahaha! Haha! Ha! HA!"

Me: Where are the matches?  I want to burn it all and start over! (obviously I don't want to burn my husband or my precious children.  I love them.  LOVE LOVE LOVE my babes.  But all of our belongings?  Sure! Torch 'em!)  Okay, don't torch the stuff.  We'll donate it, for crying out loud.

    So much negativity bombarding my brain throughout the day... all day, every day.  I may relax physically while sitting down to nurse my little love, or when I go to sleep at night, but my mind never seems to settle.

    Well, I've had enough.  I'm sick of the negativity.  I'm sick of sweating the small stuff.  I'm sick of the messes, but I am determined to put a positive spin on everything I possibly can, so that I can be that joyful, cheerful, bubbly person I used to be.... I want to be my true self.... not the 'self' that the burdens of this world have enabled me to become.

    Do you ever struggle with any of this, my sweet mama friends?  The good news is that you're not alone in this.  The FANTASTIC news is that we're not going to enable each other anymore, kapish?  Let's lift each other up in these times of stress, weariness, and chaos.  Let's help each other see the light... the positive in everything, so that living life is a bit easier.  We want to breathe, and smile... genuine, beaming, beautiful smiles, don't we?  :)

    So let's take our negativity to God.  Hand it over in exchange for that positive outlook we so desperately need.  Embrace the new, sunshiney 'tude and kick that Debbie Downer Dumpy Doo Doo crapitude to the curb.  If you're feeling overwhelmed with life... turn to those friends you know who will bring some sparkle to your eyes and who will encourage you to think happy thoughts.  Avoid those friends who will bring you down.  Sorry gals, I love ya... so stinkin' much, but this mama has GOT to get her stuff together... and the "wah wah wahs" and "boo hoo hoos" have got to GO!

    I want to hear from YOU!  What do you do to combat negative thoughts?  How do you maintain a positive outlook on life?  Do you turn to the Lord in ALL things?  Prayer and reading of the Word?  Do you have that one friend who will always bring a smile to your face?  Is there an encouraging blog you like to read to ground your feet and lift your spirits?  I want to hear about it all!  I'm all about the JOY and HAPPINESS tips you bring to the table.  Let's encourage each other and get ourselves out of the dumps.


    Have a POSITIVELY HAPPY HAPPY JOY JOY AMAZING SUPER FANTABULOUS day, friends! (How's that for some positivity? See... I'm moving in the right direction!)

~Em

 *Little side note edit: As I was typing out my thoughts, I remembered quite a few times where this revelation smacked me upside the head.  Isn't it funny how we often learn the same lessons over and over and over again?  Jesus has His work cut out for Him.... yet He loves us so much that He is willing to put His wisdom on repeat.... so we can find that true joy in Him.  LOVE the things the Lord speaks to me!  

Precious Life is Worthy of Loving Supporters

    My heart is so heavy.  I wasn't going to speak on any of what is being passed around in regard to the Planned Parenthood happenings.  Not because I don't have an opinion.  Not because I agree with any of it (I DO NOT).  I was going to keep my trap shut for the sake of the feelings of the many women I know and love who have had abortions.

    I've been pretty quiet on the topic for the past couple years.  I didn't know how to defend the lives of those sweet innocent unborn babies without crushing the spirits of the women who have regrettably gone through with such procedures.  So, if you are a woman who has had an abortion.... know that I love you, so much.  I feel for you.  My heart aches for you if you are struggling with the choices you made.... but I can't sit by quietly when lives are in jeopardy.

    I'm always prayerfully seeking out the right words to say in regard to such a sensitive topic.  I am 100% in favor of all babies having a chance at life.... those who are found to have disabilities, those conceived in rape, those who are purely an inconvenience to the mother... all of them.  I don't want to get into all of this because I have this need to debate and argue with those who disagree with me.  I just want to speak on behalf of those who have yet to find their voice, and for those who never had the chance to speak.

    I've never had an abortion.  I was a prime candidate for an abortion, in the eyes of the industry, fourteen years ago.  I had this totally cute boyfriend.  I just graduated high school.  I had my whole life ahead of me.  I had a rep to protect.  The summer after graduation, I found out I was pregnant.  It was a shock.  I didn't know how to tell my parents.  I didn't know what life would be like from that point on, but I did know one thing... I was not going to take away my baby's right to life.  Abortion never made its ugly way into my thoughts.

    Life was hard, from that point on.  That boyfriend (now husband) and I had/have big responsibilities on our plates.... but it was also freeing... freeing because I knew I had made the right decision.  Freeing because I knew the value of that tiny little being growing inside me.

    Life changed when my son was born.  There has been a lot of trial and error.  There have been many tears shed.  There have been a few scares here and there.  There has also been so much love that I feel my heart could burst.  There has been laughter and cuddles and growth and overwhelming joy.  Had I gone in to have an abortion, I would have wiped all of that away in one fell swoop.  Had I taken away my son's right to live, there'd be a huge hole not only in my heart, but in this world.  Sure, Heaven would have gained an incredible blessing, but that was not, nor will it ever be my choice to make.

    I was also that baby of a prime candidate for abortion.  I was conceived by a young, unmarried woman.  She could have easily chosen to rid the world of my presence.  Depending on who you talk to, some say she made the right choice.... I'm here, so I'm sure you're picking up on the life-choice she made. ;)  She knew she couldn't care for me the way I needed or deserved, so she placed me up for adoption and I was raised by the best parents on the planet.  Had she decided that adoption was too much of a risk, or that I could end up being a horrible person some day~so she best not endanger society~I wouldn't exist... my kids wouldn't exist.... and boy, am I glad she gave me the right to grow up and have a family of my own.

    I've read some, and watched some, and pondered some, mostly while nursing my newest sweet angel baby.  There was one story I read of a woman who lived with deep regret over an abortion she had.  As she told her story, through beautifully written word, I held my baby close and sobbed.  No woman should ever have to go through that.  I realize she made that choice, but I believe many women make this type of decision out of fear, or misinformation.

    Some women say they feel no regret for choosing to abort their baby(ies).  I have thoughts on that... maybe they don't fully grasp what has taken place, maybe they aren't being honest about their feelings, maybe they really don't care... I don't know, but I do know that Jesus still loves these women, and He wants to extend His grace and mercy to them, if only they'll confess their sins and accept Him.

