You are WORTHY

    I had been spiraling downward for a while now. It could be lack of sleep... running on autopilot... the devil (you know how he likes to jump on our weaknesses)... whatever it may be... I had been losing sight of who I really am.

  Then God used random people and out of the box situations to snap me back to life.  It's funny how He works sometimes, isn't it?  He finds you no matter where you are, and uses whatever He can to teach you and show you just how much He loves you.  He is pretty darn amazing if you ask me!

  I have been struggling with comparison... and not fitting into certain boxes the "majority" want others to fit in.  I was feeling very ugly, unworthy, and unwanted by many many people.

  How my dear husband has put up with me and repeatedly reminded me how beautiful he thinks I am is beyond me.  I would have been pretty darn sick of his down in the dumps attitude if the tables were turned.  Just bein' honest here. ;) He definitely has rock solid patience, that one.  Love you, Jeff. <3

  Anyway, there have been a few people and a few situations that have really lifted my spirits and brought me out of that place of self-loathing.  I'm not completely to the place of self-love... I do still have flaws I want to change... or need to change, but I'm remembering that I AM worthy and that God loves me right where I am, He loves me for WHO I am, and that brings me such joy.

  This cycle is a constant battle in my life.  It has led to some serious depression at times.  It has led to lost friendships.  It has led to unnecessary stress in our home.  There are some bulky chains that NEED to be broken, and I am so thankful that God has carried me to a place where I can see that and start working on chipping away at my shackles.

  I want to encourage you if you're in a place of self-loathing, unworthiness, restlessness, comparison, jealousy, sadness whatever it may be...  YOU... yes YOU are worthy.  You are loved.  Even if you feel that your entire support system has vanished... YOU are LOVED by Someone who is far greater, far better than any human being could ever be. YOU are LOVED by the CREATOR... YOU are LOVED by a GOD who sacrificed EVERYTHING to SAVE you.  YOU are LOVED by the ONLY ONE who can bring you true PEACE and JOY.

  So if you feel alone, know that you're not alone.  If you feel lost, know that HE knows exactly where you are...He sees you and He is opening His arms to you.  Allow Him to embrace you and heal you.

  I'm not sharing my struggles to bring you down or to make you feel sorry for me.  I've done enough of that on my own. ;)  I share my story because you need to see that no matter how many times you lose sight of what GOD has for you... what HE sees in you.... no matter how many times you lose your way.... He is ALWAYS there to bring you back to the path He carved out for you.  He is ALWAYS there to remind you of how WORTHY and BEAUTIFUL and LOVED you are.  Turn to Him.  Always.

Lots of love and prayers for you, my friends.  We are in this thing called LIFE together... with a GOD who can move mountains... we've got this!!!! xoxo

~Em

Shifting Focus

    I've been thinking a lot lately about priorities.  I've been feeling the pull one way or another to up my focus... I've experienced guilt trips from others, from myself, from society's norms.  I allowed these to bring me down.  I've allowed the thoughts and opinions of others, and even my negative opinions of myself to swallow me whole.

  It is a struggle for most to keep from making idols of those things that are important to them.  Whether it be their marriage, children, careers, keeping up with their looks, finding approval and respect from friends and strangers alike, and the list goes on...  I know I'm guilty of putting much of this at the very top of my list, only to find that my relationship with Jesus keeps inching down the line.

   For me, my biggest struggle has been knowing that I don't measure up in a multitude of areas in my life.  I may be the best I can be in certain areas, but I've let comparison steal my joy.  I've let the gaps and imperfections become the stars of my thoughts while Jesus sits quietly waiting for me to remember Him... all that He is to me, all that He's done for me, all that He has for me, and all that I can be through Him.

    When we start focusing on the things the world dictates as important and worthy of our utmost attention, we lose focus on what is true, what is right, what is real.  We look away from our Savior, and begin sinking into those rough waters we once walked on when our eyes were on Him. We try to become our own saviors.... we think we can do it alone... we put too much faith in ourselves and end up failing miserably.

