Ugly Green Monster

    Of all the posts I've written, this one takes the cake when it comes to the embarrassment factor.  It took a lot to admit that I dealt with depression, or that I've struggled in other various ways, but I had a huge driving force in posting those confessions: I wanted to encourage others who were struggling.  This post, while absolutely written as encouragement, just feels a bit different.  There's much more embarrassment and shame with this issue, but I believe it is an important thing to discuss.

    JEALOUSY

    I've struggled with that ugly green monster for most of my life, and at first didn't realize it.  Once I realized it, I wouldn't admit it.  But I'm done ignoring that "monster" in the room.  

    Jealousy holds us back.  It causes us to become irrational, fearful, and downright crazy. We sit in our dark little corners, hating ourselves because we can't be like someone we've put up on a pedestal.  

    Jealousy also drives us to do things out of desperation.  Things that might hurt ourselves or others along the way.  We frantically try to achieve our dreams without consulting the Author of our lives.  We try to do everything on our own, at high speed, only to crash and burn.

    I realized that my jealousy was out of control.  I became so down on myself for not being that skinny, put together mom.  I beat myself up because outside of motherhood and marriage, I didn't have any real achievements under my belt.  I would look all around me at all the accomplishments and beauty in the people I knew, and I would feel so stinking sorry for myself.

    Jealousy makes you forget.  You forget how good you actually have it.  You forget to look inward.  You forget to see your many blessings.  All you see is green.... and you see all that you don't have or haven't accomplished.  

   Yes, I would be happy for my friends when they reached new goals and dreams, dropped those 15 pounds, or got to go on fun vacations with their families.  I was happy for them, but sad for me, because, woe is me, I had to stay home and save for a weekend road trip, I hadn't reached one goal or another, or I was still stuck in that dreaded pudgy body.  Looking back, I believe jealousy was a big factor in my struggle with depression.  

    I recently saw just how jealous I was in general and I was horrified by it.  I decided I needed to do something about it.  I needed to force myself to stop the vicious cycle of kicking myself and curling up into a tiny little ball every time I saw someone achieve my dreams or dye their hair that perfect shade of plumb I just couldn't nail down.  It's horribly silly and sad.  It's incredibly embarrassing to admit, for sure! 

    Once I saw how juvenile I was behaving, and once I decided to stop looking at what everyone else had and start truly appreciating all of my many blessings, my life began to move forward.  Things began looking up.  I was able to focus and reach for my goals rather than to dwell in the fact that I hadn't grabbed hold of them yet.  

    I hate jealousy.  It tries to surface multiple times a day.  I need to put my steel-toed boots on every morning when I wake up and kick that beast back down to size.  I believe that as long as I'm living in this world, jealousy is going to be a constant struggle for me, but now I know that I can beat it over and over again.  I don't have to give in.  I don't have to let the happiness of others intimidate me or make me feel less than just because I'm not in the same place as them at the time.  

    I'll reach my dreams.  I have faith that God will help me get there.  I want my dreams to be whatever God's will is for me.  When I focus on God's will for my life, jealousy has no hold.  I can't be jealous of someone who is living out the life that is meant for them.  In the same way, I wish that no one find themselves face to face with the ugly green monster when they see the way my life unfolds.  

    Prayer.  Lots and lots of prayer have helped me to see the light and only God can continue to help me jump the hurdles in life that may cause my heart to become green with envy.  

    If you struggle with jealousy, you are not alone.  Don't hide in the shadows and deal with it by yourself.  Reach out to someone and ask them to pray with you or talk you through your issues.  Call out to Jesus and ask Him to carry you.  Do whatever it takes to get up out of that pit so that you can move on with your life and accomplish your dreams.  Jealousy should not be the driving force, nor the stumbling block for anyone. 

    It is now my absolute joy to see others live out their dreams and receive many blessings.  I love seeing others smile and enjoy life.  I am finally able to smile and really enjoy life myself. I pray that if you are struggling with jealousy, you too, will see the light.  I pray that you will be able to enjoy life to the fullest, without that ugly green monster clinging to your back.  I pray you allow God to fill you with joy, hope, and peace as you live out the rest of your days here on Earth. 

Be blessed!

~Em