    The thing that frustrates me almost as much as the pro-choice stance, almost as much as the arguments they sling at pro-lifers, is the hatred some of my fellow pro-lifers have for women who have aborted their babies.  Yes, there are truly detestable people out there, who need a good verbal smack down, but to lump all post-abortion women into one category is wrong.  Many live with enough regret to last their entire lifetime... they don't need our judgement or those verbal stones thrown at them.  Simmer down and love on them already.  Jesus is willing to forgive us for all the horrific crap we do, so what makes us think these women are unforgivable?  He died for ALL... because ALL have fallen short of His GLORY.  ALL.... ALL SINS.... ALL PEOPLE.  ALL.

    Anyway, this is part of the reason I try not to speak... I go on a rampage and have a hard time straightening up my act.  Working on it.

   The point is, abortion is a detestable thing.  Let's fight that... let's fight the act and give people the information they need to hear.  Also, let's show the women, and even the people who work in the industry the love of Jesus.  When hate is thrown at me, I shut down.  I'm turned off to whoever (or is it whomever? whatever) is speaking.  I want nothing to do with them or their ideologies.  But when someone speaks to me in love, and has a passion for their beliefs, rather than an agenda to chop mine up into bits, I'm more apt to hear the words they're speaking and open my heart and mind.

    So yes, please... make people aware of the atrocity that abortion is, but do so with love for those unborn babies, love for the women who are in tough situations, and love for those who "know not what they do."  Hate should play no part in a movement that places such high value on the sanctity of life.

Love to you all.

~Em

*A Challenge for my Friends*

    There's so much happening in the world today that has people on edge.  I especially notice it in the Christian community.  It seems everyone, from all walks of life are feeling persecuted in some way.  People are offended by so many things that the verbal wars run rampant. Others are terrified for their safety - their lives - because of terrorism, natural disasters, and what many have been calling "the signs of the times."

    As I scrolled through my newsfeed, tonight, I began to weep.  I cried because my heart is heavy and broken.  I can only imagine what God is feeling.  There are so many things I see that hurt me to my core.... and some that don't, but probably should.  This world is chaos.  This world is scary.  There are no guarantees.... the horrible possiblilities are infinite.

    Children are being taken from loving, stable homes because of parents who think outside the box.  Others are being left in unsafe homes, despite obvious signs of abuse and neglect.  People are fighting over the definition of marriage.  Innocent unborn human lives are being killed and tossed in the trash daily.  Women and children are being trafficked into unimaginable forms of slavery (what type of slavery isn't?).  The right to bear arms is being debated because of criminals who commit heinous crimes.  We're fighting over flags and symbols and food while our country crumbles beneath our feet.

   I wanted to throw in the towel.  I wanted to say "to hell with it all" and hide in a cave somewhere.  But the Lord tugged on my heart..... my imperfect, often bitter, sinful, broken, yet willing heart.  He reminded me that we must cast all our cares upon HIM.  He loves us.  He loves us despite our sinfulness, brokenness, wretchedness.  He sees His creation.  He sees through the ugliness and finds the beauty in His children.  He desires that we all allow Him to cleanse us.... He desires that we all seek FREEDOM in Him.  He wants to extend His grace and mercy, if only we'll accept it.

    We all obviously have very strong convictions on many topics.  Things get heated.  Friendships get ruined.  I noticed I've lost a few friends recently, and I haven't said much about anything lately other than what life is like with my husband and kiddos.  Maybe I've said a few things here and there, but man, I try my best to say everything out of love.... yet my words, too, are offensive to some.  You know, that's okay.  While part of me has this desire to keep everyone happy and to keep the peace, maybe I'm just not the best sort of friend for all the people in the world.... and maybe all the people in the world just aren't the best sorts of friends for me.

    In the midst of all these crumbling friendships, various mini-battles, and other happenings that tend to bring us down.... I challenge you, those friends I do have left, to walk in love.  Whether you are a believer or not, whether you're gay or straight, republican, democrat, black, white, purple, fat, thin, rich, or poor.... keep your convictions, speak highly of the things you believe in, but walk in love.  LOVE.

    We don't have to agree on everything to love each other.  Right?  I mean, my husband and I don't agree on everything.  We agree on most things, but sometimes we disagree.  That doesn't mean I'm going to unfriend him on Facebook and throw a tantrum and spew words of hate at him..... well, okay, I may have messed up and done one or two of those things, one, or a few times.... but the point is ~ we still love each other.  That might not be the best example, seeing as we made vows to stick together for life.... but the same can be applied to most of my friendships.  Those that aren't worth keeping can fizzle out, peacefully.... but there's no need to shake my finger in their face, threaten to unfriend them if they don't see things my way, and act juvenile over every little issue every.single.day.

    If you must choose different paths from those you know, do so quietly.... lovingly. If you can overlook your differences.... even better!  Life is too short for me to hate on those who have different opinions.  Life is too valuable for me to waste my time arguing with people of opposite views.  I want to change lives for the better, not beat my opinions into them.  I want to encourage, uplift, and strengthen others.... I don't want to be the cause of stress, anxiety, or defeat in another person's life.

    If you have different views than me, know that I love you.... Jesus loves you (even if you don't believe in Him), and I send you hugs.... You are cherished by the One who created you.  You are loved ever so much.  You are valued.  You are amazing.

~Em
 

Frizzy Hair and Lotsa Coffee

  I'm tired.  Tired to the point where I forget simple words and everything becomes "that thing" when I'm trying to communicate with my family.  My temper is in beast mode.  My patience has left the building.  My guilt is off the charts regularly throughout the day. I mean really... I have quite a few kids....a teenager and a baby included in the bunch.  Need I say more?

 Have you ever been there?  Bending to the point of breaking? I believe all mothers go through cycles of elation, frustration, exhaustion, excitement, hopelessness, hopeFULness, pure joy, failure, and the list goes on.  There is nothing wrong with feeling out of sorts.  We are human.  The beauty in those times of imperfection is that we have an incredible Father who takes over.... He carries us through those times of trouble, heartache, and sleeplessness.  He gifted us with our beautiful, sometimes incredibly trying children, and He wants us to succeed, even when He needs to step in and take over for a while.