    I haven't forgotten about my Best Friend, but I surely haven't been the friend He deserves.  I notice that every time I turn away even the slightest bit, the weight of it begins to darken my spirit.  Depression starts tying that noose around my neck.  Anger bubbles up and begins to boil over.  Sadness drowns me in my own tears.  Defeat throws me into that black hole and repeatedly buries me in my own guilt.

    I can't do life on my own.  I can't do life by putting all my faith in my husband or children.  I can't do life by putting all my hope in my friends. I can't do life by believing my successes will bring me true happiness. None of us can.  If we live that way, if we consistently look for saving in all the wrong places we are absolutely fooling ourselves.  We can only thrive with Jesus.

    There will be periods of time where my focus is shifted.  I'll feel on top of the world.  I'll think I have it all and that nothing will stop me.  How naive.  How utterly silly.  All the good, all the glorious things that happen to me, don't happen because of me.  They don't happen because I am worthy.  They happen because Jesus wants good things for me.  How dare I put myself on a pedestal and expect not to tumble under pressure.  How dare I force that sort of worship and praise onto my loved ones, who will never measure up to the perfection that is my Savior.

    I'm not perfect.  I never will be.  I don't know much... and the more I learn, the more I realize that I have not even breached the surface.... but I do know, from my little experience in this world, that I need Jesus.  There's no way around it.  The world's measure of success should mean absolutely nothing to me.  I could mold myself to be much more beautiful, poised, and successful if I really put my mind to it... I believe we all have that drive in us... but all the beauty, money, and adoration.... that's all pale in comparison to what my heart could be if I put my all into growing in the Lord and living a sold out life for HIM.

    That's not to say that we can't be beautiful, successful, or well-loved by others.  Obviously those things are great.... until they become our number one priorities.  All is good and well with our souls until we eagerly gift them to our idols. It's so easy to do this without realizing we've pushed the Lord aside.... we must reel in our thoughts and actions... hold them captive... and direct them toward the One who deserves all of our attention and praise.

    If you're struggling to keep your priorities straight... if you feel the need to shift your focus back on Jesus, know that I am in your corner.  I'm praying for you and your walk with Him.  Will you do the same for me?  I believe this thing called "life" is meant to be lived with joy... we're meant to appreciate the blessings God has given us... but we can so easily take those blessings and make idols of them if we're not careful.  Let's strive to keep our Savior in the spotlight.  The rest of it, however precious must never be more than the supporting cast.... or, in some cases, the backstage crew. ;)

    I know my thoughts are jumbled up and came out in one big mess, but I hope you can sense my intention and know my heart in this matter.  I have messed up royally, so I see the urgency in setting things straight... I hope that you are able to learn from my experience: the importance of Jesus being your #1.  Much love to you, friends.  Hold me accountable, and if you wish, I will do my best to do the same for you! xoxo

~Em

A Loss is a Loss

*Warning: This is an extremely personal post.  I didn't want to share with anyone other than the couple of people I already opened up to, but I really feel that someone out there needs to hear my story to receive their own healing.  So I'm going to stretch myself and share... despite how silly or small it may seem to others.  It's big for me. I hope that you find encouragement from this in some small way.  *If you're a dude.... you probably want to skip out on this post.  Just sayin'. ;)    

 


  Oh, how I loathe the term "chemical pregnancy."  It takes away from the miracle, the life, the depth of what once was.  It makes a tiny, profound creation seem like a speck of dust.  Yes, I realize the size of such a creation isn't much bigger, but if your focus is on that little detail, you're missing my point.

 Over Mother's Day weekend, I experienced such a loss.  I had my typical symptoms of pregnancy about 4-5 days prior... maybe even up to a week before... tracking time isn't my strong suit. I always get nauseous and fatigued even before missing my period, and it was obvious enough to me that this was more than just PMS symptoms.  I'm still nursing my almost-17-month-old part time, so my cycle is still quite irregular, but I was past my first "due" date for Aunt Flo.  So I bought a 3-pack First Response Pregnancy Test.

  I took the first test late Friday afternoon and got a faint positive.  A cheesetastic smile plastered itself across my face. I tried not to become attached, I really did... but I'm a sucker for a pink line.  A pink line is full of possibilities.  A pink line brings with it hopes and dreams and fills your heart with love... great big love... for a tiny life growing inside your womb.  At least it does for me. I was excited... nervous.... but mostly beaming at the thought of bringing a sixth child into our family.  Despite my most valiant effort, I latched on to all of those hopes and dreams and plans like a leech.

