Earlier this week, I popped into our local grocery store with Ella in tow to pick up some stuff for dinner that night. I made sure to freshen up, change into a shirt without baby snot on the shoulder. I added another coat of mascara and put on some lip gloss. I felt decent. Pretty, even.
As Ella and I approached the store from the parking lot, a beautiful young woman drove by. She looked me up and down with obvious disgust. There was no mistaking her reaction to my appearance... and I broke down inside. I gave her a weak smile and continued on, because I didn't want my sweet young daughter knowing that her mom was crushed by a simple look. A look that said it all, without that woman saying a single word.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the door as we walked in... and all I saw was my bulging stomach. My shirt was too tight and it just emphasized the least attractive part of me. I didn't realize it looked that way... even in my full length mirror at home. But when I walked, it was right there, front and center...spotlight on the gut. And that may or may not have been what that girl saw, as she drove by.
I quickly grabbed what I needed, checked out, and made small talk (oh, how I loathe small talk) with the bagger as he walked Ella and I and our groceries out to our van. I got home, put the groceries down, and excused myself to my room for a moment to just let myself sink... so none of my family had to know. I choked back the big ol' crocodile tears that were trying to make their way to my cheeks, let out one quick painful sob.... gathered myself the best I knew how, and joined my family for dinner.
I've been trying to better myself. I started Trim Healthy Mama... and stopped while on vacation because frankly, it involved too much thinking and prep for my vacation-minded mode. It's been about a week or so since we got home, and I'm still trying to get back on track. So that was already weighing heavy on my mind when all of this went down.
I should rewind a minute here. I've always had self-esteem issues. Even when I could fit my behind in a size 3, way back in high school.... I wasn't "skinny enough" in my mind. So... fast forward to the overweight body I have now... it is a definite struggle. I have my good moments, where I give myself permission to accept myself for who I am.... but in all honesty, those moments are few and far between.
We live in a society where there is so much pressure on a woman to look a certain way, that even after five kids and going through some tough stuff in life... I can't accept that I allowed myself to get this way. I'm very sensitive to "vibes." I'm very sensitive to others' feelings about themselves.... so it just snowballs into one depressing heap of pathetic poo. ;)
When I hear these beautiful women who couldn't be any more perfect from where I see them... when I hear them talk down on their physique... I cringe... and die a little inside. Have they looked at me? Like actually looked at me? Because if they had... maybe they wouldn't be so hard on themselves.
Now this... all of this... I realize is SO incredibly unhealthy. This is the point in my little post where I tell you what I'm thinking... days after that look in the grocery store parking lot.
Of course I want to better myself. Of course I want to look a certain way. BUT. I am done letting others' opinions of me send me into a downward spiral. I am done letting others' opinions of themselves affect the way I see myself. I am done thinking I am less than because I don't have the kind of physical appeal society deems as acceptable.
If you can't accept me for who I am now.... If you can't accept that no matter how many times I try and fail at becoming a healthier version of myself, I may just never measure up to your ideals.... If you can't see that the vanity in all of this tears people like me apart.... keep on walkin' and have a nice life.
I feel sort of mean saying that. I want to be friends with everyone... but not everyone wants to be friends with me... and that's okay. I give you permission to find friends you believe are suitable for you.
I've been all sorts of sizes and felt all sorts of feelings about myself. There are times I feel beautiful and desirable (usually in the presence of my hunky husband), and there are plenty of times where I feel like a beached whale with dull skin and frizzy hair. There are times I don't think at all about what I look like... like when I'm snuggling with my youngest as he falls asleep in my arms... or when I'm hanging out with my girls, while we do our nails and talk about girly things... or when I'm listening to my boys talk about the things that make them happy. I adore those times. Those times when the opinions of the world and the negative thoughts in my head just fade away.
I'm not writing this to get anyone to feel sorry for me. I'm not writing this to receive encouragement... or backlash... or advice of any kind. I'm writing this to show you... or someone else that happens to stumble across it... that they are not alone in their struggle with weight and all the mind garbage that comes with it.
I'm so imperfect it's ridiculous... but I am trying. I'm trying like mad to love myself in a way that shows Jesus I'm thankful for this life He's given me. I'm trying to treat myself... body and mind with respect. I may fall off the wagon... often... even daily at times... I may be so far off the wagon that I need to send out a search party to find it... but I am determined to jump back on and keep going... I know I'll never achieve the perfect body... or have the perfect state of mind 24/7, but I am going to do my best to be my best for myself, for my husband and children, for Jesus... and for absolutely no one else.
I encourage you to do the same. I could say "don't let the world's opinions knock you down." If I said that though... there wouldn't be enough oomph behind it... because I know firsthand just how painful those opinions can be. Do your best to rise above. Reach out to someone who loves you unconditionally, and let them know you're hurting. Message me if you need encouragement. YOU are beautiful. YOU are valuable. YOU are worthy. YOU are so much more than what some stranger sees out the driver-side window as they pass you by. Remember that YOU are a daughter (or son) of the KING of KINGS and that He sees you and loves YOU... ADORES you. You are HIS.... and there is absolutely nothing better than belonging to HIM. I love you all. Be blessed... love yourself.... and extend that love to others. Good night. <3
~Em
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