  I've had to chant "this too shall pass" so many times lately, that I think I've actually worn the phrase out.  I've had to ask forgiveness of my kids numerous times.  I'm honestly wondering if something is a bit off with my husband... because he's standing strong by his frizzy haired, sailor cursing, caffeine addicted, black-bag-eyed, sleep deprived, slumpy dumpy wife through all of my trials.  He's either a saint on a mission from God, or I've broken him as well. Either way, I'm glad he's taking our wedding vows seriously.  ;)

  I don't say this to talk down to myself or to complain about where I'm at in life.  I am grateful for my life, and the people in it... even if I'm in a time of trial and the need for growth.  I say all of this to show you that we all go through it.  There is not one perfect mama.... not one perfect family out there.... even though we are in a world that often likes to mask the imperfections and show our happy, charming sides to the people who see us.

  This seems to be a recurring theme in my life... and this blog.  But you know?  I often need the reminder... and maybe you do too.  We need to embrace those moments of peace and calm.  Kiss on our babies' cheeks.  Snuggle for five more minutes.  Ignore that ugly pile of dishes and take a cat nap on the couch while the kiddos watch that episode of Jessie for the umpteenth time.  We need to do what it takes to survive during those cycles of not so happy times and then truly grab hold of our times of happiness, ease, and utter divineness.  Is that even a word?  Well, it is now! ;)

  If you are as tired as I am... I raise my mug of strong kick-in-the pants coffee to you... and I send hugs and smiles your way.  You're doing a fabulous job, sweet mama.  Your kids love you no matter what cycle you're going through right now.... even if you've become pals with good ol' raging hormonal Aunt Flo.... forgive yourself for being less than perfect and drink that coffee, watch that episode of Friends to get a good laugh in, or read that heartwarming book for a nice little cry... and remember that goodness and mercy are well on their way.  All of this is worth it in the end, don't you agree?

  I have five little souls and one hot bearded hubby who remind me every day that this is the best gosh darn life ever.  Trials and all.  And you know what?  I wouldn't trade these sleepless nights or sticky, loud, chaotic days for the world.

  Gotta go.... my next cuppa coffee is calling me.

xoxo
~Em

Thoughts from a Cover-using Nursing Mother

   Before I dig in to the point of this post, I do want to say that I have friends of all kinds.  Friends who nurse without covers, friends like myself who prefer to cover up, and friends who bottle feed their babies.  None of these friends are wrong... and none are more right than the next.  They are all amazing women who love their babies more than life itself, and are doing what mothers are meant to be doing.... loving, feeding, and caring for their offspring.  It is a beautiful thing.

    Five years ago.... nursing with a cover seemed to be the norm.  I didn't hear much otherwise on the topic.  I nursed my baby with a cover, without shame, and that was that.  No guilt.  No mommy wars over such a thing... at least not in my circles.

     Fast forward to today, and the war is ON!  Never in my mommyhood life have I ever felt more insulted over feeding my baby the way that makes me comfortable.  It is a shame that moms who are fighting for their rights to feed their babies however they please are also throwing their fellow nursing mothers under the bus.  Whether intentionally or not, it has become an issue.

     I don't have a bone to pick with anyone who feeds their baby.  If you don't use a cover.... that's your right.  If you want to cover up.... you have every right to do so.  If you bottle feed.... you have that right as well.  Shouldn't the important thing be that we are all feeding our babies because we love them so stinkin' much?!  Apparently, to many women, that's not the important thing... they may claim it is.... but they speak a whole different "truth" when they poke fun at, or downright insult the way another mom chooses to feed her baby.

     I use a cover when I feed my baby.  I always have.  It is what makes me comfortable, and I don't feel like it takes away from the bonding experience at all.  I can still look down through the top of my cover and make eye contact with my baby.  I'm still snuggling with him while he eats.  He's comfortable and happy with or without a cover.  Yet, I am apparently a horrible, shame-filled mother who is embarrassed about the fact that I'm breastfeeding my baby because I choose to feed him this way?  I think not!

    I get what breasts were made for.  Mine do their job perfectly.  I also get that people in our society gawk at boobs.  For me, I'd rather comfortably nurse under a cover, because I want to reserve that part of my body for my babies and husband only.  It's what sits well with me.  I have that right to keep parts of my body under wraps.  I shouldn't have to feel ashamed for having my own personal convictions or my own take on what modesty should look like for me.  If that looks different for you, great!

      The point is, yes, you SHOULD keep fighting for your right to feed your babies when they are hungry, no matter where you are.  But can you please, for the love of God, stop throwing your fellow breastfeeding mothers under the bus if they nurse with a cover?  Stop making fun of the idea of a cover as if we are abusive, or ashamed of what we are doing, or as if we seek to complicate our nursing experiences.  In all reality, when people are around, my baby does better WITH a cover.  He gets to the task at hand instead of turning his head and exposing my entire boob for the world to see every time a tiny little noise reaches his ears.

     I will carry on, fighting the good fight and nursing my baby with pride, under my beautifully patterned nursing covers and you can carry on nursing your baby without... or while bottle feeding your baby with love and care... and we can all start high-fiving each other, knowing that we are all rocking this thing called motherhood.

     Next time you see a fellow mom feeding her baby (in any form), smile and nod, showing her you are proud of her for being such an amazing mom.  And stop making fun of each other, rolling your eyes at each other, or acting like high school MEAN GIRLS over something that makes us GROWN WOMEN.  Please and thank you.

     Happy Feeding!

~Em

10 Confessions from a Mom of "Many"

    It's funny to me that when I meet new people and they find out I have five kids, they assume I must be some sort of saint with the patience of Jesus and the love of all things Susie Homemaker.  Well, unfortunately I do not fall into either category, and while I've given up and allowed myself the freedom from bondage on many issues, there are some I desperately need to remedy.  So if you're feeling like you're the only mom out there who isn't so gosh darn perfect in every gosh darn way, this is for you.  You're welcome. ;)

1.  I have a love/hate relationship with cloth diapers.  Yeah, cue the gasps.  I adore the cuteness, the fluffy-ness, the "aww" factor.  I really do.  I have to hold myself back from buying more diapers because of this.  I see one with an adorable hard-to-resist pattern and my first instinct is to jump on that and throw it in my online cart.  The thing is..... I really think I am living in the right century.  I would have hardly skated by before disposables came along.  

    I cloth part time.  That "part time" status is becoming smaller by the week.  It's not that I don't care about our environment... or our hard earned cash.  It's that I am not fond of the extra laundry.  Some women claim it doesn't seem like that much extra to them, but it sure does to me.  I already have to re-wash loads of laundry because of my forgetfulness, so to have to wash these adorable little poop holders multiple times between each poop sesh is a bit much for my taste.  

