Our Homestead Dreams

  Jeff and I have had dreams of starting a small (tiny, perhaps) homestead for the past few years.  I'm sure Jeff has longed for that dream to become a reality much, much longer than I.  I lost sight of those dreams on and off due to circumstances or my state of mind at that particular time.

  Over the past few months, I've been enjoying the conveniences of the house we currently live in.  We're literally across the street from a grocery store, we have neighbors real close by (which is a blessing and a burden, depending on the day), I have the prettiest and most spacious kitchen I've ever had, we enjoy the convenience of a master bathroom, and the list goes on.  I got really wrapped up in the prettiness and convenience of this home.  It is vastly different from where we lived before.  This is good and bad.

  Our current house has a pitiful excuse for a yard.  It is a yard, but it feels like nothing compared to the thirteen wooded acres we lived on before.  Our current house is a one year old manufactured home with what I value as all the "bells and whistles."  We have a walk in pantry, tons of cupboard space, walk in closets in all the bedrooms, and a dishwasher.  This isn't the trailer that comes to mind when I think of the mobile homes we had seen or been in growing up.  This thing is a legit house.  Seeing it from the inside, you'd never know it could be torn apart and hauled off to another location.

Our current kitchen, before we moved in.

June 2013

  Our previous house was big and unique and had its own charm, but it was very hard to heat and we struggled with keeping the mice at bay.  It was too much house for my taste.  But the yard, oh the yard.  It was my idea of heaven.  Trees surrounding us, lots of room to play, a big fire pit, and a long driveway perfect for bike rides and walks.  We made friends with some cows and horses who grazed on a pasture that backed up to our driveway.  We saw so much wildlife and experienced so many things that city life just can't provide.

The kids playing track and field games in our old yard.  Oh, how I miss this yard.

June 2013 

I took this while walking through the woods before the greenery of spring took over.

April 2013

One of our little friends.  The kids named him Oreo Lightning McQueen. lol

June 2012

  

  Sometimes, in the moment, I would become frustrated with where we lived.   We were about 30 minutes or more from our friends and family, 20+ minutes from an affordable grocery store, and I would feel lonely (we share a car, so it was rare for me to leave while Jeff was at work), even with homeschooling four kids.  Despite the struggles that I so eagerly pointed out while living in our previous home, it was home.  I felt at peace whenever I'd walk the property.  I felt closer to nature and in ways, my mental struggles with where we were at the time brought me closer to God.  Living there, with all the mishaps and annoyances we experienced made me stronger.  I didn't fully appreciate just how much I grew while living there until I took the time to look back on it objectively.

  I believe I am a better person for having lived there and I believe while I was bent to the point of almost breaking (mentally), we were exactly where we were meant to be.  It was in that place that God could chip through the hard shell I had formed around my heart to show me that a simple life is what Jeff, the kids, and I really need.

  I struggled with feeling left out of many events, activities, and get togethers my friends and family participated in.  I struggled with the why's and how's of our ending up there.  The struggle was unbearable at times, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

  As much as I love an updated house full of new appliances and pretty fixtures, my heart longs for the country.  I long to live off the land and force myself into some good, old fashioned work.  I long to give my children the experience of growing and raising their own food.  I long to have them look back on life and see it as a full one.... full of memories of being outside, raising animals, gardening, and playing just as hard as they work.  A life away from the tv and computer screens.  A life of scrapes and bruises from playing without the fear of dirt and mud.  A life of grand experiences that money and the things this modern world can't provide.  I want us to get back to our roots, to become closer to nature and to rely on ourselves and our God more than big chain grocery and department stores.

  I want to provide my family with organically grown food without the enormous price tag. I want to make our own lotions and potions and cleaners (I've started this somewhat and will share a post on that soon). I want the kids to see that their food doesn't come from a shelf or a freezer, but that it comes from the earth.  I want the satisfaction that comes from growing food, fixing things, and building things ourselves.  I want to live life on purpose.

  Sometimes I become overwhelmed when I think of all the hard work this lifestyle will bring and the vast amount of knowledge I have to gain while pursuing this dream.  Living a simple life is far from simple.  But the simplicity that comes from hard work and dedication takes hold of me in a way that filling a grocery cart or watching my favorite tv shows can never do.

  So yes, while living in this pretty, convenient home has been much more like a vacation than every day life, I will gladly trade it for less house and more yard.  I will gladly embrace outdated fixtures and countertops if I need to, in order to get started on our dream.  It took me a long time, and many isolated experiences to come to this.  It took a whole lot to bring my mind to the point of letting go of the "pretty" and embracing the humbleness of a simple life, but I have arrived and I can not wait to get started with making this new adventure happen.