  Because I wanted to be absolutely certain of the pregnancy, I took another test Saturday morning.  I was nauseous. That was a good sign.  I fully expected to see a slightly darker line on that stick.  Nothing.  I'll admit, I did fret over that disappointing sight.  Maybe it was a faulty test.  I decided I'd give it another day or two and test again.

  An hour or two... or three later, I started cramping.  This is pretty normal in early pregnancy, but it did have me on edge a bit.  Not long after that, the blood came... and my heart sank.  Despite my disappointment, I held it together pretty well.  I thought maybe that first test was a false positive... even though that isn't as likely as a false negative.  I distracted myself... made myself busy.

  Sunday morning I woke up with that weight pushed to the back of my head.  No time for mourning on Mother's Day.  Jeff and I were getting ready to head out and swap the boys for the girls.  They all love taking their turns at Grandpa and Grandma's house.

  I felt off.  Down. I didn't realize where that feeling was coming from at first, ironically enough.  I hopped in the shower and it all hit me like a ton of bricks.  I started sobbing.  All of those hopes, dreams, plans... all of that joy washed down the drain as I shed those tears my eyes so desperately needed to cry.

  I gave myself an internal pep talk and got dressed.  Then I cried again.  Pulled myself together, began doing my makeup... cried again.  You get the idea. Every little step I took to get ready was a challenge.  How was I going to face the day without looking like a complete basket case?

  Jeff offered to take the boys and grab the girls himself, but I didn't want to be home alone with my toddler and my tears on Mother's Day.  Today was supposed to be a joyous day.  My family was celebrating me... they were loving on me.  They were spoiling me.  I couldn't get in their way! ;)

  I put on my best fake happy face and we drove out to our regular meeting spot.  We were a bit late, as you can imagine... what with all the crying I did while trying to get ready.  I can't believe I didn't have raccoon eyes.  That in itself was a complete miracle.

  I tried to be the "me" my parents knew me to be.  I tried to not let the kids see how low I was.  I don't feel that I did a very good job at hiding my hurt, but no one said anything, so I suppose I'm a better actress than I give myself credit for!

  Later, Jeff, the girls, Wesson, and I went to the park.  I insisted.  I wanted to walk the trails.  I wanted to take my frustrations out on the pavement and gravel.  I wanted to move past this the best way I knew how.  I wanted to stop kicking myself for taking that test on Friday instead of waiting 'til Saturday.  I wanted to forget what really couldn't be forgotten.

  Some may be surprised at how devastated I was.  I surprised even myself...not so much that I was feeling the loss, but more at how deeply I felt it.  I am still having trouble with it, especially in the quiet of the night, after all of my other blessings are tucked away in their beds.

  There are many who don't become attached so early on.  I don't understand that.  I don't condemn it at all, I just don't know how they do it... part of me wishes I could figure that out myself.  I love fast and hard... and with that comes all the more hurt and heartache in situations like this.  You may think I'm too sensitive... and maybe you're right... but I do believe that grief is real... grief is agonizing... and I believe it is important to give in to the grief, at least for a time.... or it could swallow you whole when you least expect it.

  I'm sharing my story because I want to be a voice for those who feel that the world is telling them their grief or sadness is unjustified for whatever reason.  Whether my pregnancy test was a false positive... or I had a life inside me (I truly, with all of my being, believe this was the case), it was painful to lose that.

   No baby cries will pierce the air in our home next January.  No ultrasounds, diapers, cuddles, or kisses for that precious little life.  Life was here, then vanished... as if it never was.  YES.... that "clump of cells" was a life.  Don't tell me otherwise. That poppyseed of a baby was precious, valuable, worthy of love and real enough to me... and that is all that matters.

  I can't begin to wrap my mind around how devastating it must be to miscarry further into the pregnancy.  To have visible evidence of your precious child... a child that can be touched and held.... oh, my heart breaks for the mamas who have experienced such an incredible loss.