    I love that I have these for those times when I run out of disposables and can't make a quick trip to the store to buy another box.  I love that my son looks so stinking fluffalicious in them.  I really really do.  I love how soft some of the covers are.  I hate how they flippin' leak at the first sign of pee.  (Speaking of... I've tried a few different brands.... Rumparooz covers are my favorite all around.... the leak factor isn't an issue, they are sturdy, they are cute.... but they don't seem as comfortable around the legs and waist as some other brands.  Overall.... if anyone ever asks.... Rumparooz are my favorite).  

    So I will carry on, cloth diapering at home...on the days I won't collapse at the thought of another darn load of laundry.... but I am not going to beat myself up over the fact that I don't bring them out on the town with my baby and I.  No guilt.  No shame.  Just part-time cloth diapering love and hate. ;)

2.  I have a love/hate relationship with all things crafty and "Pinteresty."  I thoroughly enjoy doing little crafts and projects with my kids.... sometimes.  But much of the time, I'm all about handing over that task to my ten year old daughter.... and she just eats it up, I tell ya.  I have not a single crafty bone in my body.... so my attempts at creating beautiful things worthy of a perfectly arranged photo are weak at best.  Give me the fun activities that require no art-filled talent and I'm your gal!  I'm all about using our imaginations.... and luckily so are my kids... because they need great imaginations to see what some of these crafts should look like when made by their dear old mom.  I used to feel guilty for not always enjoying this stuff... and inadequate because so many moms were so great at it... but I can't do that anymore. I'm going to embrace who I am as a mom and let go of that need to craft it up on the reg.... unless I really want to! 

3.  I have a love/hate relationship with doing things outside the home.  As a mom with five kids.... I have quite enough "busy" to last me a lifetime.  I love being at home.  I love doing stuff with the kids right here in the comfort of our own little nest.... or in the yard just outside our nest.  While field trips and play dates, and moms nights out are all sorts of fun, sometimes I feel burdened by it all and have to wipe my calendar clean, stay home with the hubby and kids and just be a family.  I will never be one of those moms who has her kids in every sport, club, and after school activity known to man.  I just won't.  My kids seem pretty fine with it.  My wallet seems pretty cool with it.  My husband doesn't seem to mind that I'm not frazzled and pulling my hair out at the end of each day (well, I kinda do that, but at least it's not EVERY day. ;) )  The point is..... I have enough busy to go around, and I am not complaining about that one bit, but to add to it is overkill unless that activity is truly worth all the hassle.  Most of the time, it isn't.  I used to feel inadequate over this too.  Not anymore.  

    You don't like that I find no joy in having to get myself all dolled up, get all the kids ready, load them up in the car, and drive to who knows where just to sit there and watch them do who knows what for who knows how long all to have the status of being a good mom who gives her kids a ton of amazing opportunities?  So sorry you feel that way.  

    

    I am what you might call a "commitment-phobe."  If an activity requires weekly attendance for an extended period of time..... nope.  If it is going to cost me an arm and a leg and cause turmoil in our house because not every kid gets to do it.... nope.  If it is going to cut into the fund for a family road trip... nope.  You get my point?  I see nothing wrong with being busy.... as long as my family is busy together, doing things in which we find value, all while not stressing over the hows, the wheres, and the whys of it all.  To be "busy" just to fit the status quo is just not my cup o' tea.  I make no apologies.  Not a one. ;)  Don't feel this is a jab at you, if you are one of those who thrive in a busy environment.  If you love it, good for you!!!  Sometimes I wish I did love the hustle and bustle of a full schedule outside the home.... I just don't.  :)

4.  I don't always enjoy cooking (I usually don't) and I despise grocery shopping.   My family is so lucky... no ~ blessed beyond belief.... that they have a Daddy and older brother who are amazing cooks and who actually enjoy the task.  Mommy is too unpredictable in this department.  When I get in a cooking mood... watch out!  Recipes are being made, food is being eaten, and fun is being had!  That doesn't happen often.  When I'm not in the mood and our two resident chefs are otherwise occupied, my family eats things like rice and stir-fried veggies or *gasp* take out or *gasp* sandwiches or *gasp* mac and cheese.  I like quick and easy.  Even if it's a tossed salad with tuna on top.  Here ya go kids, eat up!  

    Each season of life brings different feelings for me when it comes to cooking.  I get all fired up and want to bake pumpkin bread and make hot cider and get that crock pot out of the back corner of the pantry each fall.  When the first snow hits, hot chocolate and snow ice cream must be made.  I typically avoid cooking at all costs from mid-winter until hmmmm.... June, perhaps?  It's all about survival then.... getting all of our school days finished, keeping the kids from going bat poop crazy from being cooped up in the house, or enjoying the newly warm and sunny weather of spring while neglecting to remember that there is such a thing as dinner and *oh my gosh, it's seven o' clock, I need to make something for the kids to eat, QUICK!*  You catch my drift? So those "off" seasons for me are when Jeff and Hayden can really shine in the kitchen.  I hand over the control and let them have at it... with a big ol' smile on my face and a refreshing Dr. Pepper in my hand as I kick up my feet and enjoy a little snuggle with Wesson or a nice stare at the wall.

    I pretty much never enjoy grocery shopping.  I'm honestly surprised I don't break out in hives when I must go.  I LOVE making grocery lists.  I love the planning of a menu... but to go look through all the aisles, trying to find that one darn ingredient while keeping tabs on kids who want everything in sight and must touch e.ver.y.thing; while bouncing to keep the moby-wrapped baby happy and hoping that no one is judging me because my kids aren't keeping their hands on the cart and staying out of everyone's way.... to then stand next to a huge rack of candy while waiting to pay for the darn groceries before I have to hear one more "but puhleeeeaaase can I just have one treat, mom?"....... where was I?  Oh yeah... nope.  Can't say I enjoy it.  The thing I do enjoy about grocery shopping.... that sense of accomplishment when all the groceries are put away and all I have left to do is think about dinner..... okay, scratch that.  But grocery shopping is a fact of life, and while my hubby is so gracious and understanding and honestly does the shopping more often than not, I have to buck up and do it now and then, so hopefully some day, when all my kids become as easy to shop with as my eldest, it might be kinda fun... maybe... no? 

5.  I yell.  Not proud of it.  Not in the least, but it happens.  I guess I have this thing called a "temper" and things get me going.  It's not just a "bahhh" sort of yell.  It's a "I'm going to yell now, and every word I say is going to be loud so that I feel terrible about yelling once all is said and done" kind of yell.  Our neighbors must LOVE me.  It is something I'm working on.... and failing at... but I'll keep working on it until I get it right.  