  We're not sure when or where our little homestead will be planted, but when it is, our lives will change for the better. 

~Em

If you have experience with homesteading on any scale, we'd love to learn from you!  If you'd just like to follow along and keep up with our new lifestyle, join our Facebook page and we'll post our thoughts and experiences for you to read. 

Be Present in the Present

  

  I'm always looking to the future.  I look forward to what is to come.  Often, I find that I'm neglectful of the present when planning, dreaming, and hoping for a great future.  I feel like the Lord purposefully gives me tiny glimpses for what is to come so that I don't completely forget what is in the here and now.

  For example, about a year and a half ago, God placed Louisiana on my heart.  In this instance, the tiny glimpses came one right after another.  Instead of waiting on Him to show me the way, I began researching like crazy.  Of course, He knew I'd do this, so He used it to show me more than I would have seen had I not hopped on the Internet.  While we are still here in good ol' Michigan, I do believe the day will come that we will pack up, leave this Mitten and head down to that boot-shaped state.

  Looking back, I see that God gave me a head start.  A really, really long head start.  He knew that when He planted Louisiana in my heart I would obsess, worry, and plan like the rigid planner I am.  For a while, I forgot to live in the here and now.  I was physically in Michigan, but my mind was in the swampy south.  I became anxious because I was trying to take all of that into my own hands.  I wanted to make the move happen when I wanted it to happen.  Clearly, those weren't God's plans.  He didn't place Louisiana on my heart for me to uproot my family and run away from where I was.  He wants us to go there on His terms and in His timing.  I still find myself guessing when that will be.  "Oh, I'm sure it's at least 10 years down the road," or sometimes I'll say, "We might move a year from now."  I can really sound like a crazy person.  I need to give control back to God and let Him call the shots.  If He has us move there tomorrow, we're going to do it.  If the move isn't meant to happen until all of our kids are grown, we will wait.  God's timing is much more simple than we make it out to be.  We're the ones who complicate it by trying to take over.

  I believe He put Louisiana on my heart when He did not only to prepare me, but to heal me during a really confusing and dark time in my life.  He wanted to give me hope for my family's future.  He wanted to give me something to grasp on to when I felt I was sinking faster and faster by the minute.  Sometimes, in our dark and hopeless seasons, we forget that time moves forward.  Sometimes we think that the place we're in is where we'll be until the day we die.  We so desperately want out of our situation that we forget to wait on God and His almighty plan for our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

  Another example from my own life, and I've touched on this before, is Jeff's and my desire to leave our family size up to God.  This was a HUGE step for me.  Things like this seem to come a lot easier to Jeff.  I guess he's just more trusting than I.  I thought I was done birthing babies.  I didn't feel fit to parent more than four children.  I struggled with comparing myself to other moms, especially my own, and saw that I fall short in so many ways.

 Being the "all or nothing" kind of gal, when we decided that maybe we weren't done growing our family, I thought I should turn that "maybe" into a "definitely."  Conceiving always came easy to us, so it wasn't that we were actively trying, but in my mind, since we stopped preventing, I should have been pregnant that first month.  That's how it always worked before.

  A couple months went by and the only morning sickness I experienced was in my head.  I started looking around at all these women I know who were pregnant.  Some by accident, and some very purposefully.  A couple women who are close to me became pregnant unexpectedly, and I began to feel sorry for myself.  Very, very sorry.  I've never felt or understood that kind of pain before.  I've never longed for a child with no results.  I was spoiled.  I asked God why I would open my heart to the possibility of more children only to be shut down and have other women's pregnancies shoved in my face.  Why would He allow me to suffer like that when I was only seeking His will?

  Of course, silly me.... I wasn't seeking His will.  I was seeking my own.  God didn't open my heart to have me force my family's growth.  He opened my heart so I would allow Him to control whether or not we add to our family.  I was supposed to give it up to Him COMPLETELY.  I was already trying to live in the future... a future I wasn't for sure was certain.

  Thankfully I've gotten to the point in both instances, and many others, where I can just "let go and let God," as they say.  I'm done trying to make things happen my way, and I'm done putting so much focus on my future that I forget to appreciate all the blessings I currently have.  I have so many blessings!  I have love, and love abundant! My future is in GOOD hands, and so is yours.

