I tend to close myself off to pretty much everyone when I'm down and out. I guess calling what I'm dealing with "down and out" is too harsh. I'm happy.... just overwhelmed with life, if that makes sense. I guess I just need to sit down and rate my priorities, set some boundaries, and see what changes need to be made to get me to a place where I am no longer overwhelmed, but overjoyed with my schedule and the activities set in place for my family (and myself).
I'm not here to complain, just to be real, because I know that there isn't a whole lot of real these days. Not the real that can be encouraging anyway. So I aim to encourage not only the people who read this post, but myself as well. We always get through these times. We always find the balance once more. The balance will become topsy turvy again, and then we will do what we need to to set it straight for the umpteenth time. It's just a part of life.
There are so many exciting things happening for our kids, especially. We've been enjoying homeschool co-op. I have no idea how we pushed through without such a connection the past couple years, but we are absolutely loving this great group of homeschoolers and all the fun we have with them every other week. The kids just tried Awana for the first time the other night. The girls LOVED it and the boys need to warm up to the idea a bit more. I think they had much more fun than they let on. They were just being tough and manly about their enthusiasm. ;)
We've got all the holidays coming up, as you know, so there is so much fun in store. Wesson has a birthday....which could be the very reason I'm in a funk lately. I don't want my baby to graduate to the next chapter in life... not yet anyway. haha
We're looking to move soon. Hopefully by spring. If we don't move before the dead of winter, then we'll stay put until moving makes sense again. This is another thing that is weighing heavy on me. I feel so unsettled. I've always felt that way to a degree. I'm not sure what it feels like to be at complete peace with where we live and to truly feel "at home" in any given house. I hope that I can experience that feeling when we finally find our next home. We definitely know what we do and don't want at this point in our lives. We've moved a LOT and we've lived in many types of homes on many types of properties. Where we are now is most definitely NOT where we want to settle. Not that I have license to complain. I have a pretty kitchen, my own bathroom, and the fact that we have a roof over our heads means we're crazy blessed. So my first world problems should probably shut their yap.
I think that maybe my problem is that I'm struggling to dream, and dreaming is just a huge part of who I am and what I do. It's how I've always been. I've always been a dreamer and a planner. I need to find that bit of hope... hope that the dreams Jeff and I have for our family are just around the corner. I really don't have big dreams, but they have been just out of reach for so long, that I'm struggling to believe we'll grab hold of them at all. How depressing am I being right now, really? lol
Anyway, I know that most people have felt this way at one point or another, and I know that challenges will come up time and time again. We just need to remember to adjust our focus. We need to fix our eyes on Jesus, and let Him lead us through the rough waters. We need to TRUST that everything will work out for the good, because God wants good for us.
So many things are coming against me and my mission to keep that dreaded depression monster at bay. I know a lot of people would say to get over it or to do such and such to snap out of it, but I'm sorry to say, that's just not how it works for those of us who truly struggle with this regularly. I went for so long without these feelings trying to creep back in, but this is a fight I'm in the midst of... right now... at this very moment.
The darkness hasn't taken over. I'm on the edge, but I'm fighting a good fight. I'm pouring all of my energy into the positive things in my life ~ my husband, my kids, my love for my YL business, the new friendships I'm absolutely geeked over, the positive changes that have been improving my family's life bit by bit. I'm doing my best to shake the monster off my back and jump back into life all happy-go-lucky and bubbly-like.
I think a lot of this is postpartum nonsense. Seriously, guys.... postpartum recovery in my thirties is a sloooooow process compared to the last four babes I had. The fatigue (maybe having to do with the fact that my baby still wakes around the clock), the brain fog, the sloth-paced movements my body makes.... it all adds up and I am struggling not to get down on myself for not bouncing back right away.
I don't seek out sympathy, or advice. I've been here before. :) I just want to be honest and real and raw and show you that even those of us who thrive when encouraging our friends... those of us who live to brighten someone's day.... even we have our rough seasons. Even we find the need to step back and just "be" for a while. I rarely find myself in a position where I feel like I'm 100% on top of life. Okay... I never do.... and I rarely come close. It's just what it is. Life isn't easy, and we all have our burdens to carry and our battles to fight. This is just a little glimpse into mine.
So now that you see I haven't conquered life on earth and destroyed the imperfections, I want to come back around to that ray of sunshine I strive to be for you. I know that things will get better. I've lived through this sort of thing time and time again. I know that I will not allow the darkness to swallow me up like I did a few years ago. I know that I am much stronger today than I was back then. AND, most importantly, I know that if you have connected with anything I've shared tonight, YOU TOO can beat this! You too CAN pull through.
I am praying for my friends who are going through similar situations. My heart is aching for those who have it worse. I am lifting you all up and handing you all over to the ONE and ONLY ONE who can wash away your pain, your stress, your sorrow... He is going to carry you through. I promise.
Love to you all, and thank you to those of you who have always been supportive of me... in my good times and bad. You mean the world to me. You know exactly who you are! <3
Lots of love,
Em