    I had our fifth baby at home this past December.  It was one of the most incredible experiences of my life.  If we have more kids in the future, they will be born at home too.  All up until having him, I worried that I might be too vocal and scare the neighbors if they happened to be outside (mind you, this was just before Christmas, so I'm pretty sure there were no people hanging out on their decks, sipping cocktails and being incredibly inconvenienced by that crazy-loud hippie baby breeder).  

   I think I sort of made a semi-loud noise when I had Wesson.  I was all worried about it.  My husband so hilariously reminded me that our family makes more noise than I did while pushing the babe out of my body.  Which, as funny as it is, reminds me that I'm being a terrible example to our kids by how much I raise my voice.  I'm louder when I'm screeching over messes than I was while having a baby.  When that thought sunk in, it stung quite a bit, I must say.  Lots of work to do.  Far from perfection in this department. 

6.  My breastfeeding track record is pretty pitiful.   The longest I've gone so far was 11 months with my second child.  The others were 6 months, 8ish months, and 4 days.  Yep.  I am a huge fan of breastfeeding, but for one reason or another, it never lasted as long as I would have hoped for.  I have a feeling this time will be different.  I really hope so.  I used to hate myself over this.  I used to think I was broken, or unfit to be a mother if I couldn't provide the one thing my babies needed to survive for as long as many of the other moms I knew.  You know what?  My kids survived on breastmilk AND formula.... and they are thriving.... so there was no need for the self-loathing or for the allowing of other well-meaning moms' not so helpful but oh, so soul crushing comments to make me feel guilty.  

    Now I happen to be on the other end of the spectrum and still get to deal with unwanted comments.  No, I am not pumping or supplementing with formula yet.  No, we don't own a single bottle.  Yes, all is right in Wesson's world.  I mean, have you seen the adorably squeezable chunk of his thighs? 'Nuff said!

7.  I'm not a fan of other people's kids.  I know... this is the stuff evil is made of.  Don't get me wrong... I have no delusions that my children are perfect or that they are the best kids in the entire universe (although... they are the best kids in the entire universe for me!).  It's not that I dislike all other kids..... in fact, there are plenty of kids I absolutely adore.  I have just found that the list of kids I'd rather not hang around grows quite rapidly.  Whether it's just conflicting personalities, lack of parenting, lack of patience on my part, or whatever.... I'm just not that much of a kid person.  Ironic, isn't it? ;)  I will be sweet as pie, unless some kid bullies or endangers one of mine, but man, do I appreciate the kids I have after a visit to the park or museum.  Know what I'm sayin?  Or am I completely alone in this?  I should feel bad.... right?  My conscience must have moved out of the country..... do I even need to remedy this?  Back to the acting sweet as pie thing... that makes up for my distaste of naughty, entitled, unsupervised children, right? No? Huh? 

8.  I am NOT a morning person.  There have been a few times where I woke up all giddy and ready to tackle whatever the day would bring me... and even a few days in a row.  Enough days to have tricked me into thinking I may have been becoming a morning person.  But nope.  I am a night owl through and through.  People often make the assumption that because I have "so many kids" I must be a morning person.  Nut uh.  Not at all.  Don't talk to me until my first cup of coffee is gone.  Better yet, don't even look at me.  Okay, I'm not that bad... most days.  I love a good hug from my kiddos in the morning.... but save the cat fights and screeching for mom's second cup of coffee, please.  

    I have tried to change this numerous times.  I'm just not wired that way.  I want to want to get up in the morning, before the rest of the family to go on a run... or walk.... or crawl around the neighborhood. I want to want to get my devotions in before I see the whites of my kids' eyes, but it's just not happenin' for me.  My exercise will have to be whatever it is I do all day... don't even tell me it has to be anything different.  I'm okay with who I am, even if there's a whole lotta extra right now.  I'll get to the exercise when I get to the exercise.  Worry 'bout yourself.... ;) My prime time of day is the evening, and I'm totally okay with that.  

9.  I crave time alone.  I love love love my children with all my heart.  I love hanging out with them and doing school and life with them.  I love playing games, and snuggles, and watching movies, and breathing in the fresh air of the great outdoors with my kids.  There is just something in me that needs that down time by myself.  I am a huge fan of having little Netflix marathons at night after everyone has gone to bed.  It is my time to veg out, wind down, and allow myself to just enjoy "being."  Breathing, loving the opportunity to watch Friends without guilt, eating a snack without sharing.... ahhh.... the luxury.  I think, other than God's mighty hand, this is what keeps me going.  I'm able to recharge in my own way and it is wonderful.  We moms often feel guilty for desiring time alone.  We should want to love and dote on our precious little cherubs 24/7 like every other loving mom, right?  Newsflash~ I'm pretty sure every mom on the planet craves alone time... and if she doesn't.... she isn't human.  There's just no way. ;)

10.  I change my mind. A LOT.  If you go back and read the whole cloth diaper fiasco bit, you'll see.  I'm like that with almost everything.  

    I want to start a homestead, but FIRST I want to buy an RV and travel the country full time with Jeff and the kids so they have the opportunity to see and experience everything humanly possible before we miss out.... but maybe the homestead is more practical because really, five kids and two adults in a camper might get a little tight..... especially since I crave time alone.  I'm going to research the crap out of how to go about full time RVing anyway.  Just in case I change my mind again.  You get it?  This is my mind... all the time.  

    I love cloth diapering.  No I don't.  Okay, I love it.  Nah.... not for me.  We must do book based learning.  I think I like online programs better.  No, let's go back to books.  I'm sick of the clutter, let's go back to online learning.  I want to move closer to our families.  No.... let's move out of state.  But I miss living near our families.  Guh, but living down South is such a dream of mine.  Ooh, you know what we should do?  We should move up North! 

.......... I just figured out why I'm so gosh darn tired.  It has nothing to do with the kids at all. ;)

11.  I changed my mind..... again.  I have an 11th confession to make....  I love my husband and children more than life itself and I will go to great lengths to make sure we as a family are happy, healthy and whole.  Whether we use cloth diapers or not, no matter who cooks dinner or grabs takeout that night, whether we're in an rv or spread out over ten acres.... whether we continue on in life as a family of seven, or we add to our brood, whether we yell, or whisper "I love you,"  I will always always always cherish the amazing people God has placed in my care.  I will forever love the family I am so blessed to call mine.  And that, dear friends, is my greatest, most prized "confession." 