  Don't ever dismiss someone's feelings.  Don't ever tell them their grief, heartache, or pain isn't justified.... what you may think of as no big deal, might just be a damn big deal to another.  Offer your love and support to those who are hurting... whether that is just a shoulder to cry on, an ear to hear, or a simple and sweet "I'm praying for you."  You don't have to fix them.  You don't have to understand.  You just have to love that person enough to care and acknowledge that they need your support... whatever that looks like.

  Thank you for listening to my heart. I appreciate your prayers.  If you are experiencing any sort of heartache, please don't hesitate to reach out.  I would be honored to pray with you, or just listen to you share your feelings with me.  Be blessed friends, and be that blessing to your loved ones, always.

~Em

P.S.  I have only told a couple people about this.  It isn't something I feel I can share too many times.  It's still too fresh and painful right now.  So please forgive me if you're hearing this for the first time.  I hope you understand and don't take offense.  <3

Feeling Overweight and Undervalued?

    Earlier this week, I popped into our local grocery store with Ella in tow to pick up some stuff for dinner that night.  I made sure to freshen up, change into a shirt without baby snot on the shoulder.  I added another coat of mascara and put on some lip gloss.  I felt decent.  Pretty, even.

    As Ella and I approached the store from the parking lot, a beautiful young woman drove by.  She looked me up and down with obvious disgust.  There was no mistaking her reaction to my appearance... and I broke down inside.  I gave her a weak smile and continued on, because I didn't want my sweet young daughter knowing that her mom was crushed by a simple look.  A look that said it all, without that woman saying a single word.

    I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the door as we walked in... and all I saw was my bulging stomach.  My shirt was too tight and it just emphasized the least attractive part of me.  I didn't realize it looked that way... even in my full length mirror at home.  But when I walked, it was right there, front and center...spotlight on the gut.  And that may or may not have been what that girl saw, as she drove by.

    I quickly grabbed what I needed, checked out, and made small talk (oh, how I loathe small talk) with the bagger as he walked Ella and I and our groceries out to our van.  I got home, put the groceries down, and excused myself to my room for a moment to just let myself sink... so none of my family had to know.  I choked back the big ol' crocodile tears that were trying to make their way to my cheeks, let out one quick painful sob.... gathered myself the best I knew how, and joined my family for dinner.

    I've been trying to better myself.  I started Trim Healthy Mama... and stopped while on vacation because frankly, it involved too much thinking and prep for my vacation-minded mode.  It's been about a week or so since we got home, and I'm still trying to get back on track.  So that was already weighing heavy on my mind when all of this went down.

    I should rewind a minute here.  I've always had self-esteem issues.  Even when I could fit my behind in a size 3, way back in high school.... I wasn't "skinny enough" in my mind.  So... fast forward to the overweight body I have now... it is a definite struggle.  I have my good moments, where I give myself permission to accept myself for who I am.... but in all honesty, those moments are few and far between.

    We live in a society where there is so much pressure on a woman to look a certain way, that even after five kids and going through some tough stuff in life... I can't accept that I allowed myself to get this way.  I'm very sensitive to "vibes."  I'm very sensitive to others' feelings about themselves.... so it just snowballs into one depressing heap of pathetic poo.  ;)

    When I hear these beautiful women who couldn't be any more perfect from where I see them... when I hear them talk down on their physique... I cringe... and die a little inside.  Have they looked at me?  Like actually looked at me?  Because if they had... maybe they wouldn't be so hard on themselves.

    Now this... all of this... I realize is SO incredibly unhealthy.  This is the point in my little post where I tell you what I'm thinking... days after that look in the grocery store parking lot.

    Of course I want to better myself.  Of course I want to look a certain way.  BUT.  I am done letting others' opinions of me send me into a downward spiral.  I am done letting others' opinions of themselves affect the way I see myself.  I am done thinking I am less than because I don't have the kind of physical appeal society deems as acceptable.

    If you can't accept me for who I am now.... If you can't accept that no matter how many times I try and fail at becoming a healthier version of myself, I may just never measure up to your ideals.... If you can't see that the vanity in all of this tears people like me apart.... keep on walkin' and have a nice life.

    I feel sort of mean saying that.  I want to be friends with everyone... but not everyone wants to be friends with me... and that's okay.  I give you permission to find friends you believe are suitable for you.