  If you're fretting about what the future holds; if you're holding your breath, waiting on whatever is on the horizon, I've been there.  I know how it feels.  Let me tell you, it is a whole lot better giving your future up to God and learning to live in and enjoy the present.  There's no list of steps to take to get to this point.  There's no secret formula.  It might take something drastic to wrap your mind around the concept, but the only way to do it is to give it to God.  He holds the keys to your future and He wants a good, fulfilling, blessed future for you.  Gift your family and friends with your presence and let God handle whatever takes you away from those who love and need you now. Being present in the present is exhilarating, even for those of us who are sticklers for a good, solid plan.  I can't enforce this phrase enough: "Let go and let God!"  Be blessed today!

~Em

Fill the Void

  Every person is extremely complex.  Some may seem shallow, some may seem simple on the outside, but there is so much we can't see.  We are so complicated, that we can't possibly know even ourselves completely.  We don't know what choices we'll make tomorrow.  We don't know how strong we are until we go through something challenging.  We often don't know about the little details that add up to who we have become.

    As much as I love my husband, and as close as we are, I do not know him completely.  He doesn't know me completely.  We can't hear each other's thoughts.  We haven't been in each other's lives since conception.  We can't be together 100% of the time.  Jeff knows me more than any other person in my life, but he doesn't know me like God knows me.  Any time I take my trust in God and put it on Jeff's shoulders, I am let down.  It's not because Jeff is incapable of taking care of me.  It's not because he doesn't try.  It's because he's human.  It's because he didn't create me.  It's because he can't possibly know everything I need.  I often don't know what I need, so to put the pressure on another person is just setting us both up for disaster.

  We all have people we lean on.  That's important.  It's comforting.  But to put all of our love and trust and dependency on another person is dangerous.  We'll end up hurt and disappointed.  We'll resent that person for not meeting our needs in the way they need to be met.  They'll resent us for putting pressure like that on them.  None of us truly wants to be put up on a pedestal, because we know that at one point or another, we are going to fail the person that regards us so highly.

  I often struggle with giving my kids over to God.  I'd like to think I know best.  I like to be in control of what happens with them, to them, for them.  Every time I try to take control, I let myself down.  I let my kids down.  I know my kids so well.  I'm with them 24/7.  I've changed their diapers, soothed their cries, bandaged their scrapes, listened to their stories, cuddled them back to health when they were sick, and smothered them in kisses.  Yet, in all that love, care, and companionship, I do not know them like God knows them.  I often don't hear what they are really saying.  I sometimes struggle to understand them.  God doesn't.  He knows all of their thoughts, dreams, hurts, joys.  He knows what they need when they need it.

  As much as we mothers want recognition for all of our hard work, as much as we deserve a pat on the back, we can't be everything to our children.  Our spouses, parents, pastors, and friends can't be everything to us.  We're not capable of being the ultimate Comforter to our loved ones and they aren't capable of doing so for us.  It is so easy to run to a loved one in times of trouble.  It is so easy to fill a prescription or listen to a song or read that book to bandage up the hurt.  But that's all those things are.  Bandages.  They don't fix our problems.  They don't heal our wounds... they just cover them.

  It's easy to think that all we need is a night out or a coffee date with a good friend.  It's easy to run to our parents (even in adulthood) every time we need a pick-me-up or words of advice. Our need to be loved, comforted, embraced is real.  There's nothing wrong with this need.  In fact, God finds delight in loving, comforting, and embracing us.  That's what He's here for.  He loves us so much and wants only good for us.  He wants us to understand that people are good for us.  The good things He's blessed us with are great.  But nothing satisfies our thirst for being understood, our thirst for love, our thirst for filling our voids like Jesus.

Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

1 Peter 5:7 (NIV)

  I admit, I've tried to fill the void with almost everything but Jesus at times.  When I do that, depression sets in ~ because those things, while wonderful, don't quite do the trick.  We'll end up reaching and grabbing at anything that comes our way to get what we need only to end up empty handed in the end. True joy, true peace only comes from Jesus.  It comes from a true, solid relationship with Him.  It comes from a complete dependency upon Him.  The great news is, when we forget this, He's always right there waiting for us, ready to fill that void and refresh our spirits.  He will never leave us, nor forsake us... even when we forget to acknowledge Him.  God is our true Father, Friend, and Comforter.  Put all of your trust in Him and He will not disappoint.

~Em

Thank God for God

  Sometimes the pressure to be the "perfect Christian" is unbearable.  So many people have set ridiculously high religious standards and we are told to meet those expectations joyfully and without fail.  It's frustrating.  It makes me angry.  It turns many people off to having a relationship with Jesus because it turns the relationship into work and rules and condemnation.

  I am a Christian.  I am not "religious."  I am saved by God's grace and I don't pretend that I have earned a smidgen of it.