~Em

Don't Give Up ~ PRAY

    As I sat on my couch this morning, scrolling through Facebook on my phone, I became discouraged by the many posts that reminded me of the direction in which our country is headed.  We're losing our freedoms, bit by bit.  Riots happen left and right.  Political arguments become so heated that friendships can't survive the pressure.  We are a nation divided over every.little.thing and it absolutely breaks my heart.

    I wanted to give up on this country.  I have for a while.  I was losing all hope that things would ever change for the better.  As I sat there, scrolling, sulking, and sipping on my coffee, the wind picked up a bit outside my window, and my neighbor's flag started waving at me, as if to say, "Don't give up.  PRAY."

    You see, it is easy to head for the hills when things go wrong, especially when it comes to wanting to protect your family from threats that could pop that safe, happy bubble that surrounds them.  I wanted to run... I know that much.  The problem is, when you run.... you are motivated by fear.  The Bible tells us not to fear.  The Bible tells us to cast all our cares upon Jesus.  He is so powerful, so mighty, and loves all of us so much.

    While I will continue to fight for my freedoms, and stand up for what I believe in, I need to remember to pray like crazy for our country.  A country that has incredible potential.  A country that blesses us more than we understand, even in the midst of division, corrupt power, and battles of all kinds.  We must love the land we live in, through thick and thin.  We must pray for our people, our government (no matter how hard that may be for some of us, *cough cough*), and especially the generation who will take over after us.

    I will not operate out of fear.  I will defend my family and our rights.  I will stand up against the things that threaten our freedoms, but I will not run.  I will pray.  I will pray without ceasing, because I owe that to the country I call "home."

    Political unrest, mommy wars, disease, earthquakes, riots, lions, tigers, and bears have NOTHING over the power of the ONE who holds us in His hands.  He wants good for us.  Bring your fears and concerns to His feet.  Set them down, look into His eyes, cling to that comfort only He can provide, and find that peace that He so lovingly put into my heart today.  While the world erupts in chaos all around us, there is a calm when we put our trust in Jesus.

~Em

This Too Shall Pass

    The past couple days have been.... hard.  We all have those days, right?  Days that seem to throw everything at you and take nothing in return.  Days that aim to kill your spirit and leave you to clean up the mess.

    I've got hard choices to make, and I'm realizing that these difficult days will probably continue until I come to a decision.  It has been affecting my mood, which in turn has put quite the damper on my whole family.  The kids are behaving in a less than stellar way, our daily groove has faltered, and things just seem to stink in general.

    I decided to take a break from "the world," so to speak.  I'm taking today to just be with my family, do as little work as possible without letting things pile up, pray my little heart out, and journal the crap outta my feelings.

    I chose to hop on this incredible blog put out by the equally incredible leaders of my team this morning.  I don't hop on there every day, but today it was just meant to be.  I came across a post about staying motivated.  I haven't felt a lack of motivation when it comes to my business, but I have definitely felt a lack in other areas of my life, so I checked it out.  It was a great article.  Very motivating. ;)  I felt inspired.  I felt prompted to jump on the things I'd been neglecting.  I wanted to seize the day.  It was a great blog post.

    Then I came to the end.  I saw those four little words we all often see ~ "this too shall pass."  Today, those words meant a little more to me than they normally do.  Today, those words gave me hope and peace.  Sometimes those cliché sayings can really hit home, no matter how often you've heard them.

    This choice I must make will be made.  This burden I feel will be lifted.  These stressful days will fade away.  This too shall pass.

    If you're like me, and you find yourself facing rough waters, find comfort in those words.  Find comfort in these as well ~

"...Weeping may endure for a night,

                                     But joy comes in the morning."

(Psalm 30:5b)

    

    As I work through the things that weigh me down today, I'll be keeping you in my prayers as well.  The beauty of walking through this life full of good and hard days is that we don't have to walk alone.  Reach out to someone for comfort and guidance when you don't know what to do.  Turn to God and see what he says about your situation in His Word.  Use the abundant resources He has placed in your life to help you walk through your trials with your head held high and your spirit in tact.  Love to you all! 

~ Em

    

Ugly Green Monster

    Of all the posts I've written, this one takes the cake when it comes to the embarrassment factor.  It took a lot to admit that I dealt with depression, or that I've struggled in other various ways, but I had a huge driving force in posting those confessions: I wanted to encourage others who were struggling.  This post, while absolutely written as encouragement, just feels a bit different.  There's much more embarrassment and shame with this issue, but I believe it is an important thing to discuss.

    JEALOUSY

    I've struggled with that ugly green monster for most of my life, and at first didn't realize it.  Once I realized it, I wouldn't admit it.  But I'm done ignoring that "monster" in the room.  

    Jealousy holds us back.  It causes us to become irrational, fearful, and downright crazy. We sit in our dark little corners, hating ourselves because we can't be like someone we've put up on a pedestal.  

    Jealousy also drives us to do things out of desperation.  Things that might hurt ourselves or others along the way.  We frantically try to achieve our dreams without consulting the Author of our lives.  We try to do everything on our own, at high speed, only to crash and burn.

    I realized that my jealousy was out of control.  I became so down on myself for not being that skinny, put together mom.  I beat myself up because outside of motherhood and marriage, I didn't have any real achievements under my belt.  I would look all around me at all the accomplishments and beauty in the people I knew, and I would feel so stinking sorry for myself.

    Jealousy makes you forget.  You forget how good you actually have it.  You forget to look inward.  You forget to see your many blessings.  All you see is green.... and you see all that you don't have or haven't accomplished.  

   Yes, I would be happy for my friends when they reached new goals and dreams, dropped those 15 pounds, or got to go on fun vacations with their families.  I was happy for them, but sad for me, because, woe is me, I had to stay home and save for a weekend road trip, I hadn't reached one goal or another, or I was still stuck in that dreaded pudgy body.  Looking back, I believe jealousy was a big factor in my struggle with depression.  

    I recently saw just how jealous I was in general and I was horrified by it.  I decided I needed to do something about it.  I needed to force myself to stop the vicious cycle of kicking myself and curling up into a tiny little ball every time I saw someone achieve my dreams or dye their hair that perfect shade of plumb I just couldn't nail down.  It's horribly silly and sad.  It's incredibly embarrassing to admit, for sure! 