    I've been all sorts of sizes and felt all sorts of feelings about myself.  There are times I feel beautiful and desirable (usually in the presence of my hunky husband), and there are plenty of times where I feel like a beached whale with dull skin and frizzy hair.  There are times I don't think at all about what I look like... like when I'm snuggling with my youngest as he falls asleep in my arms... or when I'm hanging out with my girls, while we do our nails and talk about girly things... or when I'm listening to my boys talk about the things that make them happy.  I adore those times.  Those times when the opinions of the world and the negative thoughts in my head just fade away.

    I'm not writing this to get anyone to feel sorry for me.  I'm not writing this to receive encouragement... or backlash... or advice of any kind.  I'm writing this to show you... or someone else that happens to stumble across it... that they are not alone in their struggle with weight and all the mind garbage that comes with it.

    I'm so imperfect it's ridiculous... but I am trying.  I'm trying like mad to love myself in a way that shows Jesus I'm thankful for this life He's given me.  I'm trying to treat myself... body and mind with respect.  I may fall off the wagon... often... even daily at times... I may be so far off the wagon that I need to send out a search party to find it... but I am determined to jump back on and keep going... I  know I'll never achieve the perfect body... or have the perfect state of mind 24/7, but I am going to do my best to be my best for myself, for my husband and children, for Jesus... and for absolutely no one else.

I encourage you to do the same.  I could say "don't let the world's opinions knock you down."  If I said that though... there wouldn't be enough oomph behind it... because I know firsthand just how painful those opinions can be.  Do your best to rise above.  Reach out to someone who loves you unconditionally, and let them know you're hurting.  Message me if you need encouragement.  YOU are beautiful.  YOU are valuable.  YOU are worthy.  YOU are so much more than what some stranger sees out the driver-side window as they pass you by.  Remember that YOU are a daughter (or son) of the KING of KINGS and that He sees you and loves YOU... ADORES you.  You are HIS.... and there is absolutely nothing better than belonging to HIM.  I love you all.  Be blessed... love yourself.... and extend that love to others.  Good night. <3

~Em

Drop It and Walk Away

    I had maybe an hour of sleep last night.  There are so many things tugging at my heart... at my mind... at my conscience.  I just can't shut down long enough to be blessed with a few hours of rest from this exhausting world and all it throws at me.

    It's no secret that I've been in a major funk lately.  The past few weeks, especially, have been quite rough.  I'm nowhere near being depressed... I've just been.... stuck.  I've been feeling like a failure, and have been mentally punishing myself for all of my shortcomings.  I've been allowing anxiety to take over at night again.  I've been taking little strolls with self-doubt and pity.  As much as it pains me to admit all of this, it is true... but I must admit it to myself, most importantly, if I want to move forward, and away from this unhealthy frame of mind.

    I completely dropped the ball in my walking challenge.  I don't even want to think about the amount of miles I need to make up to get back on track.  Yes, as freeing as it was to throw away my scale... I realized I threw much more than that weeks prior to my act of rebellion.  Not only was I flipping the bird to society with my little scale removal... I was taking it too far by not bothering to keep up with the whole point of my walking challenge... energy... health... vitality.  So I am picking up where I left off, and am praying I don't come across any more ruts...at least not weeks-long ruts like this doozy of a mistake.

   I'm struggling with balance... family, my quest to find the healthiest version of myself, my home-based business, time spent with God, and what are friends, even????  I need to learn how to juggle, and fast, because if I keep dropping the ball, eventually one or a few might just roll right away.

    When I fail myself, I feel like I'm failing everyone around me.  I judge myself so hardcore... and I find myself believing that everyone is seeing me through my rusty, distorted lenses.  Perhaps some people do see me that way... but that's none of my business.  I shouldn't worry about what others think... especially those whose opinions hold little value in my life.  The real kicker is that I feel I'm often failing Jesus.  I know He forgives me... I know He loves me, despite my many, many shortcomings... but I SO desire to please Him, and I just can't seem to get it right.  I know I'll never be perfect, but dang it, sometimes I wanna be. ;)

    All of this ho-hum, down in the dumps talk did have a purpose... I got it off my chest... I released it... and I made myself vulnerable and relatable to those who may need to see that when they feel like complete failures, they aren't alone.  We all go through it.  Some more often than others, but we all have degrees of setbacks and brokenness, just the same.

