I had maybe an hour of sleep last night. There are so many things tugging at my heart... at my mind... at my conscience. I just can't shut down long enough to be blessed with a few hours of rest from this exhausting world and all it throws at me.
It's no secret that I've been in a major funk lately. The past few weeks, especially, have been quite rough. I'm nowhere near being depressed... I've just been.... stuck. I've been feeling like a failure, and have been mentally punishing myself for all of my shortcomings. I've been allowing anxiety to take over at night again. I've been taking little strolls with self-doubt and pity. As much as it pains me to admit all of this, it is true... but I must admit it to myself, most importantly, if I want to move forward, and away from this unhealthy frame of mind.
I completely dropped the ball in my walking challenge. I don't even want to think about the amount of miles I need to make up to get back on track. Yes, as freeing as it was to throw away my scale... I realized I threw much more than that weeks prior to my act of rebellion. Not only was I flipping the bird to society with my little scale removal... I was taking it too far by not bothering to keep up with the whole point of my walking challenge... energy... health... vitality. So I am picking up where I left off, and am praying I don't come across any more ruts...at least not weeks-long ruts like this doozy of a mistake.
I'm struggling with balance... family, my quest to find the healthiest version of myself, my home-based business, time spent with God, and what are friends, even???? I need to learn how to juggle, and fast, because if I keep dropping the ball, eventually one or a few might just roll right away.
When I fail myself, I feel like I'm failing everyone around me. I judge myself so hardcore... and I find myself believing that everyone is seeing me through my rusty, distorted lenses. Perhaps some people do see me that way... but that's none of my business. I shouldn't worry about what others think... especially those whose opinions hold little value in my life. The real kicker is that I feel I'm often failing Jesus. I know He forgives me... I know He loves me, despite my many, many shortcomings... but I SO desire to please Him, and I just can't seem to get it right. I know I'll never be perfect, but dang it, sometimes I wanna be. ;)
All of this ho-hum, down in the dumps talk did have a purpose... I got it off my chest... I released it... and I made myself vulnerable and relatable to those who may need to see that when they feel like complete failures, they aren't alone. We all go through it. Some more often than others, but we all have degrees of setbacks and brokenness, just the same.
The most important step... above acknowledging the problem... talking about it... crying through it... relating over it... the most important step is dropping it at Jesus' feet and walking away from it. Or you could run.... whatever gives you distance from your struggle. Whatever sets you free. Just leave it with Him, let Him handle it, and find the peace and joy in your new-found freedom.
I think I'll try to get a couple more hours of sleep now that I've ditched that excess baggage. Good night. <3
~Em
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