    Once I saw how juvenile I was behaving, and once I decided to stop looking at what everyone else had and start truly appreciating all of my many blessings, my life began to move forward.  Things began looking up.  I was able to focus and reach for my goals rather than to dwell in the fact that I hadn't grabbed hold of them yet.  

    I hate jealousy.  It tries to surface multiple times a day.  I need to put my steel-toed boots on every morning when I wake up and kick that beast back down to size.  I believe that as long as I'm living in this world, jealousy is going to be a constant struggle for me, but now I know that I can beat it over and over again.  I don't have to give in.  I don't have to let the happiness of others intimidate me or make me feel less than just because I'm not in the same place as them at the time.  

    I'll reach my dreams.  I have faith that God will help me get there.  I want my dreams to be whatever God's will is for me.  When I focus on God's will for my life, jealousy has no hold.  I can't be jealous of someone who is living out the life that is meant for them.  In the same way, I wish that no one find themselves face to face with the ugly green monster when they see the way my life unfolds.  

    Prayer.  Lots and lots of prayer have helped me to see the light and only God can continue to help me jump the hurdles in life that may cause my heart to become green with envy.  

    If you struggle with jealousy, you are not alone.  Don't hide in the shadows and deal with it by yourself.  Reach out to someone and ask them to pray with you or talk you through your issues.  Call out to Jesus and ask Him to carry you.  Do whatever it takes to get up out of that pit so that you can move on with your life and accomplish your dreams.  Jealousy should not be the driving force, nor the stumbling block for anyone. 

    It is now my absolute joy to see others live out their dreams and receive many blessings.  I love seeing others smile and enjoy life.  I am finally able to smile and really enjoy life myself. I pray that if you are struggling with jealousy, you too, will see the light.  I pray that you will be able to enjoy life to the fullest, without that ugly green monster clinging to your back.  I pray you allow God to fill you with joy, hope, and peace as you live out the rest of your days here on Earth. 

Be blessed!

~Em

Am I Enough?

    It's been eight weeks since I gave birth to my youngest bundle of joy.  I'm feeling more like myself these days and less like the walking zombie I had begun to despise and embrace all at once.  With the ever increasing clarity comes some of those stresses I could so easily push to the back of my mind while in my postpartum fog.  So it's time to tackle those stress-inducing thoughts and kick my parenting back into high gear.

    Most of those anxious thoughts we parents get come at night, while we're trying to fall asleep.  The house is quiet, the tv is off, the glow of the phone has been extinguished for the night.  All that's left between you and sweet sleep is that brain that just has to keep going and going and going....

    Being a parent is hard on our hearts.  The world keeps plunging into darker and darker territory, mommy wars are viciously attacking us from all angles, we're constantly feeling those punches of reality when our kids show just how free their wills are.  It's enough to bring even the strongest person to their knees.

    How do we protect our children from the evils of this world?  How do we prove that every little decision we make has been prayed over, researched, snot-face ugly cried through, so that we know we have done our absolute best to keep our children healthy, happy, and whole?  Why do we have to experience the wrath that is our children's desire to exhibit their own free will?  Are we good enough to parent our kids?

    I have to remind myself on an hourly basis to do my best and once I've done my part, to hand all of it... all of everything over to God.  Being the mama bear that I am, I have to admit, that is so hard to do.  So hard.  I have this need to control everything in my life.... and that includes everything that happens in my kids' lives, so to hand it over and to forget about it is a challenge.  This is where faith steps in.  Do I have faith in the God who created the universe?  Do I have faith in the One who chose to die not only for me, but for my husband, and each and every one of my children?  There is no one who loves my kids more than Jesus.  Not even me (although, I have to come in at a very close second). ;)

    So when I'm lying in bed, kicking myself over not spending an extra twenty minutes on math that day, or forgetting to get that last kiss and hug in at bedtime, I need to remember that my children are in God's hands.  I will always do my darnedest to raise my children the best that I can, but I know that no matter how many times I mess up, no matter how many ways I fall, God will be right there to catch us and direct us down the path He has laid out for us.

    If you struggle with those same thoughts, know that you aren't alone.  We all wonder if we are enough for our children.  We all wonder if we are the right parents for our kids.  You know what the answer is?  YES!  Yes, we are enough because God is right there with us.  YES, we are the right parent for our children, because God saw fit to gift them to us while we're here on this sometimes scary, but always beautiful world He created.

    When those voices attack you, whether it be from your own mind, or from the mouths of others, shut them out.  Unless you are hearing from the voice of God on your worth as a parent, you need not listen.

    Hug on your children.  Give yourself a pat on the back.  Stand up, brush the negativity off your shoulders, and relax, knowing that you've got this, with the help of an incredible God!

YOU.ARE.ENOUGH.

When "Life" Gets in the Way...

    Homeschooling is such a blessing, but it can also bring a lot of questions and concerns to a mom's heart.  We want what's best for our children, and when things don't go as planned, it can cause us to wonder if we are doing right by our kids.

    Life doesn't stop just because we have school scheduled in our planners.  We're learning this all too well with a newborn in the house.  While we're slowly making our way through our lessons in this season of life, it doesn't mean the kids are missing out on learning.  Quite the contrary.  They are learning all about what it means to selflessly care for another human being.  They are learning patience (Mom can't always jump up and cater to them while nursing the baby).  They are learning even more so about what it means to be a family.  They are watching how mom and dad handle big changes in life (imperfectly so, but they can also see what not to do when experiencing such changes).

    Living life is learning, and I need to remind myself of this concept daily, because right now, we have those days where the books need to be put back on the shelves and the pencils need to be placed back in the drawers so we can live such a life.  We need to remember to take things day by day and to not sweat the small stuff, because there's a lot of small stuff that comes up.

    Take advantage of summer and holiday breaks... if you need to play catch up with your lessons, don't be afraid to use those days.  Having a horrible day and need to throw in the towel?  That doesn't mean your entire school year has gone down the drain. Use the day to just "be."  Cuddle on the couch with your kids with a good book.  Take them to the park or library.  Use that day to veg out and watch movies as a family.  Forgive yourself for not running your family as a school, and know that those lessons will be waiting right there for you when you are ready to come back to them.

    As an adult, I'm realizing that I have been learning more through living life than I ever did in a classroom.  This is such sweet validation for the way I've been treating our homeschool journey the past year or so.  Life teaches us so many valuable lessons, so why resent it when it throws unexpected happenings at us in the middle of our school year?  Embrace life.  Embrace the breaks, the alternative ways of learning, and embrace the freedom that comes with your choice to teach your children at home (or at the park, or at the museum....).