    The most important step... above acknowledging the problem... talking about it... crying through it... relating over it... the most important step is dropping it at Jesus' feet and walking away from it.  Or you could run.... whatever gives you distance from your struggle.  Whatever sets you free.  Just leave it with Him, let Him handle it, and find the peace and joy in your new-found freedom.

    I think I'll try to get a couple more hours of sleep now that I've ditched that excess baggage.  Good night. <3

~Em

   

Midnight Prayers

    As I was cleaning out my junk drawer yesterday, I came across a little book that somehow got tossed in there without a second thought.  So I decided to read it.  It is a book about praying for your children.

    I started reading it last night, but tonight I really dug in.  This book has bridged the obviously present gap between the Lord and I.  Yes, I admit, I haven't been seeking Him the way I should lately.  So as I'm reading this book, I'm having many little revelations and confirmations coming at me.  It was all good and well... I knew there were changes I needed to make, prayers I needed to pray, work I needed to do.

    Then, the second I read a particular verse on a particular page, my world was opened up tremendously, and I saw things so clearly.  I'm not sure how many times I've read this verse throughout my life... and I'm sure I've never read it in the translation that was presented... but this verse... this verse was fresh and new and mind-blowing to me tonight.

Rise during the night and cry out.  

Pour out your hearts like water to the Lord.

Lift up your hands to Him in prayer,

pleading for your children... 

LAMENTATIONS 2:19 NLT

    Sometimes, we can skim over a verse and feel as if we got nothing out of it.  Sometimes, we receive new revelations each time we read a verse... depending on what the Lord has for us in that season of our lives.  That is the beauty of believing in a LIVING GOD and reading a LIVING WORD.  

    As I read this verse tonight, it all came crashing over me like a soul-cleansing wave.  I used to suffer from panic attacks in the night.  Really scary, out of the blue panic attacks.  I've had a handful the past year or so, but nothing like they used to be.  In those moments, the ONLY thing that could bring me down... back to reality... and peace... was prayer.  

    I would start by asking God to rescue me from my situation...and as I felt myself calm down, my mind would turn to others I could pray over... my husband, my children, my friends and relatives and random people who came to the surface as I spoke.  

    Now, I'm not saying God sent me into a panic, but I am saying that He took what was a scary and painful situation, and He turned it into something beautiful, purifying, and peace-filled.  He turned my thoughts away from my anxiety and toward intercession on behalf of those who may have needed that very prayer in that very moment.  

    I often hear from Him the most in the middle of the night... when all is calm and quiet. That is when my mind is free from distraction and ready to listen.  So to read this verse tonight, it all came full circle, and completely confirmed that my late night prayers don't need to stem from panic or fear... my late night prayers can happen nightly, and calmly... or fervently depending on the situation.  My prayers can begin because I choose to pray, and not because I'm finding a way to escape a confusing and somewhat terrifying mind game.  

  I've been somewhat closed off, whether by accident or deep down intention, to my intimate relationship with Jesus, and I am so glad that He could reach out to me through this book... through this seemingly random occurrence... so that I can find complete peace in Him once more.  

    Sometimes, we fleshly humans mess up and cause what should be such a rewarding and fulfilling relationship to become complicated and messy.  Let me tell you, it is no fault of our Creator.  He is perfect and steadfast and so in love with us that it completely boggles my mind in the best sort of way.  He has forgiven me for my lack of communication... for my mistakes along the way, and I am forever grateful that He will do it time and time again. 

    I pray that my testimony can bring you peace, revelation, and hope in your own life.  Whether or not you're a parent, whether you're new in your walk with the Lord, or have been holding His hand your entire life... I pray that He speaks to you however you need Him to through my words.  I pray that He allows you to grab from this small story, a piece of confirmation... even if it has very little to do with my situation.  I pray that you open your heart to hear His voice, and that you allow Him to cover you in His goodness and grace.  

Be blessed tonight, and rest in Him.

~Em