  Jeff and I haven't gone to church regularly (according to typical standards) in years.  It's not that we don't like church. Quite the contrary.  It's just that sometimes we're lazy. How's that for truth? ;)  Sometimes we are in between churches.  Perhaps we haven't found the right one.  Regardless, I don't believe this takes from our status as lovers of Jesus.

  I have the occasional glass or two of wine and have had to learn my limits.  I have tattoos.  Sometimes I listen to metal. *gasp!!!*   I've been known to lose my cool.  Sometimes I swear in the moment and feel immediate guilt, not because God smacks me upside the head, but because I know if certain people heard me say such an un-Christian-like word, I'd never hear the end of it.

  While my marriage has improved by leaps and bounds since my husband and I first wed, it isn't perfect.  Honestly, the majority of the problems we've encountered have been my fault.  I lose patience sometimes and yell at Jeff and the kids when I should be understanding and gentle with my words.

 Sometimes I seek advice from a friend instead of praying first.  Sometimes I don't like life.  I struggle with jealousy.  I often eat my emotions.... sometimes I scream my emotions.... sometimes I cry for no reason at all.  Sometimes I give legitimately bad advice.  I change my mind about certain issues a lot... issues that are often black and white on the religious side of the "Christian" world.

  I struggle with forgiveness.  I've often pretended to forgive while holding on to the anger and poisoning myself with bitterness and resentment.  I'm a glutton for punishment.  I hold on to friendships that can be toxic, for the sake of the other person.  I struggle with the desire to keep everyone happy.... when the only approval I need is God's.  I'm rebellious at times and super obedient at others.

  All too recently, I went downhill into depression for two years straight... Christians aren't supposed to struggle with depression.  I hated myself.  Christians aren't supposed to hate themselves.  We're made in God's image.  We are a new creation.  It hurts God's feelings when we dislike who He loves.

  I am sure I am not alone in my struggle to meet the demands the typical Christian society puts on us.  I don't hate Christians.  Like I said, I am one.  What I hate is the ideals we place in front of real, hurting, struggling, imperfect people.  "Here... this is what Christian life should be.  Do this, don't do that.  If you do this, you will be shunned by our people and will be forced to crawl back to the pagans and hell-bound sinners you once ran with."

  This isn't what Jesus wants.  Jesus loves on people.  He loved on the unlovable while He walked the earth, and He still loves you and I at our best and our worst times.  Do you know what makes me proud to be a Christian?  Other Christians who show the true love of God.  The gracious, merciful, undying love of God.  The kind that doesn't hold ridiculous ideals over people's heads.  The kind that gives second chances and the kind that keeps knocking on the doors of unlovable hearts.  I don't always extend this kind of love, but my ultimate goal is to spread God's message of hope and salvation.  I would hate to come across someone who is afraid of accepting Jesus because they know they aren't perfect.... without showing them that it is okay to let Him in.  He loves you regardless of your mistakes.  He loves you even when the high and mighty, all-knowing, perfect in every way Christians reject you.

  Jesus loves you.  He loves me.  He loves the woman who aborted her baby.  He loves homosexuals.  He loves drug addicts and prostitutes and even the hoity-toity church-going hypocrites.  He loves us despite our sins or our taboo choices and lifestyles.  He loves us and wants to free us of our struggles and our addictions and our shortcomings.  He wants to make us better.  He wants us to want better for ourselves, but he loves us just the same when we struggle over and over and over again.  His love for us never changes.

  Shut out any voice that tells you you aren't worth it.  Shut out any voice that tells you you have no right to accept His love.  Shut out any voice that tells you you should give up in your quest to help others because you have major sins on your back.

  Keep pressing on.  Keep striving to know God intimately.  Find those people who will love on you and show you the TRUE heart of Jesus, without all the condemnation, and mental beatings.  We can change.  It is possible, but we shouldn't change because others tell us to.  We should grow because we're seeking fellowship with God and because we want to be pleasing to Him.  We can hate sin.  We can hate the things that hold us back from being who we want to be in God.  What we can't hate are the people who sin.  We can't hate those who struggle.  We can't hate hypocrites.  We shouldn't hate ourselves.

   To my fellow believers,  please speak in love, not in condemnation.  Please hug a sinner instead of looking down your nose at them.  Please pray for others instead of pointing out their weaknesses.  This is just as much for me as it is for anybody.  We need to show LOVE in these trying times instead of bickering and hating on each other.  We need to set aside our differences and love each other the way God loves us.  I'm not asking you to accept sins and act like they're all good.  I'm asking that in spite of those sins, you extend kindness, gentleness, goodness, and love.