    This very post is being cut short, because life is calling... in the form of a tiny little baby who needs to eat.  Be blessed, fellow homeschoolers!  You are doing a wonderful job and your kids are so blessed to be learning all about the things that are truly important in life.  Pat yourself on the back and smile knowing that you're a-okay!

The best sort of "distraction" ever. :)

~Em

My Homebirth Experience

    It's been a little over a month since I had my fifth baby.  I've been enjoying our little babymoon.  He is absolutely precious and I can't get enough of him.  Here are the most recent pictures of my sweet little guy ~

    I think he looks just like his Daddy.... and I see all the other kids in there somewhere as well.  He just melts my heart! 

    With my other kids, I had hospital births.  Each was pretty unique... two were quite similar, but all took place in a hospital bed.  There weren't any traumatic events, all went well.  I was quite pleased with them, yet I didn't have a clue about what I was missing out on in giving birth at home.  Wow, am I ever a fan!

    I am all about women giving birth in a place that makes them feel safe, secure, comfortable, and relaxed.  If a woman feels better at a hospital, by all means, plan a hospital birth.  If you feel better at home, don't step foot outside your house! If you want to make the trek to The Farm in Tennessee.... I'll be mighty jealous, but have at it!  I even hear of women giving birth in the woods.... more power to them, those mighty, brave, magnificent creatures! 

    I had heard a bit about homebirthing throughout the years, but never saw myself doing that.  It just isn't what we do these days, or so I thought.  I was content with going to the hospital like the majority of women I know.  It was the normal thing to do, so that's what I did.  This time around was different.  I just wanted to stay home.  I am comfortable at home.  It is my safe, happy bubble.  Home is where my husband and I raise our children.  It is where I teach my children.  It is where I snuggle my husband.  Home is where my heart is, so why wouldn't I want to have one of the most special experiences of my life right here in my cozy little nest?  

    I never expected to love my homebirth experience as much as I did.  I mean, I was blown away!  I found an amazing midwife who shares my beliefs in so many areas of life that I truly believe God led me to her.  She came to my house for all my prenatal appointments.  I had my ultrasounds right on my very own couch.  I didn't have to change out of my jammies for my appointments if I didn't want to.  The kids were able to get to know the midwife, my hubby was as well.  It was a wonderful several months of bonding and I will forever cherish those times.  

    It's really a good thing I chose to birth at home, because my labor was so..... strange.  It was strange for me anyway.  I always had clear tell-tale signs of when I needed to go to the hospital.  After a couple weeks of "false alarms," I really didn't believe I was in labor.  My contractions weren't strong enough to cause alarm, although they were pretty regular.  I don't think I really felt I was truly in labor until my midwife was 10 minutes out from our house.  

    The night before I had Wesson (that would be the baby, yes!), I woke up not even a handful of times every couple hours with what I thought were braxton hicks.  Around 8/8:30 am they started picking up speed, and quick.  I called my parents shortly after and told them that today could be the day, but I wasn't making any promises.  I sent my kids to stay with them, and honestly thought I'd get them back a couple hours later when my current bout of false labor ended. lol  

    Soon after the kids left, I texted my midwife to let her know that today might be the day, but I wasn't sure.  She called about 20 minutes later (ballpark) to talk with me and see how I was doing.  Around 10 am or so, we decided that she should head over, as my contractions started feeling a bit more real.  Nothing to be alarmed over, but hey, might as well be safe.

    About ten minutes before she arrived, I was contracting hard enough that Jeff decided to call and see how far out she was.  By the time she walked through the door, I was sitting on the couch with tears in my eyes and she knew I was close.  She arrived around 11:40.

    All this time, my birthing pool was filling up in my bedroom (what a great husband I have. He was on top of things!).  I got into the pool about 20 minutes after my midwife arrived and set up her supplies.  It felt wonderful!  I love hot water.  I love hot water even more as a way to relieve pain!  Jeff brought my diffuser filled with a couple of my favorite essential oils into our bedroom and got that going. You really can't beat hot water, essential oils, scriptures plastered all over your walls (the kids made them colorful for me too!), and being in your own bedroom.  It is the best, I tell ya! 

    I felt pressure probably 5 minutes after I hopped in the pool.  5 minutes after that, Wesson was here, in my arms, precious as can be.  I birthed him through two contractions, virtually without pushing.... it was a beautiful thing.  His cord was wrapped around him three times, and I hadn't a clue until after the fact because my midwife was such a boss that she untangled him with lightning speed.  He was born healthy, happy, and safely in the comfort of our own home.  

    I often hear people say that homebirthing is a trend.  I find that silly.  If you think about it, hospital birthing is a trend.  Women have been birthing from home since the beginning of birthing.  There is nothing strange about giving birth in your own home if you so choose to go that route.  Our bodies are made for this, and as long as you aren't experiencing a high risk pregnancy, I see nothing dangerous or weird about it at all.  

    I was accompanied by people who loved me and cared for me.  One of which was my husband who handled the whole ordeal like a rockstar!  He served me hand and foot from the time I went into labor until today, even.  He's been cooking, cleaning, child rearing, grocery shopping, you name it while I've been recovering.  

   I'm doing a whole lot more now, as I just can't help myself, but I did make sure to allow myself to recover well for the first two or three weeks.  This has been new for me, as I only gave myself maybe three or four days of rest before trying to tackle the world once again.  I have yet to see those baby blues I experienced in the beginning each time before.  I had a couple weepy moments, out of sheer exhaustion the first couple days, but other than that, I've been pretty level headed, and I attribute that to my following my midwife's orders of sticking to my couch/bed like glue. ;)  

  That other person who loved and cared for me was obviously my midwife.  I love that she errs on the side of caution.  I knew that the second a sign of trouble arrived, she would have packed me up in the car and raced me to the hospital.  That sense of security was absolutely essential for me.  She knows what she's doing, so I had full faith that Wesson and I would be A-okay.  

    God had His hands all over this experience.  I am so grateful to have gone on such a journey, and I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I'll leave you with a few pictures of my sweet boy.  Our whole family just loves him.  It's really hard sharing him with four kids and my husband, but oh, does it melt my heart to see each of them hold and bond with him.  He is the perfect addition to our family.

Be prepared for a photo explosion..........

That, in a nutshell, is why you haven't heard much from me lately.  There just aren't enough words to describe the feelings flowing through me at the moment.  My cup overflows. 

~Em