My whole adult life has been a huge testing of my faith, and I know many can relate. My hubby and I have had so many opportunities, visions of hope, and chances for breakthrough dangled in front of us only to lose them at the last second. It can be quite disheartening. It can be exhausting. It can even bring one to their breaking point.
I began to feel "not good enough" for even some of the normal things in life that people often take for granted. I began to feel as if I was being punished for some horrible sin or that I just wasn't meant to have what I viewed as a "normal" life. I felt as if struggle... in many areas.... was the card I was dealt and there was nothing I could do about it. Of course, the fighter in me chose to cling to that last bit of hope that God would truly bring us through our many situations that brought us worry and pain.
If you've been following my blog, you know I went through a good bout of depression not too long ago. I tear up just thinking of that time. The hopelessness, the agony, the guilt, the darkness. I didn't think I'd ever see a truly happy day again. I saw tiny glimpses of hope, only to fall back into that darkness once again. Happiness was always just out of reach. But I have a God who knew better. I have a God who saw exactly when enough was enough and He rescued me from that pit of despair. I am around the corner now. I am happy and loving life... truly loving life.
That darkness sometimes tries to pry its way in to my soul to this day, but I have been set free, so all I have to do is stomp on that horror and continue on my merry way. I've had a few bad moments here and there, but I cling so tightly to the knowledge that it doesn't have to be that way. I remember that feeling of gasping for my first breath of fresh air as the Lord pulled me from those black waters. That, and my family are the driving force that keep me from falling all the way back down to where I used to be. I am so thankful!
For years, I felt insecure in my marriage. Not because of what Jeff did, but because of my actions, my words, my imperfections. While I realize that he isn't perfect either, I also am very aware that I was the cause of so many of the problems that surfaced over the years. I'd cry out to God, asking Him to change me, asking Him to strengthen our marriage to the point that I had no insecurities about our future, or lack thereof. There were so many times where I thought I did it. I broke him. He'll never stay with me now. And I would die a little inside.
I wanted that strong marriage I envisioned as a girl. The one my parents lived out. I didn't realize how much work it took to have that, or that it takes time, history, lessons, persistence to get to that point. A strong marriage was always just out of reach for us. Am I ever glad Jeff and I battled on, together, despite our disagreements and times of trouble, because we've rounded that corner. I feel safe and secure in my marriage now. While our relationship is far from perfect, it is solid, and what an amazing feeling that is! I am so honored to be Jeff's wife. I am so humbled that he would choose to walk through this life with me, flaws and all. I am so proud that he is the father of my children. I am so thankful that God has been holding us in His hands this entire time.
Financial burden is a heavy load to carry. We've had our ups and downs over the years, but we never really felt secure. We've always made it through tough times, thanks to various people and situations that would arise. We have never gone without. That being said, living paycheck to paycheck is a bear! There were very few times we had money left over at the end of the month.
God has really worked in me, showing me how to become frugal, and actually enjoy a simple life... to the point that I don't really want to complicate it even when the funds are there. At first, it was out of necessity. I needed to humble myself and allow God to show me how to stretch our money in ways I never thought possible. It has been one of the most exhausting, beneficial, blessed experiences and I wouldn't change it for the world. We've finally rounded a corner financially. We've finally come to the point that all that stretching won't be necessary (even though I'm hooked and will continue to stretch away to get the most bang for my buck). It is an amazing feeling!
What started as an attempt to naturally boost my family's health through essential oils has become a business that has blessed us financially, beyond my greatest expectations. I wanted nothing to do with the business side of it all. I'd been there, done that with makeup, jewelry, health shakes, and more... and each time it felt like more of a financial obligation than the paycheck would cover. This was different. This came so easily... so naturally. I talked about how wonderful the oils were for us, and how much I adore them, and the business just came to me. I get to help my friends and loved ones discover the gift of essential oils like I did, without pressuring anyone or pitching any sales. I am part of a team who genuinely cares about me, and about everyone who takes that leap of faith. I have been blessed beyond the financial... I have been blessed with friendships and experiences I will forever cherish. Jeff and I have finally rounded that corner we've been staring down our entire married lives. I'm still trying to adjust to the lack of weight on my shoulders, but I'm sure I'll get used to it in no time. ;)
I share these somewhat intimate stories with you to encourage you. While the growing pains, sleepless nights, and endless tears seemed too much to bear at times, I now see that I was meant to walk through these tough times and carve out a new path for myself. Without these experiences, I might lack true compassion for others going through similar situations. Without these experiences, I might not appreciate the goodness that came from them. Without these experiences, I might not give God all the glory He deserves.
If you are struggling in any way today, don't lose hope! Your "just around the corner" is much nearer than you think. Sometimes it takes years of hardship to pull through. Sometimes months, weeks, or even days. What feels like an eternity will be but a blip once God opens up that roadblock and you turn that corner to bigger and better things. Remember when you get there to never forget where you've been. When you get there, remember who brought you out of your despair. When you get there, be that strong shoulder and understanding friend to those who are right where you used to be.
We all go through some really cruddy stuff in life. It is hard, it is rough, but when we look to God and keep our faith, it makes walking those winding, bumpy paths a bit more bearable. I believe the struggles we go through are meant to sharpen our faith and give us a new appreciation for the GOOD God has for us. I believe that it is our duty to be that voice of encouragement to those who are struggling, because we know exactly how they feel.
I realize I'll have many more "corners" to turn, many more challenges as life goes on, but I've had enough (many many more than mentioned here) to finally grasp that pattern and realize goodness, redemption, and blessings are always just around the corner. Hold to hope. Don't let it go! Soon enough, you will reach those blessings and breathe that sigh of great relief. Oh, what an amazing day that will be!
Love and hugs,
~Em
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