  When other Christians mess up, we shouldn't nag them about their pitfalls.  We know when we've sinned.  We don't need to have those mistakes put on blast.  We need love and forgiveness.  Every single person on the planet needs love and forgiveness.  Thank God for God... because oh, how we've failed each other.

Photo by: My lovely daughter, Kayleigh

 

Gifts from the Heart

"It's not the gift, but the thought that counts" rings so true to me.  Sometimes a gift can be... well... a let down, but when we know the giver's heart is in the right place, it can mean so much to us.  A well thought out gift, however, is the very best kind.  It's the kind of gift that the giver has put a LOT of thought into.  They wanted to give you something YOU love, not just something they'd love to give you.

  My dad is a great gift-giver.  He's one who puts a lot of thought into the gift he's giving.  In most cases, he puts a lot of time into his gifts as well.  Two gifts that stick out to me this year reached my heart in ways that typical gifts usually don't.  I'm not really a gift person.  I love giving them when I can.  It's fun receiving them, but I definitely wouldn't consider it to be my love language. However, when the gift is suited to my interests and who I am as a person, I am blown away.

  I'm not super into sports.  My husband is.  I resisted as long as I could, but one fateful day, not so long ago (a couple years, maybe?) I realized how much I enjoyed watching baseball.  Weird, right?  Of all the sports, baseball is my choice. However, I don't watch it unless the Detroit Tigers are playing, and even then, I don't know that they're playing unless Jeff tells me they're playing.  I'm one of those fans that knows very little about schedules and logistics, but I enjoy a good game.

  Jeff works long hours in the summer and it's hard for us to get away, so I hadn't been to a Tigers game and really really wanted to go.  My dad knew this and blessed my socks off by taking me to a game in October.  I was beyond excited!!!  If you know me, you know I'm a very reserved person while in a public/crowded place.  I kept my cool while at the game, but I soaked everything in like a sponge.  Inside, I was jumping up and down, doing cartwheels, and screaming at the top of my lungs.  I hope my dad could see the excitement in my eyes.  I hope I thanked him enough... although a thousand thank yous could not cover it!

  It wasn't just the game that was exciting to me. It wasn't just the sweatshirt or the snacks or the fact that I was being spoiled to the max.  I got to spend the day with my dad.  That doesn't happen often.  He's a grandpa and my kids like to hog him. ;)  It is always nice to have a heart to heart with one of your best friends.  It was awesome to share an exciting adventure and to become a kid again.  I often miss the good ol' days, and this definitely brought me back.  My dad knew I would be blessed by his generous gift.  He knew I'd enjoy the game.  I don't think he has any idea of the impact that gesture and that quality time had on my spirit.

  I also have this slight obsession with peacocks... especially the feathers.  They're so pretty and they have significant meaning to me beyond the beautiful appearance.  I love them so much I have one permanently stamped on my arm.  My husband had spotted some real peacock feathers in our former landlord's garage and mentioned that I love feathers.  He said Jeff and the kids could take them home so I could enjoy them. I was blessed not only by Jeff and the fact that he'd think of me when seeing those feathers, but I was blessed by our landlord and his kindness in allowing Jeff to give me such a pretty gift.

  We're currently working on decorating our bedroom in a peacock theme.  I'm trying to keep it classy and not go overboard, but I may very well end up on an episode of hoarders for having a room filled to the brim with peacock accessories. The peacocks have spilled over into our bathroom as well. If Jeff spots something, he picks it up for me.  Isn't that sweet?

  We had an entire wall behind our bed that was completely bare.  I mentioned to my dad that I'd love a painting to go above my bed. I threw out a couple ideas, but didn't want to push it.  I could always go shopping for a picture or two.

  I was blown away the other day when he brought in TWO paintings that he had lovingly crafted for me.  The time and effort and patience that he must have put into them goes above and beyond anything I would have ever expected.  He painted with beautiful colors on black backgrounds (my all time favorite "color").  I could just stare at them all day.  A picture of his paintings just won't do them justice.  They are beautiful and detailed and so far beyond what I could have ever imagined.  Anyone can go buy any old painting and it will look great.  A painting, made with love by a father for his daughter.... stunning!

  As we purchase Christmas gifts this year, let us remember who we are blessing.  Let us put forth true effort to bless others in ways that really touch their hearts and really show how much we care.  We can use our talents to bless someone.  We can give them our time.  We can go all out if we have the money, or we can dig down deep and find a way to bless our loved ones with priceless acts of kindness.  Let us be gift givers all year round.  Let us seek out opportunities to bless those we hold dear and let us not forget that we too can be blessed by giving our hearts to another.

~Em